Arriving

Uneventful flight...and a rapid deboarding, easy border and customs check.... We are checking on the Great Wall tours this morning--most probably do this tomorrow and today head to the Forbidden City and take in the basic feel of Beijing.

First error...drank the tap water...but feeling only slightly queasy--unlike India where you feel as if someone is ripping your stomach out (but you are sitting in a meeting...so you sit with pursed lips--while an Indian national realizes that you have been served tap water and is looking at you with pleading eyes...hoping you will be fine)...this will pass within 24hrs.

Watching French television, breezing through the literature in the room, digesting the news...one year since the tsunami...and pics of how things have been rebuilt....

Uneventful blog. giggle.

On the way

What will it be to be standing there instead of here...

What will it be to see a world that assimilates and emulates to mine, but fundamentally differs at the core...the appearance of a thing vs. what it is...

What will it be?

Here we come Beijing

James Baldwin

I remember reading Baldwin the first time in high school...unknown which year or how I happened upon his writing...nor in fact can I remember which book, although it was small and I enjoyed the language he used. For some reason, I think it was set in Venice--was somewhat sad and lonely. I have recently just up'd a part of my library by hitting the used bookstore. Purchased some 18 books specific to African American history and have taken the plunged into digesting them. One of the books happens to be by Baldwin...and the language--it's rawness and how it flows is amazing. I feel when I read his words that I am thinking his thoughts--the fluidity resonates....
=========

You think your pains and heartbreaks are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who have ever been alive.
James Baldwin (1924 - 1987)

It is said that the camera cannot lie, but rarely do we allow it to do anything else, since the camera sees what you point it at: the camera sees what you want it to see.
James Baldwin (1924 - 1987)

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.
James Baldwin (1924 - 1987)

James Blunt

"You're beautiful..."

Premises

I listened to a friend last evening describe the philosophical battle she is having with herself...no peace, no central core that screams out to be...just turmoil. I listened and tried to understand what it must be from her perspective--to strive to live according to certain doctrines in a time and place that almost guarantees the impossibility of the task. How does one accept values and a guide to life that appears to deny the world around them...to live in the world but not of the world. I wonder about the machinations, the guilt, the continuing beating of oneself up. Constant, ever present fighting with your own being. An assurance that happiness is not the goal--that no internally set goal from one's mind is acceptable. But rather, the integrating and accepting fully what has been dictated....

It occurs to me perhaps this is most people...Subconsciously, most of the time. That appearance of getting along in the world, but never at home in it.

Err...Where are the people who are at home living on this earth?

Sitting back

I resigned myself to sitting with my back in the chair...clickity clackity of the keys...and finding the anger and frsutration rising with the continuation of the conversation. Too many notes in my head and questions...and listening, listening to a day of "discussion" that ought to have never occurred here...in this place.

Onward...away....

Omaha

Not even lonely...or desolate...or...

Over dinner, the wind was hallowing, the snow blowing...at times it was falling across the street lamps...and a part of me thought I would prefer to be walking out there...in all of that...alive.

Business trips...and the company they bring. I am with a group of bright individuals. One guy is off the hook insofar as intelligence--his range and depth, the honest and practical of the business world, the true look at what leadership with vision--a vision of meshing and vetting looks like. Others, still not attuned, still not taking in that things in and of themselves can be great...you just have to acknowledge that there is muck with everything. Those who come in to fight--with an agenda, that carry an attitude of that somehow speaks through their body language and choice of words, "I know better...my way..."; I shake my head without movement, my lips pursed together--thinking...YOU my friend who are not looking beyond this space here and now, who cant get past fear--YOU are living but half a life. How much does this person miss by being so calculated from their secure but fearful base? And then there is another, who is lost, just very lost. The questions a surmising of what was discused a half hour before. A repeating of points, a look of inquisitiveness with no true question there--a person who lacks that gleam in their eye of understanding....just going through the motions.

More thoughts later...I wonder if there will be a day when I look around and feel the embrace of hope--of what can be--of a world of ones making--surrounded by people who fear what is in front of them, but that fear energizes them, that fear is not the enemy--that fear is the reason for moving forward--to strive--to be.

Miss my boys...all of them. I imagine a day when Jefferson and I will have lengthy discussions about the mind, motivation, how he sees others. And Freddie, I miss his depth...when he sits back and thinks through others eyes--and the look on his face, because although he doesnt want to understand--he does...and ultimately he will suffer less as he is far more accepting than a rejector of others. And Steve...halfway about the world...hopefully that trip is going well.

Lots of thoughts. Lots of thoughts.

Words

Do your words strike or stroke the listener?

Returning

Jefferson arrived home last evening with Justin in tow. Strange for all of us to be standing around the kitchen eating, joking and looking at one another with love and growth. Jefferson has matured--and seems more resolved with U of AZ. Justin heads to boot camp on 12/6 and wants lots of letters. Freddie, altho feeling not like the center of attention for the first time in months, did surprisingly well.

The boys and Cathy are going to eat at Cathy's moms place. Steve and I are headed to a movie and Dennys.

Head to Los Angeles tomorrow for a basketball tourney. Hopefully the boys play hard and strive to win. There are changes in their mentality--amazing to see. Think this is the best age to be involved with kids--conceptually things begin to click. They can think abstractly, they learn to reason with consideration of others in mind.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Trudging along

MusicOne streaming: http://www.m1live.com/listen.php (Much like Ministry of Sound)
Music options: www.mikesradioworld.com (Enjoyable selection of stations about the world)

Watched Batman Begins and Radio over the weekend. First half of the Batman movie was very different from what I expected and was exactly what I enjoy...discovering root cause and watching how you can pivot your life into a different direction. Radio was slow to it's point, but recommended for the msg... to not look away at injustice, but to act in whatever way is possible to you.

Realize we are lacking passport pages for the visa...err...maybe Australia would have proven the better option...but something about the Great Wall is so overwhelmingly right even if it will be 20 degrees, a hallowing wind and snow.

Work continues. Good time to catch up on what has not been completed and touch up those areas that grant greater visibility into key areas of interest.

Teatro ZinZanni

Great time at Steve's parents 40th anniversary. The show is different from the one we saw last year. The added or enhanced acts were really impressive and the finishing Aria from Aida was perhaps better executed as well.

Really enjoyable time!

www.reflexfm.nl

Dutch rap...

Outside the box.

Heading home...too tired to finish this up.

Moving forward

It's odd how things collide...news from multiple friends simultaneously with the same fundamental message, "things are not good". I think it's the time of year as work often follows the same pattern--the same stress, the same sense of being from very different types of people.

Move through it
Move through it
Move through it

Think to the core of your being what drives your moods and actions

And move through it
Move through it
Go through it

Birthday wishes & Lists

Happy Birthday girlie! You should have brought yer butt to Cali!

====================================================

So cultural differences, Lonely Planet reports the following message again and again:
1. Lots of honking
2. Lots of spitting
3. Lots of nervous laughter from those who do not know what you are saying
4. Lots of garbage (but squeaky clean compared to India)
5. Great food
6. Lovely people
7. Lots of music blaring everywhere
8. Racism...but in Chinese...so that's kind of overt
And the list goes on.

We're trying to figure out what to do in our window of time...first thing is get the visas...or we wont be able to enter the country at all...downtime this weekend...grasp what Beijing has to offer and set sail in my mind to faraway places imagining the reality of it all in just six weeks.

East

We're going to Beijing China...Great Wall here I come. Very very very excited about it. We have the tix and hotel...now to actually map out the concrete options--all the possibilities...and learning to embrace what I imagine will be a snowy, cold, grey visit.

Peng is going to teach me Mandarin and Aimee is giving instructions on how to shop...lol.

and this is life...the life of choices.

Current state

I find my thoughts going back to the summer...and on the drive home the other night, the first cold evening, the air was crisp and the moon a crescent and the stars shining brightly...as if it were summer again at 1:30am in the pool with Steve...the only time we found ourselves sharing a conscious space.

Work has picked up for me again. The balance of Freddy and trying to focus on this project is proving difficult. Basketball almost daily, maths tutor, school, looking at high schools, workouts...and then in the inbetween hours learning about the business processes, building an image in my head and then laying it to paper. Odd to put yourself in time constraints...to shut-off the ideas, to shutdown when all of you wants to maintain the stream that currently has one;s attention.... But it wouldnt be fair to Frederick--divided attention makes for poor parenting.

Time to head out...get home...read...get up at 5:40 head to shooting workout with Frederick...watch his shooting, make mental notes grasp what percentage of his shots are made...were the mechanics good...is his mind at ease...head home, clean-up, have him eat, make his lunch and get him to school...get to work...draw maps in my head...attend meetings...pick-up Frederick....

Seems static...yet it evolves in it's own little way...a bit older, stronger, wiser, bolder...a life.

