Thank you for the conversation....
Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths. - Walt Disney
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Emerson
Somewhere I Have Never Travelled
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously)her first rose
or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously)her first rose
or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
little zane story
let me remind you of some stories. 7 years old and you took apart the telephone.
your brother asked you why you did it.
you said, "to see how it works."
he said, "it doesn't work that way stupid. it works on invisible stuff."
you said, "that's why i took apart--to see the invisible stuff."
he said, "it's still invisible."
you said, "i'm closer though."
he said, "you're so dumb."
I'm still looking for the invisible stuff.
your brother asked you why you did it.
you said, "to see how it works."
he said, "it doesn't work that way stupid. it works on invisible stuff."
you said, "that's why i took apart--to see the invisible stuff."
he said, "it's still invisible."
you said, "i'm closer though."
he said, "you're so dumb."
I'm still looking for the invisible stuff.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Santa
"Mars will be unusually bright this Christmas Eve and the moon will be shining full — a development that might make Santa Claus rethink his need for Rudolph's red nose."
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
upward, outward, onward
I have been very fortunate, as ever, to be amongst some minds that want to see the tree grow, the vine cling upward, the blossom come to full bloom.
Monday, December 22, 2008
shallow
"what are you thinking?"
shake my head right to left
"what deep thoughts?"
"i have no deep thoughts"
laughter
"only shallow thoughts? like, should you part your hair to the left or to the right?"
giggling
shake my head right to left
"what deep thoughts?"
"i have no deep thoughts"
laughter
"only shallow thoughts? like, should you part your hair to the left or to the right?"
giggling
Thursday, December 18, 2008
tick-tock
"I believe that every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises." Neil Armstrong
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
written on the back of ones hand
“We are guilty of many errors and many faults but our worst crime is abandoning the children, neglecting the fountain of life. Many of the things we need can wait. The child cannot. Right now is the time his bones are being formed, his blood is being made, and his senses are being developed. To him we cannot answer 'Tomorrow.' His name is 'Today.'”
...if this was written on the back of the parents, the teachers, the strangers hand...if this was ever present...what kind of world would it be when we called for 'Today'?
...if this was written on the back of the parents, the teachers, the strangers hand...if this was ever present...what kind of world would it be when we called for 'Today'?
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
end of a journey
some
you can't imagine a quit
you believe
it's not possible
you believe
in a false premise
and it says more about oneself
than any other
that one is still fighting
an enemy lurking
an enemy perceived to be separate
a thing which is not part of one's whole
ever fighting
no peace
no resolve
ever battling...
until maybe it is enough
enough
some
in one's understanding don't know the word 'enough'
some
in one's being ripped that page out of the dictionary
some
prove you wrong, teach you the lesson, show you peace
you can't imagine a quit
you believe
it's not possible
you believe
in a false premise
and it says more about oneself
than any other
that one is still fighting
an enemy lurking
an enemy perceived to be separate
a thing which is not part of one's whole
ever fighting
no peace
no resolve
ever battling...
until maybe it is enough
enough
some
in one's understanding don't know the word 'enough'
some
in one's being ripped that page out of the dictionary
some
prove you wrong, teach you the lesson, show you peace
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
marcus
waking to aurelius
"...for what kind of reasons do they love and honor?"
the words hang perfectly still in the air
as if they can be traced in the darkness
"...for what kind of reasons do they love and honor?"
where are the minds who wake from such dreams?
who ache for the answers...who quietly wait?
"...for what kind of reasons do they love and honor?"
breathing aurelius
in love and in honor
"...for what kind of reasons do they love and honor?"
the words hang perfectly still in the air
as if they can be traced in the darkness
"...for what kind of reasons do they love and honor?"
where are the minds who wake from such dreams?
who ache for the answers...who quietly wait?
"...for what kind of reasons do they love and honor?"
breathing aurelius
in love and in honor
Monday, December 08, 2008
islands
i asked, "why does it rain so here?"
she said, "it's an isle of people incapable of crying."
there was a much more rational explanation.
but it took me years to discover.
she said, "it's an isle of people incapable of crying."
there was a much more rational explanation.
but it took me years to discover.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Phantom Tollbooth
"Time is a gift, given to you, given to give you the time you need, the time you need to have the time of your life."
"The Mathemagician nodded knowingly and stroked his chin several times. “You’ll find,” he remarked gently, “that the only thing you can do easily is be wrong, and that’s hardly worth the effort.”
"... for one of the nicest things about mathematics, or anything else you might care to learn, is that many of the things which can never be, often are. You see it's very much like your trying to reach Infinity. You know that it's there, but you just don't know where-but just because you can never reach it doesn't mean that it's not worth looking for. "
“But as you know, the most important reason for going from one place to another is to see what's in between.”
"Expectations is the place you must always go to before you get to where you're going. Of course, some people never go beyond Expectations, but my job is to hurry them along whether they like it or not."
"And remember, also," added the Princess of Sweet Rhyme, "that many places you would like to see are just off the map and many things you want to know are just out of sight or a little beyond your reach. But someday you'll reach them all, for what you learn today, for no reason at all, will help you discover all the wonderful secrets of tomorrow."
"But it's not just learning things that's important. It's learning what to do with what you learn and learning why you learn things at all that matters."
"You must never feel badly about making mistakes," explained Reason quietly, "as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons."
~~~
"henceforth,
and forthwith,
let it be known by all men
that rhyme and reason
reign once more in wisdom."
...
"As the cheering continue, Rhyme leaned forward and touched Milo gently on the arm.
"They're shouting for you,'" she said with a smile.
