We walked Freddie's schedule last night. Some teachers inspiring, intellectually challenging. Others sort of trying to find that merge--where their vision intersects with the constitution of the school and subject. And then...the odd one--the one who believes in dialogue and that an explanation of Cotton Mather's writing (contextually) isn't as important as as his feelings on the 'dead guy'. Hmmm. We like debate at home but given the format of the class if we are convincing enough Freddie will be perceived as carrying the 'party line' of the 'machine'. Of course the above is derived from 10 minute sessions with each teacher...I could writing about the marvels of this same teacher tomorrow or next week or a year from now.
One of the greatest benefits of single sex education (from this parents perspective) is the total dedication to one physical mode of being. Dynamic, diverse, individually different--but from a 'societal' viewpoint all those fears of growing into manhood...those insecurities, needs, wants, hopes, wishes are addressed on a daily basis. There isn't a distraction, a tearing at his core being--he is to be exactly what he is with no attacks, no challenge to his physical body, no political agenda reaching out and touching him on the shoulder...turning his head to a floating question mark--one that questions unconscious biological processes. His responsibility is to be as he is and journey onward from there using his mind to the best of its ability and his resulting evaluations to shine brightly regardless of the circumstances.
This should be an intellectually interesting year. 15 year old angst and anger, the moving through frustration and knowing one is doing so (huge step) and developing that appreciation for patience.
Perhaps most importantly is continuing just plain old laughter about everything and nothing. Laughter that fills in the awkward, the speechless...the fragile gaps.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
visiting my memory
What would it be to wake, breathe and sleep here?
I have wondered for a longtime.
I have wondered for a longtime.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Seaside
Away for the weekend . . . reading and thinking norcal style.
From my latest read,
"With the windows flung open to the streets of Genoa I float in the lotus pond of my bedspread. A stone tablet rests across my belly, covered in flowers. Reaching to pluck a morsel, I'm enamoured to find that my fingers have narrowed into slender amber talons, I hook a blossom and lower it to my lips, marvelling as a lover--sweet mustiness honeycombs across my tongue. After flavor shoots around my mouth and my whole body reverberates. I gulp down great mouthfuls of pond water that taste more exquisite than anything I could have imagined. These sensations have continued beyond that waking dream. My mouth has developed an intelligence of its own--everything has savor, not just herbs and spices, but even this evening's pasta imparted to me the history of its birthplace in the wheat fields of Sicily."
From my latest read,
"With the windows flung open to the streets of Genoa I float in the lotus pond of my bedspread. A stone tablet rests across my belly, covered in flowers. Reaching to pluck a morsel, I'm enamoured to find that my fingers have narrowed into slender amber talons, I hook a blossom and lower it to my lips, marvelling as a lover--sweet mustiness honeycombs across my tongue. After flavor shoots around my mouth and my whole body reverberates. I gulp down great mouthfuls of pond water that taste more exquisite than anything I could have imagined. These sensations have continued beyond that waking dream. My mouth has developed an intelligence of its own--everything has savor, not just herbs and spices, but even this evening's pasta imparted to me the history of its birthplace in the wheat fields of Sicily."
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Justin -
Point of reference...Justin lived with us while in the 10th grade. House full of boys, lots of crazy energy and laughs. He is now in the US Navy and learning a lot about himself--what he is capable of and in that military way--what true independence, discipline and self-confidence are. We're very proud of him!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
The Unknown Citizen
He was found by the Bureau of Statistics to be
One against whom there was no official complaint,
And all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the modern sense of an old-fashioned word, he was a saint,
For in everything he did he served the Greater Community.
Except for the War till the day he retired
He worked in a factory and never got fired,
But satisfied his employers, Fudge Motors Inc.
Yet he wasn't a scab or odd in his views,
For his Union reports that he paid his dues,
(Our report on his Union shows it was sound)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with his mates and liked a drink.
The Press are convinced that he bought a paper every day
And that his reactions to advertisements were normal in every way.
Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully insured,
And his Health-card shows he was once in hospital but left it cured.
Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Installment Plan
And had everything necessary to the Modern Man,
A phonograph, a radio, a car and a frigidaire.
Our researchers into Public Opinion are content
That he held the proper opinions for he time of year;
When there was peace, he was for peace; when there was war, he went.
He was married and added five children to the population,
Which our Eugenist says was the right number for a parent of his generation.
And our teachers report that he never interfered with their education.
Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd:
Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard.