Old tunes

Going through old CDs in my car…popped in Era’s, “The Mass”. I had forgotten how much I enjoy this CD. Not intellectually deep, but offers an incredible beat and an eclectic mix of dance mix and hymnal. It also occurs to me that this could be the theme song for a couple of friends…giggle…

Era – The Mass – Looking For Something
Looking for something

Something new

Something good

Something fast

Something exciting

Looking for something

Something won

Something real

Something strong

Something exciting

Looking for something

Something won

Something good

Something strong

Something exciting

Looking for something

I wanna share something

I wanna feel Something won

Something real

Something exciting...

Tired...sleepless

Dropped by Jefferson's dorm...he is not around...hmmm...lol--nothing has changed. It's been a long drive to have a no show occur. He is probably at the gym working out.

Trying to stay awake...realizing I love sunrise in the desert...but just before it I find is the 20-30 minutes that I need to pull over and rest. The last three road trips I have done the same thing. Internal clock saying, "Hey the sun is going to rise in a half hour, you wont be able to rest with the heat in the desert." Unknown, but I am beginning to think that is why I find myself taking a 20 minute nap after driving for ten hours. Not sure it matters. Another indicator of weariness...writing about things that have little impact on one's life.

Realizing...sleep calls.

Parents weekend

Heading to Arizona after the game this evening. Lot's of wondering, thinking, imagining. Has Jefferson grown--changed--seen something new about the world and himself. Does more seem possible...do the opportunities seem endless.

I can't remember exactly my first couple of months at college. I remember bits and pieces--but not the feelings. Lots of letter writing. Lots of wandering through the library stacks...reading heaps. I hung out with my roommate a lot although he was 33 and I was 18. He played the banjo and grew-up in WV although his mother worked in Manhattan for Christian Dior. Ron Duke, eternal student with a big heart and at the core carried with him a broken spirit from childhood.

I wonder how Jefferson will fair. He is in the dorms...very different from living on your own. He is surrounded by the same age group of people...very different than living with an adult who is independent. He is Jefferson...giggle...and so...he is perhaps in the best place for him right now.

Looking forward to seeing his smiling face, his laugh, his assessment of what school is like.

Long drive...time to think...Khion, Freddy -- Phoenix then Tucson...on the way back the Grand Canyon.

A day off much needed--

Day off...read, think, rest and do a little cleaning.

Came across this passage which I think explains clearly the current environment:

"A state of things in which a large portion of the most active and inquiring intellects find it advisable to keep their general principles and the grounds of their convictions within their own breasts, and attempt, in what they address to the public, to fit as much of what they can of their own conclusions to premises which they have internally renounced, cannot send forth the open, fearless characters, and logical, consistent intellects who once adorned the thinking world."

...but I still hold that everything changes in six months--so it is only patience that is required until that time.

House is so quiet. Just the pitter patter of kitty feet bouncing about. Going to work finishing or rather reworking one of my crafts projects...need to dig out the materials. And then back to this great book that is a much needed escape to a world which ought to be and in time perhaps will be.

Walter Pater, Renaissance

"The service of philosphy, of speculative culture, towards the human spirit, is to rouse, to startle it to a life of constant and eager obervation. Every moment some form grows perfect in hand or face; some tone on the hills or the sea is choicer than the rest; some mood of passion or insight or intellectual excitement is irresistibly real and attractive to us -- for that moment only. Not the fruit of experience, but the experience itself, is the end. A counted number of pulses only is given to us of a variegated, dramatic life. How may we see in them all that is to be seen in them by the finest senses? How shall we pass most swiftly from point to point, and be present always at the focus where the greatest number of vital forces unite in their purest energy? To burn always with this hard, gem-like flame, to maintain this ecstasy, is success in life. In a sense it might even be said that our failure is to form habits: for, after all, habit is relative to a stereotyped world, and meantime it is only the roughness of the eye that makes two persons, things, situations, seem alike. While all melts under our feet, we may well grasp at any exquisite passion, or any contribution to knowledge that seems by a lifted horizon to set the spirit free for a moment, or any stirring of the sense, strange dyes, strange colours, and curious odours, or work of the artist's hands, or the face of one's friend. Not to discriminate every moment some passionate attitude in those about us, and in the very brilliancy, of their gifts some tragic dividing on their ways, is on this short day of frost and sun, to sleep before evening."

Multiple references

Time wasted. Persona. Who today, why--what--when?

Movie: Coach Carter

Coach Ken Carter:

What is your deepest fear?

Timo Cruz:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.

It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Meetings

Thoughts...

• Inefficiencies
• Productiveness
• Committing to timelines
• Understanding the goal
• Unity
• Resonating with another
• A want to understand the constitution and timing of a thing vs. personal agendas
• Time...wasted...there is enough work that the last few weeks ought to have been sher due diligence

To do...

• Re-read Atlas Shrugged
• Breathe deeply

Giggle

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

Humor: Making the Best of One's Circumstances

From: http://www.thubtenchodron.org/PrisonDharma/humor.html

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son describing his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm getting too old to dig up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4:00 a.m. this next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

Happy Anniversary Even-Odd!!!

You Are So Beautiful(B.Preston/Fisher)

You are so beautiful to me
You are so beautiful can't you see
You're everything I hoped for
You're everything I need
You are so beautiful to me

Such joy and happiness you bring
Such joy and happiness you bring
Like a dream
A guiding light that shines in the night
Heavens gift to me
You are so beautiful to me


I love you -- xo

Half Dome

Completed the Half Dome hike...17 miles...'extremely strenuous'...4800ft up starting at 4000ft. Amazing!

Yosemite

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity.These are but trifles, to be sure; but, scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable."

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."

"If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul."

"The sun was shining in my eyes, and I could barely see To do the necessary task that was allotted me.Resentment of the vivid glow, I started to complain--When all at once upon the air I heard the blindman's cane."



Quiet joy...long hikes in Yosemite.

MY LIFE AND TIMES/ABC/1991

“I wouldn't say I've seen it all, but I've seen a lot. I've seen the world change. I’ve seen myself change. I've watched footsteps on the moon. I've seen myself stumble. I've made a fortune. I've lost a fortune. I've loved and lost and lived to love again. The one thing I know is...life is an adventure. You've got to hold on and let it carry you away. It's carried me all the way to the year 2035 and I'm here to tell the tale. I'm Ben Miller and this is my life and times."

...great television show...miss it heaps.

Smiley calls

Jefferson called lastnight. Said he is enjoying it but 'hates' one class. 'I thought it was going to be about cutlure, social classes--it's basically biology and evolution.' He said he hasn't been studying very much and there is a lot of reading...also said he knew he needed to get with it. He said the other classes are going well--his grades are good and he is plugging away. Seems he has turned a corner and sounds like he is looking forward to our visiting. He laughed a lot which was good to hear.

Freddie worked out at Silliman with Max and Isaiah. They ran with the older kids and did well as a team. Interesting to see 8th graders hold their own with much older boys...and that sense of joy in them--the determination to strive toward a win. They did beat one set of older kids which is impressive to me as they were fundamentally sound--not just streetballers.

Steve wandered in sometime early this morning...all nighters again this week...and next...probably through mid-November. But he is excited about Yosemite and hiking in the high country. Will be a nice 24hr escape. Leaving Friday after Freddie's game and then will get back late Saturday evening so he can get to his Sunday soccer game. I think his **need** for soccer is back in full force...gets a lil down if he thinks he'll miss a game.

Whirlwind of activity continues.

Errr

Still realize I am upset about the conversation over the weekend. How does someone tell you--talk at you--not listen--over speak you and tell you what is right and wrong for your child...and when they run out of all their erroneous reasons they land on the race card? What is more amazing is that he didn't ask any relevant questions, did not try to ascertain the truth or falsity of his premises...guess it works most of the time.Time to exit, to walk away.

And how does a basketball coach validate waving a wad a cash in a 13 year old boys face, saying "How much" just so he'll play on their team... he said it jokingly...but what are you teaching him--and under the surface there is no joke there.

Where were these people when he was just another little boy? And what about all the kids out there who just want someone to care about them...and all this talk about education and in the same conversation the word "scout" comes out...translation--the speaker gets a kick-back for his finds.

It's funny, it will never matter how much I love them or care about them or do for them...the final statement will be, "You're not one of us, you're not our kind, we know better for our own." Regardless of the amount of evidence that illustrates the exact opposite of their beliefs.

Need to get over it. It's just going to get way way way worse. Need to learn to deal with it.

Race cards

When someone pulls out race in a conversation...do you engage or walk away? Do you sit there and take the comments, process them, pose back questions or do you quietly excuse yourself from the conversation?

What is the motivation behind the race card? Separation, alienation, a lack of acknowledgement of the human perspective? Or is it sheer arrogance and condescension?

=========

Looking forward to this weekend. Hiking in Yosemite. Quiet. Away from the mainstream world.