"But I could never have done it," he objected, "without everyone's help."
"That may be true,' said Reason gravely, "but you had the courage to try; and what you can do is often simply a matter of what you will do."
"That's why," said Azaz, "there was one very important thing about our quest that we couldn't discuss until you returned.:
"I remember," said Milo eagerly. "Tell me now."
"It was impossible," said the king, looking at the Mathemagician."
"Completely impossible," said the Mathemagician, looking at the king.
...
And for the remainder of the ride Milo didn't utter a sound.
Finally, when they'd reached a broad, flat plain midway between Dictionapolis and Digitopolis, somewhat to the right of the Valley of Sound and a little to the left of the Forest of Sight, the long line of carriages and horsemen stopped, and the great carnival began. ...Alec Bings set up an enormous telescope and invited everyone to see the other side of the moon. ...King Azaz and the Mathemagician pledged that every year at this same time they would lead their armies to the mountains of Ignorance until not one demon remained, and everyone agreed that no finer carnival for no finer reason had ever been held in Wisdom.
...
And yet, even as he thought of all these things, he noticed somehow that the sky was a lovely shade of blue and that one cloud had the shape of a sailing ship. The tips of the trees held pale, young buds and the leaves were a rich deep green. Outside the window, there was so much to see, and hear, and touch--walks to take, hills to climb, caterpillars to watch as they strolled through the garden. There were voices to hear and conversations to listen to in wonder, and the special smell of each day.
And, in the very room in which he sat, there were books that could take you anywhere, and things to invent, and make, and build, and break, and all the puzzle and excitement of everything he didn't know--music to play, songs to sing, and worlds to imagine and then someday make real. His thoughts darted eagerly about as everything looked new--and worth trying."
"The Mathemagician nodded knowingly and stroked his chin several times. “You’ll find,” he remarked gently, “that the only thing you can do easily is be wrong, and that’s hardly worth the effort.”
"... for one of the nicest things about mathematics, or anything else you might care to learn, is that many of the things which can never be, often are. You see it's very much like your trying to reach Infinity. You know that it's there, but you just don't know where-but just because you can never reach it doesn't mean that it's not worth looking for. "
“But as you know, the most important reason for going from one place to another is to see what's in between.”
"Expectations is the place you must always go to before you get to where you're going. Of course, some people never go beyond Expectations, but my job is to hurry them along whether they like it or not."
"And remember, also," added the Princess of Sweet Rhyme, "that many places you would like to see are just off the map and many things you want to know are just out of sight or a little beyond your reach. But someday you'll reach them all, for what you learn today, for no reason at all, will help you discover all the wonderful secrets of tomorrow."
"But it's not just learning things that's important. It's learning what to do with what you learn and learning why you learn things at all that matters."
"You must never feel badly about making mistakes," explained Reason quietly, "as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons."
~~~
"henceforth,
and forthwith,
let it be known by all men
that rhyme and reason
reign once more in wisdom."
...
"As the cheering continue, Rhyme leaned forward and touched Milo gently on the arm.
"They're shouting for you,'" she said with a smile.
"But I could never have done it," he objected, "without everyone's help."
"That may be true,' said Reason gravely, "but you had the courage to try; and what you can do is often simply a matter of what you will do."
"That's why," said Azaz, "there was one very important thing about our quest that we couldn't discuss until you returned.:
"I remember," said Milo eagerly. "Tell me now."
"It was impossible," said the king, looking at the Mathemagician."
"Completely impossible," said the Mathemagician, looking at the king.
...
And for the remainder of the ride Milo didn't utter a sound.
Finally, when they'd reached a broad, flat plain midway between Dictionapolis and Digitopolis, somewhat to the right of the Valley of Sound and a little to the left of the Forest of Sight, the long line of carriages and horsemen stopped, and the great carnival began. ...Alec Bings set up an enormous telescope and invited everyone to see the other side of the moon. ...King Azaz and the Mathemagician pledged that every year at this same time they would lead their armies to the mountains of Ignorance until not one demon remained, and everyone agreed that no finer carnival for no finer reason had ever been held in Wisdom.
...
And yet, even as he thought of all these things, he noticed somehow that the sky was a lovely shade of blue and that one cloud had the shape of a sailing ship. The tips of the trees held pale, young buds and the leaves were a rich deep green. Outside the window, there was so much to see, and hear, and touch--walks to take, hills to climb, caterpillars to watch as they strolled through the garden. There were voices to hear and conversations to listen to in wonder, and the special smell of each day.
And, in the very room in which he sat, there were books that could take you anywhere, and things to invent, and make, and build, and break, and all the puzzle and excitement of everything he didn't know--music to play, songs to sing, and worlds to imagine and then someday make real. His thoughts darted eagerly about as everything looked new--and worth trying."
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
old truths
"you didn't know?"
"no..."
jefferson goes on.
"up until the day we moved in with you..."
freddie chimes in, "yeah, at least you got to stay over your friends a lot. i was left there. but you're older so you still got it a lot more than i ever did."
jefferson looks far and away, tight lipped, quiet.
they go on for a while...and we listen.
"up until the day we moved in with you..."
steve is still. unnaturally still.
tears streaming down my face.
"up until the day we moved in with you..."
jefferson's face stern, angry...distant.
...
"you know i talked to my father over the summer. i thanked him for leaving us. i got the better end of the deal. like i wouldnt be where i am if he stuck around. when i talked to my sister she told me that he was really hurt by what i said. and i'm like, how you going to turn that around and pin it on me. come on now."
jefferson laughs a laugh of "ridiculous", body in motion, shaking his head.