-- W. H. Auden
One against whom there was no official complaint,
And all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the modern sense of an old-fashioned word, he was a saint,
For in everything he did he served the Greater Community.
Except for the War till the day he retired
He worked in a factory and never got fired,
But satisfied his employers, Fudge Motors Inc.
Yet he wasn't a scab or odd in his views,
For his Union reports that he paid his dues,
(Our report on his Union shows it was sound)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with his mates and liked a drink.
The Press are convinced that he bought a paper every day
And that his reactions to advertisements were normal in every way.
Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully insured,
And his Health-card shows he was once in hospital but left it cured.
Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Installment Plan
And had everything necessary to the Modern Man,
A phonograph, a radio, a car and a frigidaire.
Our researchers into Public Opinion are content
That he held the proper opinions for he time of year;
When there was peace, he was for peace; when there was war, he went.
He was married and added five children to the population,
Which our Eugenist says was the right number for a parent of his generation.
And our teachers report that he never interfered with their education.
Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd:
Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard.
-- W. H. Auden
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Life
"From the start--apparently--he had found the center from which all other work was to find its only possible 'measure'. But 'measure'--not in a sense of ranking but in the sense of realizing almost year by year the feeling of being alive--within the face and hands largely--to register the penetrations of the life lived and living.... What moves us--and will always move the living--is the weird exactitude by which he shows us--makes us see--that we are hopelessly, helplessly mortal...yet that somewhere--at core--heart's intelligence--there is the light that being alive persists in extending.
His obduracy and courage, his candor and the verity of it, are witnessed in the most unswerving hand. And his work, his life, brings home to us what we must still most learn: that there is no artist except the artist of life, that there is no life without the art to realize and share it."
His obduracy and courage, his candor and the verity of it, are witnessed in the most unswerving hand. And his work, his life, brings home to us what we must still most learn: that there is no artist except the artist of life, that there is no life without the art to realize and share it."
Monday, August 20, 2007
Inevitably
One may love a river as soon as one sets eyes upon it; it may have certain features that fit instantly with one's conception of beauty, or it may recall the qualities of some other river, well known and deeply loved. One may feel in the same way an instant affinity for a man or a woman and know that here is pleasure and warmth and foundation of deep friendship. In either case the full riches of the discovery are not immediately released--they cannot be; only knowledge and close experience can release them. Rivers, I suppose, are not at all like human beings, but it is still possible to make apt comparisons, and this is one: understanding, whether instinctive and immediate or developing naturally through time or grown by conscious effort, is a necessary preliminary to love. Understanding of another human being can never be complete, but as it grows toward completeness, it becomes love almost inevitably.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Cracker Jack prizes
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IT?
LOVE WHAT?
TIFFANY'S.
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL? SEE WHAT I MEAN, HOW NOTHING BAD COULD HAPPEN TO YOU IN A PLACE LIKE THIS? IT ISN'T THAT I GIVE A HOOT ABOUT JEWELRY, EXCEPT DIAMONDS, OF COURSE.
LIKE THAT. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL...PERSONALLY, I THINK IT WOULD BE TACKY TO WEAR DIAMONDS BEFORE I'M 40.
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, BUT MEANTIME, YOU SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING.
I'LL WAIT.
NO. I'M GOING TO BUY YOU A PRESENT. YOU BOUGHT ME A TYPEWRITER RIBBON, AND IT BROUGHT LUCK.
BUT TIFFANY'S CAN BE PRETTY EXPENSIVE.
I'VE GOT MY CHECK AND $10.
I WOULDN'T LET YOU CASH YOUR CHECK, BUT A PRESENT FOR $10 OR UNDER, THAT I'LL ACCEPT. OF COURSE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'LL FIND HERE FOR $10.
MAY I HELP YOU?
PERHAPS.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR A PRESENT FOR THE LADY.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
IS THERE SOMETHING SPECIAL YOU HAD IN MIND?
WELL, WE HAD CONSIDERED DIAMONDS, AND I DON'T WANT TO OFFEND YOU, BUT THE LADY FEELS THAT DIAMONDS ARE TACKY FOR HER.
OH, I THINK THEY'RE DIVINE ON OLDER WOMEN, BUT THEY'RE NOT RIGHT FOR ME, YOU UNDERSTAND.
CERTAINLY.
IN FAIRNESS, I OUGHT TO EXPLAIN THERE'S ALSO A SECONDARY PROBLEM, ONE OF FINANCE. WE CAN ONLY AFFORD TO SPEND...A LIMITED AMOUNT.