Time

"the ultimate patience

is a patience with yourself,

not the world"

Slow, slow, slow

Days are going slow...

With everything changing, seems like it will be weeks before anything begins to take off. Not sure why it is difficult to take advantage of the downtime...two projects to finish, one they are saying to shelve it as the process owners are disinterested, the other needs major approvals and is surrounding a massive purge which is unlikely to occur. DMA again.... Goal is by the new year that DMAIC is achieved and well executed.

Freddie has workouts everyday this week. Steve has all nighters to get the product out. Jefferson is chugging away in Arizona. My world seems quiet. Very quiet.

Coyote Hills

Got Cathy to walk with me in Coyote Hills. She was surprised by how nice the day was and the distance she walked. Enjoyed herself immensely. I think I have her convinced that trying Mission slowly is doable--hills and all. Just go slow, take lots of breaks and keep taking in the view. The weather will eventually be cold...but we have about a month of good weather. Hope she keep sit up.

Distance

Reality is hard to swallow...and the distance, the gap grows. A simple, or perhaps not so simple, 'thank you' is absent, even a confirmation. Still very one sided. Still very over focussed on wants without effort--do it for me, but let me claim I am independent. But then, I imagine when you never have quite achieved basic respect with someone, they will continue to interact with you on a use-abuse basis.

Freddie's game went well last evening. He was tentative at first and then started to mesh with the other kids. The league is five weeks long and mixes kids from all different teams. He continued to hang in the wing position when really he should have dropped to power forward. But, his performance was fine and he said he enjoyed himself...looking forward to playing the other teams.

Hiked Mission...was difficult after two months of not doing very much. A week ago I was walking in the fjords...now back in CA...gold hills that are parched--but oddly welcoming. Steve waited for me at the park entrance and was talking to a guy who in his wheelchair went up to the peak and down. Takes him all day essentially...at times it's too steep and he drags his wheelchair up while crawling. Incredible. He has done 14k ft...and the Ohlone trail in 5 days.... Good to have in the back of one's head--when you dont feel like doing it...sound point of reference.

Making plans to visit Jefferson...few weeks. Freddie, Cathy and Khion will all be going. We'll drop Khion in Phoenix so he can hang with Tosheka and then we'll pick him up on the way out. Looking forward to seeing Jefferson, hopefully he is looking forward to seeing us.

Returning

Settling in back at work and catching up on mails with friends, etc.

The last day of the trip, the weather was perfect...walked through Green and St. James parks and wrote post cards. Amazing day just hanging around.

Glad to be home...back into the swing of things. Work is still whacky, it's maybe time to consider other options. The things you hear become far more warped after you have returned from even a short absence. In a year so much has changed, so many events, people, things that have both worked and other results that one never wants to encounter again.

Looking forward to finishing up these projects and starting the new ones.

Wrapping up

Yesterday spent the entire day on ferries getting to the glacier that is closest to Bergen. The Glacier Museum had an impressive movie that I think would inspire anyone to want to journey across this national park.

Today...Bergen to Haugesund to London...and then home tomorrow.


It's been a good trip...a welcome one and thoroughly enjoyable.

Oslo to Bergen

Something about Stockholm put me off from gathering my way around Oslo. From arrival in Oslo, I immediately booked the 'Norway in a Nutshell' tour which was incredible. A three hour train ride through the countryside and climbs through the mountains and arriving at what feels like the top of the world. Glaciers, howling wind, rain beating down...breaks of sunlight...incredibly beautiful. The next trains sole purpose was to take us down the fjord to a town called Flam. From Myradal (top of the fjord) to Flam (at the bottom) is a 6km trip on a train with 5 braking systems. You dont see heaps of the fjord itslef as much of the trip is in tunnels...there is even a complete 180 degree turn within the mountain itself...but still the sights were impressive. From Flam you board a boat for two hours and ferry to Gundvagal (spelling is wrong) which gives you the first taste of what the fjords are really like. Will post pictures when I get back, but if you ave ever looked at cruise brochures--it really does look like the advertisements. From the boat you take a bus and then another train to Bergen. Definitely recommend this as a must do for anyone.

No solid plans yet today. Thinking I will walk around Bergen and take in som of the sights and then book a boat trip through the longest fjord...

Gamla Stan and beyond

Stockholm hås ä very different feel thån other pläces I have visited in Europe. It is fär more modern thän expected and things appeär very similär . . . when in English. Oddly enough, the cäfe I am sitting is plåying ä middle eåstern cd thät I häve ät höme.

Gamla Stan is he original and old part of stockholm. The streets are narröw and has the feel of europe although for the most part this is a shopping quarter. Some of the streets are cobblestone filled but others are granite bricks...to match the architecture. It is a nice area to walk about in...but many of the finds are similar to what one would find in San Francisco. I went to another island (this area of sweden is a bunch of islands linked by short bridges and boat locks) or perhaps better said, I went to Norrmalm which has some of the nicest waterfront areas of stockholm. The buildings again, much of the age is similar to Germany pre WWII or for a local comparisson the Ritz Carlton in NY is of the same period. Not sure what the actual architectural name is, but from that era. From here I took a two hour cruise named, 'Under the Bridges' which was relaxing, informative and altogether a nice way to pass time and veg for a bit. From the dock I walked to Skeppsholmen which is where the National Museum is located...almost went in and remembered from my reading that there was another museum that was a ´do not miss´. Walked to the next island called Skansen.

This museu´m, the Vassa houses a ship that sunk in 1629. They raised the ship and it sits in a museum where you can walk about it (it is huge...huge!) and look at various éxhibits related to it's history. Really impressive...but the Viking/Swedish history--brutal. Farmers who liked to fight.

My train for Oslo heads out at 10:20pm and will arrive at 7:00am. Not sure if I will take in many sights there...looking forward to the fjords and there is a lot to do from Bergen. From what I can gather Norway is much more modern than Sweden...perhaps something along the lines of Westerners arriving in Singapore only to find that they feel they are in the US.

To date

Wedding was thoroughly enjoyable...the speeches, seeing the sheer happiness on Ruaidhri's face and the glow about Aine--absolutely wonderful.

Ireland is beautiful. Spent three days in Galway, then drove toward Connaught and took in the beach...very quiet. Drove south and saw the Cliffs of Mohr, went further to Kenmare which is perhaps one of most 'enchanting' towns I have seen...stayed at the Shelburne Lodge which was the original house of the Prime Minister who reconciled in 1783 the Brits and States. We then went on to Dingle and onto Bunraitte Castle just outside of Limmerick.

Now in Stockholm and heading to Oslo.

Pseudo schedule

SFO to London to Shannon to Galway...hang out for a few days, catch a wedding, check out the pubs, take in the sights, walk along the bay and then head to County Clare, Limerick, County Kerry, if we are super motivated take in Dublin for a day...back to Shannon to London to Stockholm to Malmo to Copenhagen to Oslo to Bergen...seee the fjords, drink some serious coffee, take amazing photos, learn a little of the local vernacular...to Haugesund to London...catch a play, pick-up silly knick-knacks, sleep and next day head back to SFO.

Between Stockholm and Bergen the concrete plan is non-existent, but the beginning and end...solid. It's a start.

this

"this is not a story
this is not a dream
this is your life"

Freddie is ranked in Northern California...pretty cool. He found it inspiring and was impressed with his counterparts. He knows most of the other kids from tournaments and feels it is a sound competitive bunch. Hopefully this is the year of ball handling skills. He begins working out one-on-one with two different people next week. He seems very dedicated to taking his game to the next level telling his coach that he wants to be a nationally ranked player.

I have changed my plans a bit for the second week. Fly from London into Oslo and then take the train toward Bergen, stopover in Flam and take the rail there. Go onto Bergen and then take day trips through the Fjords for a couple of days and then head down toward Denmark to Copenhagen and then fly back to London. Not certain of anything yet, but looks like Norway is definitely one stop. Scotland will have to wait....

Basics

Received the first e-mail from Jefferson. He sounds good and focussed. Independence does the mind good.

Work is at a standstill. Haven't picked up an old project as I am off for two weeks. Whoa! But think I will be very well rested upon my return and hopefully will have a fresh perspective on how things can be improved.

Steve wandered in at half three this morning...another build...few more weeks and his work should settle a bit. I think the week away for him is more than needed.

"Come out from behind the clouds,
And shine!"

Gratitude For When Things Do Work Well

"Things don’t always work as we would want them to. Machines break down. People don’t remember to do what they said they would. Stores run out of things, and sometimes they are closed when they were scheduled to be open. Letters we were supposed to receive aren’t always delivered on time. Messages are not always given to us. The amount of things that don’t work out the way they usually do is enormous.

How will your emotional reaction be towards these types of occurrences? It’s up to you.

Some people choose to be frustrated and disappointed. They feel stress and distress. They lack a feeling of well-being.