...
"i'm not a bitter person. like what's the point of that. i have a great life. i got the better end of the deal." jefferson smiles.
freddie pipes in, "yeah...."
....
conversation moves to basketball, college, grades, goals, graduation, next pausing points perhaps a stop or two along the way.
i look at each face.
listen.
"incredibly lucky"
"no..."
jefferson goes on.
"up until the day we moved in with you..."
freddie chimes in, "yeah, at least you got to stay over your friends a lot. i was left there. but you're older so you still got it a lot more than i ever did."
jefferson looks far and away, tight lipped, quiet.
they go on for a while...and we listen.
"up until the day we moved in with you..."
steve is still. unnaturally still.
tears streaming down my face.
"up until the day we moved in with you..."
jefferson's face stern, angry...distant.
...
"you know i talked to my father over the summer. i thanked him for leaving us. i got the better end of the deal. like i wouldnt be where i am if he stuck around. when i talked to my sister she told me that he was really hurt by what i said. and i'm like, how you going to turn that around and pin it on me. come on now."
jefferson laughs a laugh of "ridiculous", body in motion, shaking his head.
...
"i'm not a bitter person. like what's the point of that. i have a great life. i got the better end of the deal." jefferson smiles.
freddie pipes in, "yeah...."
....
conversation moves to basketball, college, grades, goals, graduation, next pausing points perhaps a stop or two along the way.
i look at each face.
listen.
"incredibly lucky"
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
college stories
sitting watching freddie's game. college stories....
"yeah, like someone started that"
laughing
"i mean i know how it got started--because I said my dad (steve) is jewish. but like i said he's not like really jewish, just like born that way. "
laughing harder
"and it's weird, cause like there are all these italian kids from new york that are jewish--like how does that happen?"
seriousness for a minute, "result of the roll into the 80s and dropping the overbearing guilt of being the grandchild of a holocaust survivor..."
we're quiet for a moment, heads nodding.
jefferson begins again, "like everyone's--oh yeah, you dont celebrate christmas--you're jewish. and then i'm like, my grandmother is a baptist sunday school teacher--i celebrate christmas"
i can't stop laughing. I can't imagine jefferson not celebrating xmas...tearing through presents, paper everywhere, an incredibly happy young innocent smile on his face (even at 20...at 40).
"jefferson--your life--always interesting. black jewish kid with white parents"
"yeah, like someone started that"
laughing
"i mean i know how it got started--because I said my dad (steve) is jewish. but like i said he's not like really jewish, just like born that way. "
laughing harder
"and it's weird, cause like there are all these italian kids from new york that are jewish--like how does that happen?"
seriousness for a minute, "result of the roll into the 80s and dropping the overbearing guilt of being the grandchild of a holocaust survivor..."
we're quiet for a moment, heads nodding.
jefferson begins again, "like everyone's--oh yeah, you dont celebrate christmas--you're jewish. and then i'm like, my grandmother is a baptist sunday school teacher--i celebrate christmas"
i can't stop laughing. I can't imagine jefferson not celebrating xmas...tearing through presents, paper everywhere, an incredibly happy young innocent smile on his face (even at 20...at 40).
"jefferson--your life--always interesting. black jewish kid with white parents"
Thursday, November 20, 2008
listening
"...the delicate fluency of silence."
"part of me is made of glass"
"aside from myself, there was no sign of me."
"question marks are my favorite form of punctuation...."
....
i could listen to certain voices for hours.
just sit and listen.
absorbed, still, wanting.
listening.
"part of me is made of glass"
"aside from myself, there was no sign of me."
"question marks are my favorite form of punctuation...."
....
i could listen to certain voices for hours.
just sit and listen.
absorbed, still, wanting.
listening.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Thursday, November 06, 2008
51 degrees, blistering heat
"lunch?"
"nadda. already did a lunch thingy this week."
"quota for talking met? vocal chords hurt? throat parched?"
laughter.
~~
the sun has never felt better
sinking in, soaking it up
"everything", lifehouse
on repeat
half listening, half wandering
~~
"you there?"
"yep."
"it's a phone, zane. you have to speak."
laughter.
"nadda. already did a lunch thingy this week."
"quota for talking met? vocal chords hurt? throat parched?"
laughter.
~~
the sun has never felt better
sinking in, soaking it up
"everything", lifehouse
on repeat
half listening, half wandering
~~
"you there?"
"yep."
"it's a phone, zane. you have to speak."
laughter.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
73 million
unhappy, snarky boy says, "we voted in a black president and everyone hoped that we ended the era of discrimination. our wonderful california voters, with a little help from "god" (according to them), have amended our Constitution to ensure we still have one group to discriminate against."
Monday, November 03, 2008
ballet slippers & doll collections
she would say,
"grace is ever showing delight...even in the somberest of occasions."
as if to say
regardless of the circumstances
one's passions ought never be subdued
just adjusted for the environment.
"grace is ever showing delight...even in the somberest of occasions."
as if to say
regardless of the circumstances
one's passions ought never be subdued
just adjusted for the environment.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
lovely things
we meandered through needless markup (nieman marcus) and lingered around chanel.
eyes convey the most sensual of caresses
"try it on."
hands reaching, "look at this..."
"try it on."
quiet pensive smile
then laughter in my head,
the thought, "totally fitted."
other lovely things...
first sighted in vegas
now visited daily online
the diorette rings.
we laughed in vegas--the memory sticks,
"it must be weird to see someone making love to their hand all day"
the sound of your laughter, my hand in yours, knocking shoulders.
lovely things are not always meant to be had.
their only purpose to be appreciated, adored, loved from a distance.
the wide-eyed smiles they bring enough...those too are lovely.
eyes convey the most sensual of caresses
"try it on."
hands reaching, "look at this..."