MAY I ASK HOW LIMITED?
$10.
$10.
THAT WAS THE OUTSIDE FIGURE, YES.
I SEE.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING FOR $10?
FRANKLY, MADAM, WITHIN THAT PRICE RANGE, THE VARIETY OF MERCHANDISE IS RATHER LIMITED. HOWEVER, I DO THINK WE MIGHT HAVE--LET'S SEE... STRICTLY AS A NOVELTY, YOU UNDERSTAND, FOR THE LADY AND GENTLEMAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING, A STERLING SILVER TELEPHONE DIALER. THAT'S 6.75, INCLUDING TAX.
A STERLING SILVER TELEPHONE DIALER.
YES, SIR. THAT'S 6.75, INCLUDING FEDERAL TAX.
WELL, THE PRICE IS RIGHT, BUT I MUST SAY, I'D RATHER HOPED FOR SOMETHING SLIGHTLY MORE--HOW SHALL I SAY IT—ROMANTIC IN FEELING.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
A STERLING SILVER TELEPHONE DIALER--I CERTAINLY THINK
IT'S HANDSOME, BUT, WELL, YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
WELL, WE TRIED, BUT--WE COULD HAVE SOMETHING ENGRAVED, COULDN'T WE?
YES, I SUPPOSE SO. YES, INDEED. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS, YOU'D HAVE TO BUY SOMETHING FIRST IN ORDER TO HAVE SOME OBJECT UPON WHICH TO PLACE THE ENGRAVING. YOU SEE THE DIFFICULTY?
WELL, WE COULD HAVE THIS ENGRAVED, COULDN'T WE? I THINK IT WOULD BE VERY SMART.
THIS, I TAKE IT, WAS NOT PURCHASED AT TIFFANY'S?
NO.
ACTUALLY, IT WAS PURCHASED CONCURRENT WITH--WELL, ACTUALLY, IT CAME INSIDE A...WELL, A BOX OF CRACKER JACK.
I SEE. DO THEY STILL REALLY HAVE PRIZES IN CRACKER JACK BOXES?
OH, YES.
THAT'S NICE TO KNOW. IT GIVES ONE A FEELING OF SOLIDARITY, ALMOST OF CONTINUITY WITH THE PAST, THAT SORT OF THING.
WOULD TIFFANY'S REALLY ENGRAVE IT FOR US? THEY WOULDN'T FEEL IT BENEATH THEM OR ANYTHING?
WELL, IT IS RATHER UNUSUAL, MADAM, BUT I THINK YOU'LL FIND THAT TIFFANY'S IS VERY UNDERSTANDING.
LOVE WHAT?
TIFFANY'S.
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL? SEE WHAT I MEAN, HOW NOTHING BAD COULD HAPPEN TO YOU IN A PLACE LIKE THIS? IT ISN'T THAT I GIVE A HOOT ABOUT JEWELRY, EXCEPT DIAMONDS, OF COURSE.
LIKE THAT. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL...PERSONALLY, I THINK IT WOULD BE TACKY TO WEAR DIAMONDS BEFORE I'M 40.
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, BUT MEANTIME, YOU SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING.
I'LL WAIT.
NO. I'M GOING TO BUY YOU A PRESENT. YOU BOUGHT ME A TYPEWRITER RIBBON, AND IT BROUGHT LUCK.
BUT TIFFANY'S CAN BE PRETTY EXPENSIVE.
I'VE GOT MY CHECK AND $10.
I WOULDN'T LET YOU CASH YOUR CHECK, BUT A PRESENT FOR $10 OR UNDER, THAT I'LL ACCEPT. OF COURSE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'LL FIND HERE FOR $10.
MAY I HELP YOU?
PERHAPS.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR A PRESENT FOR THE LADY.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
IS THERE SOMETHING SPECIAL YOU HAD IN MIND?
WELL, WE HAD CONSIDERED DIAMONDS, AND I DON'T WANT TO OFFEND YOU, BUT THE LADY FEELS THAT DIAMONDS ARE TACKY FOR HER.
OH, I THINK THEY'RE DIVINE ON OLDER WOMEN, BUT THEY'RE NOT RIGHT FOR ME, YOU UNDERSTAND.
CERTAINLY.
IN FAIRNESS, I OUGHT TO EXPLAIN THERE'S ALSO A SECONDARY PROBLEM, ONE OF FINANCE. WE CAN ONLY AFFORD TO SPEND...A LIMITED AMOUNT.