A master of gratitude will use all occurrences to gain greater mastery over gratitude. Each time something doesn’t work out the way they would want it to, they remember to feel grateful for all the times that things do work out well. This pattern of thinking gives them feelings of happiness and joy.

When a machine breaks down, they are happy for all the times when this and other machines do work. If someone doesn’t remember to do what he said he would, they are grateful for all the times this person did remember. And they are grateful for other people remembering to do what they said they would. When stores run out of things, it’s a reminder to be grateful for all the times this store and other stores had the things that you needed and wanted. A message not given is a reminder to be more careful to give over messages yourself, and to be grateful for all the messages that you did receive. A letter not received on time is a reminder to be grateful for all the letters you did receive on time. All the many things that don’t work out the way they usually do, are reminders to be grateful for all multitude of things that do work out.

A person who integrates this pattern will live a life of gratitude and happiness." Rabbi Zelig Pliskin

Tired

Jefferson is settled in at college...misses his room at home, but knows that he will adjust. Hopefully his classes are challenging and enjoyable--hopefully he finds his niche quickly and learns to explore things that may on the surface not seem his cup of tea. Will be interesting to see if there is any change come October.

Freddie's tournament this weekend was interesting from the mental persepective. There is an intensity developing in him...a want of a dream and a willingness to put in the effort to achieve it. He is feeling a gap between himself and others--very self-aware of what he needs to be doing, of how he needs to commit, of how difficult this choice of wanting to play D1 ball is. I am glad to see this in him, but wonder if it is too much at 13...integrate lots of fun inbetween workouts, make sure we workout with him, make sure he feels supported 100% and that he feels he can kvetch when he needs to.

This week back on an old project, looking forward to the monotony of research. Next week off to Ireland. A few days in Galway, Dublin, London, and then me onward to Scotland and then it appears Bergen, Norway and the Fjords. Seems manageable in the short time I will have. Then back to concentrated effort and finishing up my second Six Sigma project.

Last passages

Every beginning is difficult. I imagine tomorrow morning to be a welcome mayhem. Confusion and chaos, excitement and a bit of drama. What emotions will Jefferson show, where will the lines be drawn, will he distance himself immediately or will he cling...unknown. The typical Jefferson will cling, but the excitement of all of this will be overwhelming. To begin...to get started...to be in this phase of one's life.

I welcome the drive tonight, the dark, the stars. I welcome the trip home a bit more. Time to think. Solitude.

A sense of things

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." Rilke

I imagine the next few weeks will be filled with the unaswered questions...a sense of things only.

Rest

leisure time
rest
no worries

I head to Tuscon on Wednesday evening with Jefferson. I think I have faced a number of the emotions that a parent feels already. A sense of worry, a sense of accomplishment, a wondering how he will be in six months--if the change in him will be visible. I worry about the regular external influences...will he remain true to his core, will he recognize both his strengths and weaknesses--and the best course of action in relation to each...will he embrace his fears and learn from it--work through it--be the person he is capable of being. And I think how I will miss him, of the choices Steve and I made in changing the direction of our lives in order to make the four of us a family. A different kind of adventure than I ever imagined...and one I will miss terribly.

We go to Ireland at month end...spend a week there, and Steve will head home. I am staying on an additional week, planning (altho this may change on the fly) to ferry to Scotland, see Edinburgh, take another ferry to Amsterdam or perhaps Oslo or Stockholm. Something about remaining afloat--perhaps six week indoors has me craving a cold grey misty wind on my face...or perhaps that image represents the sadness I feel in relation to Jefferson--a form of tears that one does not cry...a happy sadness of sorts if that makes any sense.

Begin running again this week and hiking. Welcome the Arizona heat and some of the trails. Back on schedule...more personal time...finish the new Harry Potter book...see some friends that have wondered if I really exist anymore and respond to e-mails over a month old. Do others understand the drive, the passion, the want in terms of one's work...when I look back it is not the detail of the project, but the quality of doing the thing that others said could not be done...not to prove them wrong, but to prove concretely that things exist and can be illustrated quantitatively; that dependence on whim, assertion is not required nor desired--

Errr back on work...circular....Jefferson...work...Jefferson...work...lol...

It will be good get away...to be far removed from the familiar and intensity of work and home. To feel and be in the moment, independent physically and very in tune with preparing myself for the next few months and looking at other opportunities that are appearing before me.

Tomorrow...car service...Tiffanys (o, the blue box and barbie dolls...how I remember them both so clearly from a young age)...and a long walk in the sun!!! A very long walk outside, very very very long walk.

All nighter

It has been a long time since the last all nighter related to work. One day in May, another last fall and then prior to that I can't remember. The final product of six intense weeks...seems like a year...six weeks and many things uncovered yet unresolved. There is an emptiness--an 'if only' we had more time...but we don't. This is what we were given and we have busted our butts to make it the best possible with the resources available. Aimee and I have worked everyday for six weeks at a minimum of 12hrs per day...upward of 18 on most. But it has been an incredible experience--leaving my eyes just a bit brighter than been before.

Jaime, a good friend at work has the following quote hanging in his cube. I think it is fitting because it describes a person at rest, a person who made faced the thing they thought they could not do and met it head on...

Litany of Fear

Fear is the mind-killer

Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

ANd when it has gone past me, I will turn to see Fear's path.

Where the Fear as gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

Jefferson heads to college in a week. Bridget gets married in a week. Ruaidhri and Aine get married in three weeks. New beginnings. l'chaim!

Choice & Action

"Our ability to change the world
lies in our hands, minds, hearts, bodies, and spirits ~ committed in action.
It's not only that we can make a difference,
it's that we do make the difference.
The kind of change we make is up to us.
Each and every one of us has the power to heal or to hurt,
to be the hero or the destroyer ~
with every moment, with every breath of every day. "

Wine and roses...patience and life

Interesting conversation on the way to work, "...your life is wine and roses Zane....what do you have to have patience about...." A serious query. Internally, my head shaking, wondering if it is really possible for someone to pretend so much--to be so self-consumed that the events around them are not apparent.

It's funny that Stephen Covey's subway story struck me lastnight, only to have this morning be a reminder of the exact behavior he was speaking to. It took the greatest amount of patience to not pile on the questions, to dig, to make evident specific fallacies. Foremost in my mind was, "To what end?" and then secondarily, "How does one arrive here--at this level, and stay there? How do they allow themselves to not look beyond?"

. . .

Niles Canyon. And it is getting lighter later. I think I have spent 90% of my summer indoors, at work. Long days with little sunlight, recycled air and lots of Yuban. Looking forward to the long drive to AZ. Looking forward to Ireland, Scotland and where ever my days away lead me. Looking forward, outward, beyond this here and now.

What if it isn't the way you think it is?

Stephen Covey tells the story of something he experienced while riding the subway one morning in New York. People were sitting quietly---some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene.

Suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed. The father sat down next to Covey and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to Covey did nothing.

Covey was irritated. He couldn’t believe that the man could be so insensitive, letting his children run wild like that. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what Covey considered great patience and self-restraint, he turned to the man and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”

The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time. He said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”

Can you imagine how Covey felt at that moment? Suddenly he saw the whole scene differently. Irritation vanished; compassion welled up. “Your wife just died? Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” In an instant, everything had changed.



Where do your unstated presumptions lead you and what judgments do you pass. Think. Then think again. If your life depended on the accuracy of your assumptions…how long would you remain alive?

Control files and some such things

"must be nice..."
little things that grant peace...that bring that smile...where you find yourself looking out and up and there is nothing but the suns strength striking you at the core and the wind blowing by your ears and the sight of summer flowers that are more vibrant than you have ever remembered before...

long days....

couple more weeks...

off to driving Jefferson to college....

It IS nice...

To the sweetest boy in the world...cause I haven't seen you in what seems forever...I hear this song and I don't have to think "It must be nice to have--", I have it.

( MUST BE NICE ): having someone who understands the life you live
( MUST BE NICE ): having someone who is slow to take and quick to give
( MUST BE NICE ): having someone who sticks around when the rough times get big
Someone whose smile is bright enough to make the projects feel like a mansion
( MUST BE NICE ): having someone who loves you despite your faults
( MUST BE NICE ): having someone who talks the talk but also walks the walk
…
Someone who loves you fa'sho and just remember to never let em go

( MUST BE NICE ): having someone you can come home to from a long day of work
( MUST BE NICE ): having someone who you don't have to show they know exactly where it hurts
( MUST BE NICE ): having someone who trusts you despite what they've heard
Someone as mighty as a lion but still as gentle as a blue bird
( MUST BE NICE ): having someone you don't have to tell you don't wanna be alone
( MUST BE NICE ): having someone you can grow old with until God calls our home
…
Someone who loves you fa'sho, and you'll never let em go

Counting down

Odd to think just three weeks . . . and then . . . an absence . . . but a life being lived.