"try it on."
quiet pensive smile
then laughter in my head,
the thought, "totally fitted."
other lovely things...
first sighted in vegas
now visited daily online
the diorette rings.
we laughed in vegas--the memory sticks,
"it must be weird to see someone making love to their hand all day"
the sound of your laughter, my hand in yours, knocking shoulders.
lovely things are not always meant to be had.
their only purpose to be appreciated, adored, loved from a distance.
the wide-eyed smiles they bring enough...those too are lovely.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Hilarious site
Living with a snarkster I fall upon odd destinations that generally leave me saying a whole lot of, "I don't get it." {Of late, this "I don't get it" seems to be plaguing every part of my life}. But this site is hilarious even for the slow witted. For the quick and clever folks (you know who you are...and never let me forget)--you will love this. Charters -- I swear this is your husband (#s 44,46...proximity of those two, haha), SF soccer dad #75, Pokey #94, S/J #90, Kate #106, Rainy #50, Clay #111, Eye #36, Vidya #45, Spence girls #29, Nik #49, Jackson #18 commentary on the generations before, walker of dogs named John Galt #104 ;-) and on and on ... don't send mail that you've not been sighted {uhm, ja, seriously}--those just happened to jump out at me.
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/03/23/91-san-francisco/
Excerpt:
"The City of San Francisco has a very multicultural population that ranges from white to gay to Asian. Within white culture this known as “ideal diversity” for its provision of exotic restaurants while simultaneously preserving property values. The presence of gays and Asians is imperative as it two provides two of the key resources most necessary for white success and happiness."
...
"Though it is exceptionally easy to put someone from San Francisco in a good mood, there are some caveats. When talking to a white person who lives in San Francisco, it is best not to bring up New York City. Though they live in a world class city, San Franciscans have a crippling inferiority complex about New York and even hinting at that will make them very sad or very defensive."
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/03/23/91-san-francisco/
Excerpt:
"The City of San Francisco has a very multicultural population that ranges from white to gay to Asian. Within white culture this known as “ideal diversity” for its provision of exotic restaurants while simultaneously preserving property values. The presence of gays and Asians is imperative as it two provides two of the key resources most necessary for white success and happiness."
...
"Though it is exceptionally easy to put someone from San Francisco in a good mood, there are some caveats. When talking to a white person who lives in San Francisco, it is best not to bring up New York City. Though they live in a world class city, San Franciscans have a crippling inferiority complex about New York and even hinting at that will make them very sad or very defensive."
Friday, October 31, 2008
"I can't even see that..."
"I can't imagine you playing any sports."
Eyebrows raised, "Really?"
"I can't even see that."
"I have never heard that before."
Pause.
"I don't have that soccer player look?"
He laughs,"Nooo...."
Reactive laughter in unison.
"Like I just see you quietly at your desk. Like sports and Zane don't mix."
Perceptions. Context of knowledge. Quiet laughter.
Eyebrows raised, "Really?"
"I can't even see that."
"I have never heard that before."
Pause.
"I don't have that soccer player look?"
He laughs,"Nooo...."
Reactive laughter in unison.
"Like I just see you quietly at your desk. Like sports and Zane don't mix."
Perceptions. Context of knowledge. Quiet laughter.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
poison
"Honey!"
"You okay?"
"Honey...I accidentally took one of your pills!!!"
"Which one?"
"The . . . "
"No worries -- you just wont be hungry today."
goofy boy
"You okay?"
"Honey...I accidentally took one of your pills!!!"
"Which one?"
"The . . . "
"No worries -- you just wont be hungry today."
goofy boy
Monday, October 27, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
bouncing back
gattaca...
watched it over and over again yesterday
all day
until i slept.
this morning
v for vendetta....
"V: I can assure you I mean you no harm.
Evey: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what, and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey: Well, I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation, I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.
Evey: Oh. Right.
V: But on this most auspicious of nights permit me then in lieu of the more commonplace sobriquet to suggest the character of this dramatis persona.
[V throws back his cape.]
V: Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition! [He slashes a large V through a propaganda poster.] The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. [giggles] Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me "V".
Evey: Are you, like, a crazy person?
V: I am quite sure they will say so. But to whom, might I ask, am I speaking?
Evey: I'm Evey.
V: Evey? E-V. Of course you are.
Evey: What does that mean?
V: It means that I, like God, do not play with dice and do not believe in coincidence. "
~
"I dare do all that may become a man; Who dares do more is none." (Macbeth 1.7.47-48)
...
always a revolution of fearlessness and gentleness in every moment.
watched it over and over again yesterday
all day
until i slept.
this morning
v for vendetta....
"V: I can assure you I mean you no harm.
Evey: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what, and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey: Well, I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation, I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.
Evey: Oh. Right.
V: But on this most auspicious of nights permit me then in lieu of the more commonplace sobriquet to suggest the character of this dramatis persona.
[V throws back his cape.]
V: Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition! [He slashes a large V through a propaganda poster.] The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. [giggles] Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me "V".
Evey: Are you, like, a crazy person?
V: I am quite sure they will say so. But to whom, might I ask, am I speaking?
Evey: I'm Evey.
V: Evey? E-V. Of course you are.
Evey: What does that mean?