MAY I ASK HOW LIMITED?
$10.
$10.
THAT WAS THE OUTSIDE FIGURE, YES.
I SEE.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING FOR $10?
FRANKLY, MADAM, WITHIN THAT PRICE RANGE, THE VARIETY OF MERCHANDISE IS RATHER LIMITED. HOWEVER, I DO THINK WE MIGHT HAVE--LET'S SEE... STRICTLY AS A NOVELTY, YOU UNDERSTAND, FOR THE LADY AND GENTLEMAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING, A STERLING SILVER TELEPHONE DIALER. THAT'S 6.75, INCLUDING TAX.
A STERLING SILVER TELEPHONE DIALER.
YES, SIR. THAT'S 6.75, INCLUDING FEDERAL TAX.
WELL, THE PRICE IS RIGHT, BUT I MUST SAY, I'D RATHER HOPED FOR SOMETHING SLIGHTLY MORE--HOW SHALL I SAY IT—ROMANTIC IN FEELING.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
A STERLING SILVER TELEPHONE DIALER--I CERTAINLY THINK
IT'S HANDSOME, BUT, WELL, YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
WELL, WE TRIED, BUT--WE COULD HAVE SOMETHING ENGRAVED, COULDN'T WE?
YES, I SUPPOSE SO. YES, INDEED. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS, YOU'D HAVE TO BUY SOMETHING FIRST IN ORDER TO HAVE SOME OBJECT UPON WHICH TO PLACE THE ENGRAVING. YOU SEE THE DIFFICULTY?
WELL, WE COULD HAVE THIS ENGRAVED, COULDN'T WE? I THINK IT WOULD BE VERY SMART.
THIS, I TAKE IT, WAS NOT PURCHASED AT TIFFANY'S?
NO.
ACTUALLY, IT WAS PURCHASED CONCURRENT WITH--WELL, ACTUALLY, IT CAME INSIDE A...WELL, A BOX OF CRACKER JACK.
I SEE. DO THEY STILL REALLY HAVE PRIZES IN CRACKER JACK BOXES?
OH, YES.
THAT'S NICE TO KNOW. IT GIVES ONE A FEELING OF SOLIDARITY, ALMOST OF CONTINUITY WITH THE PAST, THAT SORT OF THING.
WOULD TIFFANY'S REALLY ENGRAVE IT FOR US? THEY WOULDN'T FEEL IT BENEATH THEM OR ANYTHING?
WELL, IT IS RATHER UNUSUAL, MADAM, BUT I THINK YOU'LL FIND THAT TIFFANY'S IS VERY UNDERSTANDING.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Beauty Tips
Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her "Beauty Tips." Years later, it was read at her funeral.
For attractive lips,
speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes,
seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure,
share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair,
let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise,
walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things,
have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed,
and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands;
one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.
For attractive lips,
speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes,
seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure,
share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair,
let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise,
walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things,
have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed,
and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands;
one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
What's next
Looked at Morocco, Spain, Portugal--closed.
Thailand...maybe.
Jordan, Syria, Egypt...can't get the visa in time.
Transatlantic crossing...maybe.
Tunisia, Libya--dates don't work.
Libya--visa and dates no good.
Onward to Kenya, Tanzania, Zanzibar--closed.
Just Zanzibar? 3 day flight each way...outside the date range.
Transatlantic crossing....
Vietnam, Cambodia--visas.
Alaska cruise...not digging it...but in the back of my head.
Look through off the track Europe trips--not feeling it.
Transatlantic crossing....
Canadian Rockies rail trip--no.
South Africa cruising the coast--the ships are in Europe.
South Africa gardens or falls or wine country--err.
Transatlantic crossing.
Transatlantic crossing. QM2.
Thailand...maybe.
Jordan, Syria, Egypt...can't get the visa in time.
Transatlantic crossing...maybe.
Tunisia, Libya--dates don't work.
Libya--visa and dates no good.
Onward to Kenya, Tanzania, Zanzibar--closed.
Just Zanzibar? 3 day flight each way...outside the date range.
Transatlantic crossing....
Vietnam, Cambodia--visas.
Alaska cruise...not digging it...but in the back of my head.
Look through off the track Europe trips--not feeling it.
Transatlantic crossing....
Canadian Rockies rail trip--no.