Falling apart

When things fall apart...and you pick up the pieces...and they continue to fall...and the recipient of your assistance refuses to see their internal thinking--evaluate their approach--insistence that they are not responsible...when you continue to pick up those pieces and hope for the best, what are the consequences. I liken this to a form of non-action, a passivity, a watchful eye that is not proactive in anyway. Do you let things fall so far and fast and in some capacity stay attuned to what needs to be done...or...do you push the individual to stand tall, see straight, steer clear...or...what is the appropriate life lesson...unknown.

Striving to keep the internal peace, breathe deeply, find the strength to keep an uplifted spirit.

When does that moment come for most...when the words, "This is your life" means something far more than getting your way and being self-consumed.

Onward.

Auberge

In Mendocino we stayed at Auberge...one of my favorite songs, The Mention of Your Name, is on Chris Rea's album, Auberge . . . coincidences and interlocking memories . . . the difference between what was and what is . . . and the presence of a distant voice in one's head, of memories, of pauses along the way....

Time goes by and every single tear
It must have well run dry
And the lonely nights
Become a strange accepted way

And the years go past
Just like the old song says
The pain with time has healed it couldn't last
But oh a friend like a fool
Mentions your name

Sunny days, drunken nights
You smile and say, it's alright
But oh the cold cold rain
At the mention of your name

Forgive me please
If I shrug my shoulders
When I put my friend at ease
As I get older
It's not that I don't feel colder then before

Oh I've become so good at hiding
What I feel without confiding
It's still the same, darling still the same
At the mention of your name

Cartwheels

In the past week I watched as cars lead the way in front...I looked at the tag only to find myself reading the words "CARRYON" and "HRDWRK2" and I thought--how wonderful...because quite simply that's all it takes and the eyes to see.

We took Friday off and travelled up highway 1 toward Mendocino. We rested on the beach, walked along the coast and in his joy--his lightness, Steve did a cartwheel. It's been some time since we have felt this at ease...a day spent with absolutely no expectations, no deadlines, no interdependence--no meetings!!!!!

The cottage we found by chance was perfect, the natural food store was perfect, the blackberries on the path to the beach perfect, the dinner--was perfect...on the way back we stopped at a couple of wineries and this just added to a more than peaceful, chill, at rest kind of time.

Although we had to cancel Zion due to our projects having tight windows...36 hours of perfect is irreplaceable.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow - Endymion

The rising moon has hid the stars;
Her level rays, like golden bars,
Lie on the landscape green,
With shadows brown between.

And silver white the river gleams,
As if Diana, in her dreams,
Had dropt her silver bow
Upon the meadows low.

On such a tranquil night as this,
She woke Endymion with a kiss,
When, sleeping in the grove,
He dreamed not of her love.

Like Dian's kiss, unasked, unsought,
Love gives itself, but is not bought;
Nor voice, nor sound betrays
Its deep, impassioned gaze.

It comes,--the beautiful, the free,
The crown of all humanity,--
In silence and alone
To seek the elected one.

It lifts the boughs, whose shadows deep
Are Life's oblivion, the soul's sleep,
And kisses the closed eyes
Of him, who slumbering lies.

O weary hearts! O slumbering eyes!
O drooping souls, whose destinies
Are fraught with fear and pain,
Ye shall be loved again!

No one is so accursed by fate,
No one so utterly desolate,
But some heart, though unknown,
Responds unto his own.

Responds,--as if with unseen wings,
An angel touched its quivering strings;
And whispers, in its song,
"'Where hast thou stayed so long?"

Great Eatz w/Wonderful People

Ruaidhri has been in town...dinner at LuLu...lots of laughs...talked about his wedding, the trip to Ireland, his buying a flat in London...his bachelor party planned in Spain...growing. He is showing the edgy side, the cofidence, the looking through a person type qualities...enjoy his company. A friend for life.

Charlotte was in from London as well...flying back home this afternoon. Headed to Palomino, first stopped at Boulevard...40 minute wait at half eight...no thanks. Enjoyable meal, laughed heaps about life 10 years ago and the time that has passed in between...great conversation--below the surface, not cleansed, it is what it is--and it's ok. Another friend for life.

I am lucky to have such friends. Intelligent, genuine, striving to live their life in the best way they know how...no illusions of grandeur...I feel their embrace regardless of their location...I have full knowledge that they love me to the core and that I add value to their life. In the book of my life, these names will be written with great happiness and joy associated with them.

Steve and I swam...or more floated about in the pool...exchanged notes on the day...finding ourselves enjoying the time just to be outdoors in the small capacity...45mins, just past midnight, catch up on the day, kvetch about the nonsense and laugh about the ineptitude.

Behind

Owe heaps of mails outward...this weekend...must do.

When you are exhausted everything seems quiet...almost as if you are walking about in a bubble, where the sound isn't quite crisp--not muffled, discernable, but as if far away.

Left last evening with the night sky just beginning to come...late dusk, when the sun has it's last impact on water--that final glistening effect where the water mirrors the exact color of the sky a yellow with slight red. Arrived this morning just prior to the sun rising above the hills...somewhat like a Monet painting.

Strange days.

Swimming under the stars

Last week, this week, next week...very busy. I dont think I have really seen Steve for more than an hour here or there. We agreed last evening to meet at home around 1:00am and go swimming. Float under the stars and relax. He was working on updates for Tokyo, I am working on matrices related to processes. Both in crunch time...both driven to some internal goal which I don't have an explicit understanding of other than, "do it well", whatever that "it" is.

The pool was 95 degrees, the night air 65, and the sky--the stars incredibly clear. I think we floated about for a half hour. Shared some conscious quiet time which has been rare these days...our longest exchange in the last week has been about Financial Aid forms for Jefferson. But the pool...the floating on your back, ears submerged--you can hear your heart beat and the sound of your breathe...the inhale and exhale...very quiet...very alive...and all under a myriad of stars...was a very Gattaca-esque moment.

Welcome to the little joys of my life.

Onward and upward with the occasional pauses, with moments of looking back.

u r <> my means

I know not if this earth on which I stand is the core of the universe or if it is but a speck of dust lost in eternity. I know not and I care not. For I know what happiness is possible to me on earth. And my happiness needs no higher aim to vindicate it. My happiness is not the means to any end. It is the end. It is its own goal. It is its own purpose. (Rand 1946, 95)

Long week

Very long week...long days...been home to sleep...but enjoying the challenge...project seems to be on target, but major crunch time next week. Have not run all week--err...and Zion is in less than two weeks. Hopefully this weekend I will find the time.

Incredibly sore

Aches and pains...but well worth it.

Packing

Hung out with Eye at Annie's lastnight. Was a good time...seeing her in her element, her true family of friends...people who know her at the core and love her for exactly who she is. She sang "Whisper to a Scream" by Icicle Works--one of my favorite songs from the early 80s. Thank you, thank you.

Heading to Sunol Regional Wilderness when we wake-up. Going to backpack in 12 miles, stay the night and then back out. Thinking of heading to Big Sur next weekend and doing a long long hike. Something I wanted to achieve this weekend...but carrying a pack 12 miles is also on the list prior to Zion.

The Thinker by Berton Brayley

Back of the beating hammer
By which the steel is wrought,
Back of the workshop's clamor
The seeker may find the Thought,
The Thought that is ever master
Of iron and steam and steel,
That rises above disaster
And tramples it under heel!

The drudge may fret and tinker
Or labor with lusty blows,
But back of him stands the Thinker,
The clear-eyed man who knows;
For into each plow or saber,
Each piece and part and whole,
Must go the Brains of Labor,
Which gives the work a soul!

Back of the motors humming
Back of the belts that sing,
Back of the hammers drumming.
Back of the cranes that swing,
There is the eye which scans them
Watching through stress and strain
There is the Mind which plans them-
Back of the brawn, the Brain!

Might of the roaring boiler,
Force of the engine's thrust,
Strength of the sweating toiler-
Greatly in these we trust.
But back of them stands the Schemer,
The Thinker who drives things through;
Back of the Job-the Dreamer
Who's making the dream come true!

Fellow travelers

if you strip away the labels, isms and meta tags, what are you left with?

or, more to the point, what I am left with? am I strong and free

enough as an individual to survive the loss of all those

crutches and carve out a life of joy and reason

and meaning? can I use my powers of

thought and choice and action

and feeling to seek and

find my own way?

the Greeks said

know thyself.

I know

me.

I know

it is only

my own efforts

that will produce a

life of eudaimonia for

myself and bring joy to those

who are dear to me, that will enable me

to create the kinds of thoughts and words and

music that fire the mind and inspire the soul; to find ever

greater wisdom through reflection on work, love, art, ideas, family,

and friendship; and to realize my vision of a philosophy for living on earth.

http://www.saint-andre.com

Cool advert

I remember part of the commercial...ty Jae

http://www.killsometime.com/humor/humor.asp?humor=HondaAD

Returning

Jefferson returned from the Bahamas. Said it was totally enjoyable, but EC people are "squares". Uhm. Ok. Conversation sort of went from jet skis to behaviors of people and one's expectations of others. Finalized the convo with, "Hope you don't approach people at college with an expectation that they be just as everyone is in Fremont." And he gave me one of those looks that said, "I'm 17, not 12." lol. Hmm.