V: It means that I, like God, do not play with dice and do not believe in coincidence. "
~
"I dare do all that may become a man; Who dares do more is none." (Macbeth 1.7.47-48)
...
always a revolution of fearlessness and gentleness in every moment.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
fathers and sons
f: what's steve doing today?
z: 12 hr run in the city
f: 12 hrs? running for 12 hrs.
shakes head laughing.
z: 1 mile loops, lots of friends, smiling the entire time.
freddie looks at me over his shoulder.
z: you're telling me when I call you at 40 your son isn't going to say, "dad's hoopin for 12 hrs?"
laughter.
f: that's right, i will be hoopin for 12hrs
they understand each other perfectly.
z: 12 hr run in the city
f: 12 hrs? running for 12 hrs.
shakes head laughing.
z: 1 mile loops, lots of friends, smiling the entire time.
freddie looks at me over his shoulder.
z: you're telling me when I call you at 40 your son isn't going to say, "dad's hoopin for 12 hrs?"
laughter.
f: that's right, i will be hoopin for 12hrs
they understand each other perfectly.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Under the stars
Spent....
We were to go to a Bellarmine thingy.
"What are we doing tonight?"
"Every year we go and we end up laughing at how silly it all is. Then we ask ourselves why are we here."
"Yeah." laughter.
"Let's skip it."
Home.
Steve did his yoga. I went outside, watched the stars and listened to Toni Childs, Dreamer for I dont know how long. Not much awareness of anything but the slow rise and fall of my chest...and then a memory,
"Why do you work?"
"To get to space."
"What?"
"To be able to afford the price of the ticket."
"Really?"
"Really."
Awkward silence. Disconnect. Different language. Translation not available.
Returned to the stars and the music and lingered.
We were to go to a Bellarmine thingy.
"What are we doing tonight?"
"Every year we go and we end up laughing at how silly it all is. Then we ask ourselves why are we here."
"Yeah." laughter.
"Let's skip it."
Home.
Steve did his yoga. I went outside, watched the stars and listened to Toni Childs, Dreamer for I dont know how long. Not much awareness of anything but the slow rise and fall of my chest...and then a memory,
"Why do you work?"
"To get to space."
"What?"
"To be able to afford the price of the ticket."
"Really?"
"Really."
Awkward silence. Disconnect. Different language. Translation not available.
Returned to the stars and the music and lingered.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
far and away
Cait La Dee, "Take Me Home"
Sia, "Breathe Me"
The Cure, "To Wish Impossible Things"
Sting, "Fragile"
Sia, "Breathe Me"
The Cure, "To Wish Impossible Things"
Sting, "Fragile"
Monday, October 20, 2008
Bar Stool Economics
I enjoyed the following which I received in an email from a friend.
Bar Stool Economics
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers, he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'
'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!'
'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics, University of Georgia
Bar Stool Economics
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers, he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'
'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!'
'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics, University of Georgia
Saturday, October 18, 2008
tia susan...tia susan....
I miss the pitter patter of little feet. Last Saturday we woke-up with Allison lying horizontally at the end of the bed. Just a week ago.
Strange the sound of "Susan" again and again. In reference. In being. A name long lost. Returned by translation. "Susan"....
Looking forward to crashing at the house on Margarita Island in January...and the sound of "Tia Susan."
Strange the sound of "Susan" again and again. In reference. In being. A name long lost. Returned by translation. "Susan"....
Looking forward to crashing at the house on Margarita Island in January...and the sound of "Tia Susan."
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
testa den här hunden?
"Nu berätta vad du ska göra
När det inte finns någon plats att köra
När den meningen kommer till dig
Vad ska du göra
När det inte finns någon plats att gömma
När den meningen kommer till dig
Eftersom det är på väg till dig"
När det inte finns någon plats att köra
När den meningen kommer till dig
Vad ska du göra
När det inte finns någon plats att gömma
När den meningen kommer till dig
Eftersom det är på väg till dig"
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
"This is going out..."
to you...
The Five Stairsteps, "Ooh Child" and the many other songs that brought smiles.
Imagine...flashback to a game of frisbee on the Transylvania Park green.
Happy B-day.
xo
The Five Stairsteps, "Ooh Child" and the many other songs that brought smiles.
Imagine...flashback to a game of frisbee on the Transylvania Park green.
Happy B-day.
xo
Looking back
"West Side", TQ
"I Wish - Remix (To the Homies That Didn't Make It)", R. Kelly
"Only Begotten Son", Ja Rule
Some memories are just behind you.
Years old but ever present.
"I Wish - Remix (To the Homies That Didn't Make It)", R. Kelly
"Only Begotten Son", Ja Rule
Some memories are just behind you.
Years old but ever present.
Monday, October 13, 2008
beautiful souls
ty for the musical vm...
jesse mccartney...lol
...flashback to Tiger Beat days and Ricky Schroeder (so not a coincidence we have the same birthday--sure sign we were meant to be together)
rolling :-)
jesse mccartney...lol
...flashback to Tiger Beat days and Ricky Schroeder (so not a coincidence we have the same birthday--sure sign we were meant to be together)
rolling :-)
Saturday, October 11, 2008
changes
steve's plane hit the brakes just before take-off. in place of running this morning, he is playing with Allison and Marcella flying home with me on Sunday eve.
the new house...on the side of a mountain...overlooking santa ana...lovely. [no golf cart for freddie, but an atv might be perfect :-) ]
hanging out in the "barbie house" with the pretend kitchen, costumes and those little faces beaming...wonderful.
we're headed for a day of shopping, movies and wandering. see the world through the eyes of a seven and nine year old...it's been a longtime. Freddie was seven when we became a family... Allison has about the same crazy energy and the constant smile on her face. Marcella in a way, perhaps a stretch, has Jefferson's pensiveness--that older sibling sense of responsibility and protection.