South Africa cruising the coast--the ships are in Europe.
South Africa gardens or falls or wine country--err.
Transatlantic crossing.
Transatlantic crossing. QM2.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
100 miles
Steve has just left for Marin. His first 100 mile race tomorrow. He showed me an article he wrote while I was in Costa Rica. It was posted to the forums to inform others of the differences in the course from another well known trail run. The race organizers asked to publish it on their main site...and so his passion for running is beyond just the motion of his body and the mental discipline. It's a small door that has opened and eventually he will be able to solely focus on what he most passionately loves.
Freddie and Jefferson gave him long hard hugs. Jefferson, "There is no quit.{laughing}. It's not like you have a choice--you'd have to walk back." And we all laughed. He should be able to finish within 25-26hrs if all goes well. And if it doesn't go well (they have all gone exceedingly well), then he is still doing what he loves.
This is how he ended a long blog entry: Maybe it doesn't sound like I'm "gettin' ready" as much as I should be, but in my head I think I have it all together. In fact, I can see the Sunday morning finish line like its right in front of me.
Well wishes--
z: To the journey
s: To the finish line and everything in between
Freddie and Jefferson gave him long hard hugs. Jefferson, "There is no quit.{laughing}. It's not like you have a choice--you'd have to walk back." And we all laughed. He should be able to finish within 25-26hrs if all goes well. And if it doesn't go well (they have all gone exceedingly well), then he is still doing what he loves.
This is how he ended a long blog entry: Maybe it doesn't sound like I'm "gettin' ready" as much as I should be, but in my head I think I have it all together. In fact, I can see the Sunday morning finish line like its right in front of me.
Well wishes--
z: To the journey
s: To the finish line and everything in between
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Going back...
"This is my broken heart
This is my bleeding start
This is the way I've come to know you
This is my winding road
This is my way back home
This is the narrow door you know that I will walk through"
The song on repeat...waiting on the platform, walking forth and back, stopping the wind blowing, temperature cold, hills golden waiting to be hiked...commuters and their rush to board the train...BART ride to the city...and clear knowledge that I have absolutely no desire to be going to my destination...Embarcaderro station and the walk up the steps,the sounds of the 'Jazz Man' for 15 seconds--his sax soft, unimposing, a graceful secular prayer to start one's day...and then the escalator to street level. This has always ranked up there with photographs I wish I had taken (or ought to take)...looking skyward--the rise of buildings, underground tunnels to a world of light. Starbucks...venti coffee...and the walk toward 201 Mission.
Arrive on the floor...the faces. "How was Costa Rica?" again and again. A quiet response of "Incredible, wonderful, not yet back." And those faces--the ones I don't know well...some of which I will over time and others that will stay as they are in my memory. It was good to see them--all of them. So many possibilities--do they know it? Are they moving forward? Will it remain a passive resignation to be carried forward? I wonder. And I don't. I know only bits and pieces for the most part with an exception of chunks of others. Like arriving on the floor...will we arrive elsewhere together by choice? Or will it always be taking a step backward to move forward? Thoughts about motion...I'd rather not go backward...glimpses of the here and now.
Spoke with one of my favorite people for I don't know how long...was good to see them...and their lightness. I miss the energy, the theories, the perspective. A perspective so different from my own but such a joy to listen to--an active intelligence, a willing mind that tests and retests itself--one that listens and fights. Fights passionately.
Lunch with friends. Walking, one did that thing with his hands while talking--explains a ridiculous event--pauses and visually takes us in--holds his palms horizontally to the sky--shakes his head--soft laughter. A signature of his. And in the other, a fierce intelligence always processing--even when his chin is in his hand--even when he is stating, "Just water." After sitting down, miscellaneous work conversation and quietness. Three sets of eyes looking in the distance--it's rare to find people who get this, who are not insulted by sharing immediate physical space but allow for some moments of immense distance. When we all looked back at one another--one set of eyes brilliant blue twinkling and the others a deep brown--intense--but smiling. Knowing...it's not about this--as others make it. We walked afterward along the Embarcaderro...freezing...laughing about tourists who wear shorts here thinking it to be warm...but September will be wonderful and perfect and embracing. And maybe that is the easiest way to explain their presence in my life: they are like September.
The error messages were completely new and different. The attributes on the database were now Read Only and the history data was not available. The exercised is now different. I realize I need to run the original to understand the causes--the back-up has been redated...dig through files at home.