He heads out today to Tuscon for orientation. Spent some time going through the online information, seleceted classes and said, "I am taking classes in things that I am actually interested in...usual classes, but then those gen. ed. classes actually seem ok." He expanded on this saying he was interested in the "social economic thing"...which I think stems from seeing the level of poverty in the Bahamas...that there are far worse situations to be living in...that 'surviving' comes in different forms, but 'thriving' is rare.

Hiked Mission Peak lastnight and did a couple miles during lunch. Enjoyable, straining, but good to be outdoors.

Work continues. Lots to do. Finishing up one project, midstream on another, and getting to the core of another high impact one. We started a new unified effort on a specific area of the company. Visibility, customer impact and a need to correct...all good components, and with the blessings of our CEO--or directive. Lots o' pressure...but a welcome challenge.

Fading

shades of grey
simply merging
black and white

. . .

Papago Park

Wandered around for a couple of hours in Papago Park. Not terribly difficult, but hot. There were a few runners which I found impressive...adaptability, adjusting to the environment and optimizing the experience.

Last day of training. Completing the course today. By September 1 (or maybe 2nd) I should have the certificate in hand. One completed project down, another on the verge in July. And then onto different and more challenging 'things'.

Sunsets

Bright red orb on the horizon...one of the most amazing sunsets I have seen to date. A few hours later pelting rain, lightening and thunder. I was tempted to go walking. Warm rain...hot rain....

Reviewed the deck yesterday and Mike seems very pleased with what has been completed. We reviewed the Risk Model as the second qualifying project...not a true DMAIC as the measure is qualitative in general, but he can see from the analysis the questions have been interpretted and therefore not commensurate across all records. Specific populations will not move based on services provided, but for those in Tier II, which is where we see the impact of these questions...fix is going into place. Unknown if this is the second write-up, although I am on the verge of rewriting the model and implementation in July. The other project, and perhaps a component of this...replica data from the dw environments - dev/qa retention and utlization. This specific piece can be written up to qualify. The save from this portion of the PhaseII is upward of 1.4MM. PhaseII actually hits strategy in place of the purely tactical. At the end of all of this, I think there will be approximately 5MM in save...half our department goal which would put us in a great space for the merger.

Incredibly tired. Find my mind wandering, unable to read, unable to process the information. The shape of the letters yes, but it's just a visual...ends there.

I found a club that meets on weekends and they climb trees. Wonderful. That's amazing. Like blowing bubbles and openning a new box of crayola crayons...when one took nothing for granted but was absorbed in how brilliant those shiney new crayons were.

This is life...step outside the self-imposed boundaries....

Seeing through it--

Hey...keep yer mind focused on that peace you find in your faith. Keep it close to your heart.

I'll send a stream of hugs and kisses toward EC in a few hours...but you better intercept them from the air because they are not meant for people somewhere in Europe...ok?!?! My buddy Jae in Canada always ensures that the ones I sent her way don't reach the North Pole (altho, I think there are probably benefits to Santa receiving random kisses...but wont go there...hehe).

Journey onward...journey onward Eye.

Really proud of you Jae

And this is the life you have chosen. Independent with regard to what is true at the core. If you think back over the last eight months, are you amazed? In awe? Wondering how it all came to be? You did it. On your own. With your choices. Followed through. Living life.

Soak it up!

l'chaim

I can see the Canadian sun blinding the Arizona one! giggle.

Cholla Vista Trail Echo Canyon/Camelback Mountain

First trail in Phoenix...steep, enjoyable, and very different from California. Incredibly hot....in the car I passed one of those signs that lists the temperature, it read 110. Not sure it was accurate, but I am certain that I have never hiked in such heat. Good practice for Zion, where the expected norm is 95-100.

Phoenix

Last week of training. Finished the Process Capability analysis for utilization...forty-five minutes of misunderstanding a Minitab error message, adjusting the parameters, going through all of the options...and realized the issue was in the zero--no "0" values allowed. BUT, in the end, the chart proves the point...and onto the next steps.

Looking forward to this week. Improve/Control...the areas we are weakest in and are required to get very good at in the near future. If there is a complaint about where we are in the infrastructure, it is in that we have been predominantly respoonsible for DMA only, execution is left to the business owner. Terribly frustrating...execution is the most difficult step and implementations falter when they are devoid of the their basis for change, "Do or else" is handed down without a cohesive understanding as to what validates the mods. Look forward to the technical and softside of this specific area...but getting it from one's head to a fully integrated state and illustrated in action--that will be the mark of this training.

Steve is in Tokyo. Jefferson goes to the Bahamas tomorrow. It is Cathy's birthday today. And Freddie is hanging with Erik all week.

Happy Birthday girlie!

Star Wars

We caught the 11:55pm Star Wars showing...perfect seating as there were about only ten people there. "What did you think?" And I'm not sure. Star Wars is the type of movie that could be so deeply philosophical, and yet it is still written for the twelve year old. I try to keep that in mind...the underlying theme still ever present, but still have that sense of disappointment of an opportunity lost. Special effects were great, bringing it all together--well done, but overall not tremendous. But Yoda, his one liners...a little Shambhala...something of, "Fear of loss leads you to the dark side." Very true.

Graduation

I watched my son graduate yesterday. He was stoked, insanely happy and was shouting it out to the world. The grin from ear to ear, the sheer joy in his being, the "I did it--and I finished well." Exalt!

"Thank you" comes rarely and not often. That gratitude or recognition for a job well done and in a genuine voice, for Steve and I it is rare to hear. We often hear the opposite, that over bearing sense of, "Not as I would have" tone and demeanor. And the fact of the matter is, "No, 99.999999% of you would not." They would not have chosen the path we did, or made the effort we have, or continued to believe that they could sacrifice almost all of their dreams and in the end have something beyond wonderful.

But a "thank you" came yesterday. At graduation, one of Jefferson's teachers spoke. And this teacher spoke for about 10 minutes, some of her last words will stay with us. "...turn and look at your parents--and Jefferson this especially means you, and tell them thank you." Steve and I looked at each other...there is only one Jefferson in the graduating class, this is a teacher that adored him...it brought tears to your eyes.

You think you do not **need** to hear those words...but sometimes you do. And to come from someone who has observed from a distance, they mean even more--objective evaluation not colored by knowing Steve or I personally.

It's been a good week.

Grades

We met with Freddie's teachers today. He finished with with a 3.4 gpa...a huge improvement over the previous year. His test scores were even more impressive, raised by 25 basis points and he was tested as an 8th grader...so I imagine if he was tested at grade level, then the improvement would be even more dramatic. And this is all important, but most striking was that all of his teachers stated that he has learnt this year. He knows the material, he has exhibited leadership skills, he is internally motivated, he wants to do well ineverything he participates in. This is what we hoped for, this is where we wanted him focussed. To not be wrapped up in external expectations from friends and parents, but to have the drive from within to be who he is at his best.

I am very proud of him, beyond words.

Steve said, "We made a good decision--putting him here was a good decision." And for the first time I think since enrollment, I felt like I could breathe. I smiled at Steve, hesitant, but smiled. You wonder how it will all turn out, you wonder and second guess and struggle to be resolved with what you **think**...but the breathing again, it comes when you **know**.

Steve's eyes said it all, there was resolve there, peace and a sense that Freddie is on the right track personally, academically and athletically.

Ed Levin to Mission Peak

I did the reverse hike. Much more difficult. Steeper and longer sections. Shaved an hour off the time...avoided getting lost...lol and walked a bit quicker. I am thinking maybe the next hike will be in another location. Maybe Santa Cruz and just focus on distance. I can do 11 miles easily with steep climbs, a hilly hike shouldnt be too bad up to about 17 miles. Need to find one.

Our pool is at 88 degrees...woderful! Freddie, Erik and Steve were in there at 11:00pm on Saturday night splashing around. Look forward to the midnight swims, floating about and watching the stars.

Everything is ending this week. Freddie gets his grade report, Jefferson graduates, I am prepping for the last week of training, Steve had the alpha release of his product. And with the ending comes the summer mayhem.

I welcome it. I look forward to it. Journey onward.

Dear Jefferson

My son Jefferson asked that I help him complete an assignment...receive a letter from someone who has known you over the last four years of high school.....

6/7/2005

Dear Jefferson,

Pauses along the way…
I think this resembles all stopping points, all pauses if you will in one’s life. Where you sort of find yourself looking about…taking it all in…relishing life’s beauty in some instances and at others wandering aimlessly. Joy is one’s fuel…life is balance, journey onward.