given the time to think...and not so self-consumed in whatever ridiculousness is happening at the moment...we may find ourselves beyond "lucky" (steve, "has nothing to do with luck") ... we may just find ourselves living fully in the moment. a moment full of rightness, happiness, joy.
the economists front page, "world on the edge"...it always is. we just forget that edges are good. edges are the language that makes the rest possible.
the new house...on the side of a mountain...overlooking santa ana...lovely. [no golf cart for freddie, but an atv might be perfect :-) ]
hanging out in the "barbie house" with the pretend kitchen, costumes and those little faces beaming...wonderful.
we're headed for a day of shopping, movies and wandering. see the world through the eyes of a seven and nine year old...it's been a longtime. Freddie was seven when we became a family... Allison has about the same crazy energy and the constant smile on her face. Marcella in a way, perhaps a stretch, has Jefferson's pensiveness--that older sibling sense of responsibility and protection.
given the time to think...and not so self-consumed in whatever ridiculousness is happening at the moment...we may find ourselves beyond "lucky" (steve, "has nothing to do with luck") ... we may just find ourselves living fully in the moment. a moment full of rightness, happiness, joy.
the economists front page, "world on the edge"...it always is. we just forget that edges are good. edges are the language that makes the rest possible.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
happy happy b-day
...spent surfing
and chillin
with a gazillion sand and hermit crabs.
your smiling face
in those waves
a memory forever.
and chillin
with a gazillion sand and hermit crabs.
your smiling face
in those waves
a memory forever.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
rain
torrential rain...swept through...waves of it
surrounded by a blanket of grey
four books completed...three to go
...
1:00am wandering upward, outward, the terrace
stars the way stars are meant to be seen
brilliant
surrounded by a blanket of grey
four books completed...three to go
...
1:00am wandering upward, outward, the terrace
stars the way stars are meant to be seen
brilliant
Monday, October 06, 2008
more yep, yep
Great site...excellent reads.
http://www.realclearmarkets.com/articles/2008/09/in_times_of_crisis_trust_capit.html
http://www.realclearmarkets.com/articles/2008/09/in_times_of_crisis_trust_capit.html
Sunday, October 05, 2008
returning to paradise
last year we spent our anniversay in the emergency room. it took steve an hour to convince me that being incapable of walking is a problem (the crying and crawling was kind of a sign...but denial is, well, irrational). he was correct. i ended up being doped up on morphine and sleeping for the next two days.
this year...we sat on the tarmac for a few hours only to have our flight cancelled. returned home. laughed with freddie, went and got Chipotle (ACE family favortite fast food), laughed heaps, dropped him at Eric's...and finally made it to costa rica. long drive to manuel antonio. jefferson called us with happy anniversay wishes. and 12 hours of sleep...amazing.
doing a lot of nothing. staring. empty thoughts. watching the rain in the distance. the edge isnt quite gone. work seeps in for a bit of time. snap out of it. look around. stop taking it for granted. not yet convinced that the two cannot co-exist. (can always have your cake and eat it too... as long as you plan to make another, but better cake :-).
steve stole my bean bag...engrossed in his book...I watched him pick it out at the bookstore...lingering, reaching, index finger scanning...and here he is now reading about the techinical side of writing...present, happy, lovely to see.
i'm incredibly lucky...extraordinarily so. pura vida.
this year...we sat on the tarmac for a few hours only to have our flight cancelled. returned home. laughed with freddie, went and got Chipotle (ACE family favortite fast food), laughed heaps, dropped him at Eric's...and finally made it to costa rica. long drive to manuel antonio. jefferson called us with happy anniversay wishes. and 12 hours of sleep...amazing.
doing a lot of nothing. staring. empty thoughts. watching the rain in the distance. the edge isnt quite gone. work seeps in for a bit of time. snap out of it. look around. stop taking it for granted. not yet convinced that the two cannot co-exist. (can always have your cake and eat it too... as long as you plan to make another, but better cake :-).
steve stole my bean bag...engrossed in his book...I watched him pick it out at the bookstore...lingering, reaching, index finger scanning...and here he is now reading about the techinical side of writing...present, happy, lovely to see.
i'm incredibly lucky...extraordinarily so. pura vida.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
yep, yep
http://www.forbes.com/opinions/2008/07/18/fannie-freddie-regulation-oped-cx_yb_0718brook.html
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
toronto
back to the hotel...walked up to street level and for a minute...it could have been NYC. everything grey, loud, shadows on buildings, sunlit sky through buildings....
later.
meandering at 3:30am...not quite the same...but not so different. cold slow rain, hot coffee in hand...wandering. shivering in the wind "praying the coffee prayer"...hearing a city begin to wake.
later.
meandering at 3:30am...not quite the same...but not so different. cold slow rain, hot coffee in hand...wandering. shivering in the wind "praying the coffee prayer"...hearing a city begin to wake.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
getting it
"He taught that everything is something."
pay attention to what you dismiss as nothing ...
it may be the key to the riddle.
pay attention to what you dismiss as nothing ...
it may be the key to the riddle.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
metro philosophy
i rode the metro back toward city hall...but didnt get off. just road to the other end of the line. the message in each station,
"Value life. Live responsibly."
"Value life. Live responsibly."
amazing stuff
imagine walking into a starbucks at 7:00am and you are the only one there. (yes on workday).