Coffee with another...a reader of common books and the most genuine person I have met in a long time. No topic is an embarrassment or off limits--it is what it is...and always receptive ears. I could say anything and would feel no judgment, no wall going up, no shock, eyes that say, 'Just Zane.' There is nothing better than just being able to be as you are without the expectations of others pressing on you. The only thing I am expected to be is exactly what I am. Is there anything better? No.
This is my bleeding start
This is the way I've come to know you
This is my winding road
This is my way back home
This is the narrow door you know that I will walk through"
The song on repeat...waiting on the platform, walking forth and back, stopping the wind blowing, temperature cold, hills golden waiting to be hiked...commuters and their rush to board the train...BART ride to the city...and clear knowledge that I have absolutely no desire to be going to my destination...Embarcaderro station and the walk up the steps,the sounds of the 'Jazz Man' for 15 seconds--his sax soft, unimposing, a graceful secular prayer to start one's day...and then the escalator to street level. This has always ranked up there with photographs I wish I had taken (or ought to take)...looking skyward--the rise of buildings, underground tunnels to a world of light. Starbucks...venti coffee...and the walk toward 201 Mission.
Arrive on the floor...the faces. "How was Costa Rica?" again and again. A quiet response of "Incredible, wonderful, not yet back." And those faces--the ones I don't know well...some of which I will over time and others that will stay as they are in my memory. It was good to see them--all of them. So many possibilities--do they know it? Are they moving forward? Will it remain a passive resignation to be carried forward? I wonder. And I don't. I know only bits and pieces for the most part with an exception of chunks of others. Like arriving on the floor...will we arrive elsewhere together by choice? Or will it always be taking a step backward to move forward? Thoughts about motion...I'd rather not go backward...glimpses of the here and now.
Spoke with one of my favorite people for I don't know how long...was good to see them...and their lightness. I miss the energy, the theories, the perspective. A perspective so different from my own but such a joy to listen to--an active intelligence, a willing mind that tests and retests itself--one that listens and fights. Fights passionately.
Lunch with friends. Walking, one did that thing with his hands while talking--explains a ridiculous event--pauses and visually takes us in--holds his palms horizontally to the sky--shakes his head--soft laughter. A signature of his. And in the other, a fierce intelligence always processing--even when his chin is in his hand--even when he is stating, "Just water." After sitting down, miscellaneous work conversation and quietness. Three sets of eyes looking in the distance--it's rare to find people who get this, who are not insulted by sharing immediate physical space but allow for some moments of immense distance. When we all looked back at one another--one set of eyes brilliant blue twinkling and the others a deep brown--intense--but smiling. Knowing...it's not about this--as others make it. We walked afterward along the Embarcaderro...freezing...laughing about tourists who wear shorts here thinking it to be warm...but September will be wonderful and perfect and embracing. And maybe that is the easiest way to explain their presence in my life: they are like September.
The error messages were completely new and different. The attributes on the database were now Read Only and the history data was not available. The exercised is now different. I realize I need to run the original to understand the causes--the back-up has been redated...dig through files at home.
Coffee with another...a reader of common books and the most genuine person I have met in a long time. No topic is an embarrassment or off limits--it is what it is...and always receptive ears. I could say anything and would feel no judgment, no wall going up, no shock, eyes that say, 'Just Zane.' There is nothing better than just being able to be as you are without the expectations of others pressing on you. The only thing I am expected to be is exactly what I am. Is there anything better? No.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
kids, cars, soft laughter - just smile
Jefferson and cars...bad combination. He was to head back to Tucson today but last evening he ended up with serious damage to his back bumper...his own fault, this morning saying, "I'm an idiot", "Jesse told me I should never drive again after the last thing."
When he called, "Zane I can't even tell you this..."
And the starts and stops came, the voice lingering, phrases of sorts.
The only question, "Are you okay?"
A quick response of, "Yeah, but I can't believe...I can't, I mean...HOT (translation, 'all bad')...."
Brief explanation then followed.
Anger? No.
Disappointment? Yes/No.
Being 19? Yes.
And life goes on. Just smile.
When he called, "Zane I can't even tell you this..."
And the starts and stops came, the voice lingering, phrases of sorts.
The only question, "Are you okay?"
A quick response of, "Yeah, but I can't believe...I can't, I mean...HOT (translation, 'all bad')...."
Brief explanation then followed.
Anger? No.
Disappointment? Yes/No.
Being 19? Yes.
And life goes on. Just smile.