Year 1: In the moment going with the flow
The first year of high school, you seemed to focus on being fashionable, integrating other’s values, trying on different facets of personalities that seemed somewhat foreign to your previous experience. You sort of carried a silent motto that if it could be detected in your actions was, “Life owes me…how do I get paid.” Much of your time was occupied on the phone, on chat, on friends, on passing the moment away. The goal was here and now, the immediacy of the pay back rather than the long term…life.

Year 2: Everyone’s expectations are killing me
The second year was compare contrast. You seemed to carry with you rationalizations that would allow for you to get by, to limit the experience of living, to insulate you into some predefined existence that must have appeared safe to you. Your guiding principle to the outside…to the parent at a distance…was fear. Fear of growing, fear of becoming, fear of independence. Limiting, but normal states of mind at this age. Your actions became short sighted, your thoughts contorted to fit some idea of what life should be in the moment and a want to exert control on everything and everyone—to make things conform to the world as it ought to be according to Jefferson. And although this is similar to your freshman year, the difference is you were a year older—and you knew better. You knew that machinations, the mind games that you were playing on yourself, but to admit that explicitly, that was the difficulty. To acknowledge all these things that we all feel—recognizing they are universal, applicable to all, that was the thing that wasn’t quite clear. This was perhaps the hardest year…a year where all the insecurities, doubts and anger surfaced in unison. A year I think to an extent you spent in isolation, at the perimeter, a year spent taking inventory and wanting to make up for something that you felt you had lost.

Year 3: Proving all y’all wrong
Turning the corner and piercing the surface. Where the previous years external expectations became a driver made real by a trip to the East Coast. I could call this year, “The year of snapping out of it…”, but I think it is the year that you proved who Jefferson Eberhardt is and will be. The year that you defined success for yourself, that you decided that you had this life—that it’s precious and that time is short. That becoming a man meant more than what the surface texture showed to the world—that to be, is to be your full person, from the look in one’s eyes to the very core of what defines you. Introspection became your friend, being internally motivated became a way of being, seeing opportunities, making an effort, wanting the positive became your secure base. This is the year that you began to see you. This is the year that the reflection in the mirror held an embrace, a smile, a sense of joy in being. You proved the best within.

Year 4: Pay it forward, honor yourself in action
And this past year, a year like no other…recognition that everything changes and evolves…that there is this natural tendency to grow in some direction and better to choose that direction than to fall into one. Introspection became primary to you, a mode of being, a sense of wanting to see things as they are and learning from them. You have come to understand the difference between things being what they are, and the evaluation you impose on them. What is a thing in and of itself vs. what do I think of this and how does it fit into my life. This is key Jefferson--pivotal, it is an explicit point in one’s life where you understand what true control is in life—the choice in how one reacts to their circumstances. I have seen you look to your core, to stand in front of the mirror of yourself and see your reflection not in black & white as you once did, but in technicolor--vibrant, alive, living and striving to reach your goals and make those dreams a reality. I have seen you honor others, and yourself in a manner that lends such grace to the experience, that people are changed—their eyes a little wider, their sense of benevolence reinforced. From Craig to Becca (and all the crazy characters that lie in between those two extremes), to friends who will now see you off to college, who are proud to have known you and have derived great value from your participating in their life. I have seen this, lived by your side in a somewhat removed silence, but that ‘Amen’, that ability to breathe freely and deeply…the boy who became a young man.

Looking back….
Am I one of the luckiest people on the face of the earth? I think so. You represent the very best that is possible within humanity Jefferson—a realized mode of being—how to be the example of the change that is needed in the world. Journey onward…journey onward and be that beacon that re-affirms what life can be when one chooses to strive toward the best within. “Can I go swimming with you guys?” And that smile on your face—that sunshine that radiated from you…and how much we fell in love with that nine year old little boy.


"So we listen to these voices, to these people who have survived. They speak of many things, in simple and profound ways. Like children finding shells on the beach, they appear to rush upon us without artifice. They look at life with the defenseless eyes of the innocent. They seem to move, to turn with special grace even when disfigured by their ordeal. They laugh and smile in a manner that must be familiar to angels. They are different now, and they can never go home again—not to lives once lived. The effect varies, of course. With some people, it is less visible than with others. Yet all of them, in one way or another, have merged into a new existence with a greater openness to the totality of life. For some, it is too much to describe in words. They fall silent, unable to explain it. Others will take your hand or touch your arm while speaking—a physical linkage practiced most often by saints and sinners who know that words alone can never explain or harness the human spirit. Regardless of any religious belief, they have experienced a last supper, a personal agape, a shared awareness that the loving substance of their mortal existence is destined to pass to others. In effect, they can never rise again from the table of their naked selves. And they continue to experience it. They are like all other people—only more so.” We the Victors



Well done Jefferson, well done. All my love and support always…even in it’s eerie silent form…remain a hopeful monster!

xo,
Zane

Weekend

Saturday...10 mile hike up Mission Peak ending at Ed Levin Park...spent 50 minutes lost...met lots of cows and ground squirrels and relished the experience...

Next weekend, Mission Peak to Sunol and back...somewhere around 13 miles...

Started studying the ASQ books...slowly but surely...

Walked the lake lastnight...incredible amount of bugs, swarms, kinda gross, but kept my focus...need a new place to walk far from water until they spray....

Steve went to surf school and ate it up. Jefferson was up until 4:00am working on his Business Merchandise final project and Freddie for some reason made his lunch this morning...I scoped out what he packed...same sandwich with jalapenos added, same fruit, same juice drinks BUT an entire box of cookies...lol...still a little boy. Life is good, journey onward.

"Wear your love like heaven..."

Random

"Standing at the edge of everything..."

5.25mile hike around Mission Peak last evening, watched the sunset and felt the temps drop...Cathy and I are going to walk the lake tonight and then tomorrow I will hike from the Mission Peak to Ed Levin park trail. Rack up some miles, prep for the long hike with a pack on.

Picking out additional trails to hike at Zion.

Reading through Trail Runners magazine...learning to run downhill with Steve's assistance, "let loose, let loose, let loose and go!"...keep telling myself to wave the arms...not sure when I was young I ever ran downhills...but the experience makes you grin ear to ear.

Jefferson: Graduation, Bahamas, UofAz orientation, prepping mentally for college... Frederick: Basketball, basketball, friends... Steve: Soccer tonight, surfing on Sunday, Saturday...Star Wars, swimming, biking, running...

Academic Awards

Just returned from the Senior Awards ceremony. Jefferson won two awards. The first award was a scholarship in relation to overcoming adversity--a sense of exuberance in living, the Kefi Award. The second award was in relation to his senior thesis that covered Child Abuse and his efforts in his volunteer hours, presentations and passion for the subject.

Two summers ago, we introduced and gave Jefferson a tour of Fishburne Military School and Hargrave Military Academy due to his lack of commitment to his looking within and finding the discipline to live up to his potential. He asked for one more chance at home. The awards he has received tonight and his four semesters on the Honor Roll are incredible achievements for a boy who once upon a time planned to drop out of high school because it was "too hard".

Well done Jefferson. Well done.

Mission Peak

Did the off-shoot loop. Slow pace, blistered foot. But still smiling. Some things to work on...when going downhill. Uphills are getting easier...slow the pace and it goes ok. Excited about Zion. Keep looking at the pics...two of the places we are going to see:

http://www.zionnational-park.com/images/albums/index17.htm

http://www.zionnational-park.com/images/albums/index1.htm

The "slots", hopefully the water levels are low enough that we aren't battling to hard against running water.

Practice hikes

Steve and I hiked part of the Mission Peak trail. A steep off-shoot from the main path. This is preparation for Zion and the intended 10mile a day hikes. Starting out slowly, and eventually will be hiking with a pack on to adjust to the weight and pace.

Basketball game was a blowout. They won by 60.

Pleasanton Ridge

Walked along the Ridge Trail...via the Woodland Trail. Very enjoyable. Quiet. With the exception of seeing a snake...eek...I stopped and watched it for a while...let him pass...was seriously not enjoying the site of a snake...but beyond that, good hike.

Freddie had an awesome set of games. Totally focussed, incredible shots, drives, boards...seems to have turned the intensity corner.

Jefferson is receiving an honors award from school...we just received the mailer. He doesn't know what the award is but was grinning ear to ear...totally cheesing.

Canyons

Slots...just reviewed pics taken at Zion National Park...incredible. The trip in July should be awesome....

Work is coming to a standstill...two comments haunt me, have kept me over focussed on thoughts rather than action, "I don't want to coach...I choose my brother on the floor." Errr. Looking forward to a change in managers...someone who hears the words--grasps the meaning, sees value in things for what they are.

Can't sleep

Mind wandering...strange to be home...the nights warm...the cats lurking about outside...

Tempted to go walking. Find a hill to climb, get closer to the stars.