Monday, September 15, 2008
singapore thug wonders n old white guys
boys swaggering thug-wonders
landing by my side on the metro.
i cant help but turn to Ludacris (Get Back),
increase the volume
and watch the expression on their face.
or the wandering eyes in the lobby,
conversations in the lift,
"where from?" intros
and strangers falling in step--
Ludacris is a perfect show stopper and amusing as heck.
"heads up, heads up...
why you all in my ear
talking a whole bunch of ...
I'm not trying to hear"
"hey you want what with me
i'm gonna tell you one time dont ... with me"
landing by my side on the metro.
i cant help but turn to Ludacris (Get Back),
increase the volume
and watch the expression on their face.
or the wandering eyes in the lobby,
conversations in the lift,
"where from?" intros
and strangers falling in step--
Ludacris is a perfect show stopper and amusing as heck.
"heads up, heads up...
why you all in my ear
talking a whole bunch of ...
I'm not trying to hear"
"hey you want what with me
i'm gonna tell you one time dont ... with me"
Friday, September 12, 2008
timing
years ago...9/11...citibank guys just arrived in the lobby...the turn of heads.
cnn. just watching.
the numbness.
people slowly sitting down.
an awkward, "you don't know. you dont know."
silence.
...
We couldn't get home until the 22nd...Raj would put me back on the plane back to India the day we started dropping bombs on Afghanistan.
...
I am sitting in the same lounge...the same chair...the same view out the window as years prior.
cnn. just watching.
the numbness.
people slowly sitting down.
an awkward, "you don't know. you dont know."
silence.
...
We couldn't get home until the 22nd...Raj would put me back on the plane back to India the day we started dropping bombs on Afghanistan.
...
I am sitting in the same lounge...the same chair...the same view out the window as years prior.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Sunday, August 31, 2008
finishing
friday...three indicators of one shouldn't proceed:
results--still out of balance...this is too high, this is too low and that's borderline so who knows.
a twisted ankle on a late night short jog (the kind that leaves in you in silent angry tears...'this is unbelievable' kinda thing)
and "the watch"...I didn't care about this one...the watch could not be found...the satellite thingy measuring every step and heartbeat and thought...jk...somebody bounced about tormented which was totally stressful.
saturday we found this, "...Tough times don't last. But tough people do."
And it was one of those moments.
A pause.
A smile.
Meshing of green and blue eyes.
And the silent, "perfect".
mile 11.5 ... kidneys and ribs raging (have no idea why those pains in place of muscles and joints)...the little voice, "the wonderful thing about tigger is I'm the only one" ringing in my head...and something about tough people on my wrist which at that point was foreign but still something somehow still worth trying to be...worked.
results--still out of balance...this is too high, this is too low and that's borderline so who knows.
a twisted ankle on a late night short jog (the kind that leaves in you in silent angry tears...'this is unbelievable' kinda thing)
and "the watch"...I didn't care about this one...the watch could not be found...the satellite thingy measuring every step and heartbeat and thought...jk...somebody bounced about tormented which was totally stressful.
saturday we found this, "...Tough times don't last. But tough people do."
And it was one of those moments.
A pause.
A smile.
Meshing of green and blue eyes.
And the silent, "perfect".
mile 11.5 ... kidneys and ribs raging (have no idea why those pains in place of muscles and joints)...the little voice, "the wonderful thing about tigger is I'm the only one" ringing in my head...and something about tough people on my wrist which at that point was foreign but still something somehow still worth trying to be...worked.
Monday, August 25, 2008
"Better put ‘em in quotations...."
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put ‘em in quotations
Say what you need to say...
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
Say what you need to say...
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say....
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put ‘em in quotations
Say what you need to say...
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
Say what you need to say...
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say....
Friday, August 22, 2008
weighted air
"The consciousness that feels alone--without the weight of other eyes watching--is the only healthy consciousness."
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
wind n sails
the view outside
windsurfers...learning
the straights -- no problem
the turns, pivoting, direction modification
much like life...difficult, a lesson in patience
requiring commitment to change.
there's no way to know who returns and who does not
only those who press forward
have the oceans to sail
and those who dont
a lifetime of wondering, "could i have...."
or ... hopefully resolve
windsurfers...learning
the straights -- no problem
the turns, pivoting, direction modification
much like life...difficult, a lesson in patience
requiring commitment to change.
there's no way to know who returns and who does not
only those who press forward
have the oceans to sail
and those who dont
a lifetime of wondering, "could i have...."
or ... hopefully resolve
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
waking with cunard adverts...
"somewhere between continents
you feel something stirring,
and realize it's your soul."
you feel something stirring,
and realize it's your soul."
Monday, August 18, 2008
hella lazy
"it's allowed."
"really? i'm thinking it's not valid to say, 'o, yeah that's when i was being lazy'."
laughter
"you're the one who suffers"
"yeah. and it's not going to be valid to remind myself, 'that's when i was just being lazy.'"
"then do something."
"too lazy."
ear-to-ear smile chuckling and shaking one's head.
"really? i'm thinking it's not valid to say, 'o, yeah that's when i was being lazy'."
laughter
"you're the one who suffers"
"yeah. and it's not going to be valid to remind myself, 'that's when i was just being lazy.'"
"then do something."