Work haunts me. Myriad of thoughts. Reprocessing of conversations.

Against the Odds

Just received a mail from a former workmate. His mail contained an update from a previous manager. For years Joe had talked about having children. And we just received the update, that he and his partner happily adopted two boys in early May. Congrats Joe!! Congrats.

No H20

Incredible sites. A long two weeks. Phoenix to Alburqurque to Amarillo to Oklahoma City to Little Rock to Memphis...to Dyersburg...back toward Texas, Dallas...to Canyon de Chelly, to the Navajo Mounment, through the Painted Desert...to Phoenix...ending in the Grand Canyon, a hike, a view, a quietude that I've not experienced in a long time.

Back to the mainstream.
To life as it is 99% of the time.

The question is: How does one integrate that 1% fluidly with the rest...allowing the 1% to expand into 3%...10%...eventually an ever present .5% of each 1%?

http://www.followyoursoul.com

From: http://www.followyoursoul.com/ {found this link on http://txpost.blogspot.com/}

All that you need, all that you want already exists within you. It does not come to you from out there, from other people, circumstances or events.

When you seek good to come to you from without, you are seeking an effect, not the cause. Your good does not come to you, your good comes from you. Our outer experience is merely the externalization of our inner experience. There is nothing out there to come to you, there is only in here to flow out.

An apple tree does not seek for other people to come and stick apples onto it. It simply blossoms from within itself; it opens out and releases an abundance of apples.
Blossom from within yourself, open out and release your abundance.

Hillel

If I am not for me, who is?

If I am only for me, what am I?

If not now, when?

- Hillel

Just a few more days

to familiar sites...and laughter...the sound of their voices...and boys singing rap...and hugs from Cathy....and kisses from steve...and life as i know it in all its wonderful craziness....

Dare You to Move - Switchfoot

"Welcome to the planet...Welcome to existance...Everyones here,everyones here...Everybodys watching you now...Everybody waits for you now...What happens next? What happens next?...I dare you to move,...I dare you to move,...I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor,...I dare you to move,... I dare you to move...Like today never happened, today never happened before...

Welcome to the fall out,...Welcome to resistance,...Redemption is here, redemption is here,...Between who you are and who you could be,...Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move..."

This Is Your Life by Switchfoot

"yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes

this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose

yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over

this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would bewhen the world was younger and you had everything to lose

don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes

this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would bewhen the world was younger and you had everything to lose
and you had everything to lose"

Thoughts in Texas

It's been a long long week. Arriving late Sunday evening already sleep deprived...realizing as each day passed that sleep--real sleep is not possible on the road...and finding vegetarian food in Texas is a joke...with the exception of 7-11 bean and cheese burritos--but one can only take so much of that...protein shakes and milk--sustenance....

Audits, systems meetings, forecasting and process mapping. Today will be spent on presentations, listing the findings, proposing solutions or at a minimum recommended actions. I have meetings scheduled through 7:30pm Texas time...and then back on the road.

I am going to head to Navajo country in New Mexico and Arizona...a place I missed on my drive across the States last sumer. The painted desert and the red rocks--something that would be new to me...something I regret not having made the time to do.

Congrats to Sheka at ASU...she graduates with her Masters today. Can't imagine the sense of accomplishment...but it is probably wonderful.

Texas boys like to wink...maybe it's the badge that says "California" or the greeting of, "How's life going", maybe it is just something I have forgotten about the South...a sort of ease in being...in sharing space...because there is so much open country. Unknown.

Had an interesting conversation with my boss...religion...he is a devout Christian. A true believer...but not dogmatic...was interesting. But at the end of the conversation he said, "If I have to choose between you and helping my Christian brother--I have to help my Christian brother first as the Bible says." Yep...and I responded, "That's the difference between you and I...my world takes you as you are, yours excludes." We laughed, but I am not certain what the consequences will be. Guess that's the way of most groups, cultures, people--that mentality, "mine first" and then humanity. hmmm. Interestingly enough, he gave me, "How to Win Friendss and Influence People". Which makes me giggle because the most profound lesson one learns--and perhaps one that takes them furthest is the ability to resonate with another...to make a person feel accepted as they are. Or maybe this is his lesson...acceptance with conditions or indifference. More about this as time goes on.

I miss my family, my kids, my husband and Cathy. I miss coming home and laughing and saying, "Hey gurlie" to my buddy. I miss picking up lil Freddie from school...exchanging how our day was...his changing the radio station--and when he hears that song that he loves (whichever one in the moment) he raises his hand and bops his head just a little and sings along. And I think about Jefferson...and that time is fleeting...and that he has such a big heart and wants to make a positive change in this world...that he one this teenage battle--and is proud that he came through victorious...and that he is on his way to living his life, in his way...I miss him coming into our room and sitting on the bed...I miss his silly way of being resting his chin on his hand...and then he looks at you with that grin and nods his head...and departs as if only to communicate--I was here--you were here. And I miss Steve...and his crazy unfocussedness...a whirlwind of energy even though he smashed my car into anothers yesterday (it's just a car boy wonder--as long as the humans involved are ok...hehe, be with the lesson...oop!)...I miss his "Hi Honey" and the bright eyed wonder...and the touch of his hand caressing my face.

Another nine days to go. On with the journey.

Formula for Becoming Grateful

"Here is a one-sentence formula for becoming a grateful person: Think, speak, and act like a grateful person does.

There is no mystery on how to become a person with the attribute of gratitude. Think gratefully. Speak gratefully. And act gratefully. When you consistently do these three things, you are consistently grateful. And even before you are consistent with this pattern, every little bit of thinking, speaking, and acting this way makes you more grateful than if you wouldn’t have thought, spoken, or acted this way." Rabbi Zelig

Invisible...audits...sleep

Just completed an audit of thousands of DLT tapes. Six hours or dirt and dust and machine hums and sneezes and bad lighting. But the Open Media population has been completed for Texas...now Tracy, Sacramento and New Hampshire to go. I will be back tomorrow to go through containers...eek...old stuff...much of which cannot be used. DESTROY, DESTROY, DESTROY.

I think this lack of sleep has caught up with me. I have a number of flows to do and no motivation to complete them. They are not difficult--will have a huge impact and are very much needed...but a part of me is almost indifferent...no not indifferent...just ridiculously lethargic in taking anykind of action. {shaking my head as it occurs to me what I am typing...and the contradiction as I work away on this blog}

Remaining invisible...the light is too bright these days.

Sad conversations

Had a conversation with a friend...totally worried...and there is little I can do. Wonder if people can see where they are headed...their actions and thoughts being misaligned. Makes me wonder. And what will the consequences be in a few weeks time? What pains will their heart cry, and their mind scream out?

And will it be enough to shake them out of it?
Will it be enough to rattle their core...and break free?

Habitual cycles.
Lack of thinking.
Escapism.
Pretending or hoping it will all be "Ok".

Wish you luck my friend...wish you luck.

The thoughts you think...

From: THANK YOU! Gratitude: Formulas, Stories, and Insights by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin

The thoughts you think create your feelings and emotions. The thoughts you think are the key factor in what you say and do. The entire quality of your life is totally dependent on the thoughts you choose to think. Choose thoughts of gratitude. You will be tremendously grateful that you did.

Happy Mothers Day

Although the song, "Because You Loved Me", in it's pure context is in relation to lovers, I have heard numerous friends and strangers say how appropriate they felt this to be in applying it to parents. I know that this is true for me as well and it is a song that I associate with my mother, Lambda.

Happy Mothers Day Lamb!


Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you


You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you


I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

1550 miles in 24hrs

So that is the record...1550 miles in 24hrs. Caught 1.5hrs of sleep somewhere in New Mexico and then another .5hrs in Arkansas...Phoenix to Dybersburg, TN.

Stray rocks...definitely worth the trip...and her cat is awesome too!

Off to Dallas later this afternoon....

Airport thoughts

==========================================
I watch the letters one by one populate space on the screen. Nonsense or no sense? Is there a difference?
==========================================
You imagine yourself alone

"Privacy"

Imagining the world cannot see you

It can.

And it does.

It sees right through you.
==========================================
She walks head toward the departure screen
Another plods forward, head at the ground.
A tarmac uniformed bopping his head
The couple smiling on their way to Vegas.
==========================================
What is it about white tennis shoes, blue jeans, and a navy jacket? Something amiss. As if half dressed. As if...casual isnt really casual...that is a crime.
==========================================
Vegas attire. Varied. Contained. Fits like skin. And make-up that causes one to wonder about professions...and then the thought: "Vegas baby". There is room for allowance. There is this space from one's home to the plane, through a flight, to the Strip...until the time of returning where anything goes. I wonder, is it genuine or real? If you could dress this way daily--would you? Or are you dressing for a part? And who's rules do you live by if you dress for a place?==========================================

Waiting for my flight...random...what will the next couple of weeks be like...wondering.