"too lazy."
ear-to-ear smile chuckling and shaking one's head.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
places
yesterday we walked along the beach toward the atv rental. rebel flags on cars, on trucks, on t-shirts...rebel flags.
i watched freddie watch the world. no response. a shrug. what's he thinking? he is thinking. he comments, "i need a flag." we smiled. "one with a fist," i said. more laughter.
only the laughter...is the kind that conveys, here's my reaction to a f-cked up world and if you're wondering if i'll be the last one standing--try me. that's our kid. really...the one to bore you to tears with reason (of the 16 yr old kind), the last to physically strike back (bcause he is that strong), the one who will be left standing intellectually, physically...and hopefully emotionally.
i watched freddie watch the world. no response. a shrug. what's he thinking? he is thinking. he comments, "i need a flag." we smiled. "one with a fist," i said. more laughter.
only the laughter...is the kind that conveys, here's my reaction to a f-cked up world and if you're wondering if i'll be the last one standing--try me. that's our kid. really...the one to bore you to tears with reason (of the 16 yr old kind), the last to physically strike back (bcause he is that strong), the one who will be left standing intellectually, physically...and hopefully emotionally.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
coincidences
fighting the goal the entire way. not sure i care about it. just letting it tug me along. or the fact that i've not the time to execute on this and will be suffering through it...dramatic...not suffering...but it will never quite fit my life as it is today.
we were running for 2hrs when an ice cream truck passed by with the song from pirates in the carribean playing. we laughed, "it's a sign, it's a sign". coincidences.
when everything goes south...just focus on some (self-inflicted) conscious goal that is harder (and actually in your control). things that make you stronger. mind over matter. and good coincidences for fuel.
we were running for 2hrs when an ice cream truck passed by with the song from pirates in the carribean playing. we laughed, "it's a sign, it's a sign". coincidences.
when everything goes south...just focus on some (self-inflicted) conscious goal that is harder (and actually in your control). things that make you stronger. mind over matter. and good coincidences for fuel.
Friday, August 15, 2008
equal distance
"I soon realized that no journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within."
Thursday, August 14, 2008
within
"It is not for the love of a husband that a husband is dear;
but for the love of the Soul in the husband that a husband is dear.
It is not for the love of a wife that a wife is dear;
but for the love of the Soul in the wife that a wife is dear.
It is not for the love of children that children are dear;
but for the love of the Soul in children that children are dear.
It is not for the love of all that all is dear;
but for the love of the Soul in all that all is dear."
- the Brihad-Aranyaka Upanishad
but for the love of the Soul in the husband that a husband is dear.
It is not for the love of a wife that a wife is dear;
but for the love of the Soul in the wife that a wife is dear.
It is not for the love of children that children are dear;
but for the love of the Soul in children that children are dear.
It is not for the love of all that all is dear;
but for the love of the Soul in all that all is dear."
- the Brihad-Aranyaka Upanishad
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
"Never, never, never give up."
I stared at this picture for a long while. A book I have from childhood. Reading and focus not possible. But the face--that look on it. The set backs don't matter. Keep going.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
out of the box
from a Smithsonian interview
Q: You also worked at McDonalds?
A: Yeah. I began to think, "How can I escape this trap of just experiencing what I expect" I decided maybe I would just try to put myself in places where I don't know what to do, what to say, or how to act. So, I did things like working at McDonald's and on an Amish farm, which had not technology whatsoever.
Q: You also worked at McDonalds?
A: Yeah. I began to think, "How can I escape this trap of just experiencing what I expect" I decided maybe I would just try to put myself in places where I don't know what to do, what to say, or how to act. So, I did things like working at McDonald's and on an Amish farm, which had not technology whatsoever.
Monday, August 04, 2008
hitting the wall
read some variation of this over the weekend,
"I'm an architect too...and I have seen your blueprints."
i close my eyes and the world spins...the earth is spinning.
it's all in sync sort of.
potok wrote about a rabbinical student who would stare into the sun if only to experience that brilliance of light that extinguished everything just once. is it possible to carry such a burden and genuinely want an experience of self-annihilation? "I'm an architect too..." in potok's case he described not an architect but a principled nature of illustrating the most important of the commandments...thou shalt not kill. thou shalt not. and yet everyday. subconscious wars waging. a small action now and again that lingers, the consequences, the indifference.
my mind wanders.
How many architects do we meet along the way...and how many have read our plans?
"I'm an architect too...and I have seen your blueprints."
i close my eyes and the world spins...the earth is spinning.
it's all in sync sort of.
potok wrote about a rabbinical student who would stare into the sun if only to experience that brilliance of light that extinguished everything just once. is it possible to carry such a burden and genuinely want an experience of self-annihilation? "I'm an architect too..." in potok's case he described not an architect but a principled nature of illustrating the most important of the commandments...thou shalt not kill. thou shalt not. and yet everyday. subconscious wars waging. a small action now and again that lingers, the consequences, the indifference.
my mind wanders.
How many architects do we meet along the way...and how many have read our plans?
Friday, August 01, 2008
moving forward
“Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.”
“You're in the midst of a war: a battle between the limits of a crowd seeking the surrender of your dreams, and the power of your true vision to create and contribute. It is a fight between those who will tell you what you cannot do, and that part of you that knows / and has always known / that we are more than our environment; and that a dream, backed by an unrelenting will to attain it, is truly a reality with an imminent arrival.”
“In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.”
For the snarcastic ones:
“Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.”
“You're in the midst of a war: a battle between the limits of a crowd seeking the surrender of your dreams, and the power of your true vision to create and contribute. It is a fight between those who will tell you what you cannot do, and that part of you that knows / and has always known / that we are more than our environment; and that a dream, backed by an unrelenting will to attain it, is truly a reality with an imminent arrival.”
“In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.”
For the snarcastic ones:
“Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.”
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
invisible networks
When you're brain dead...and curious in a passive kind of way at 65miles per hour....keep refreshing the available networks….
AC-Transit, toward Union City:
• Dubya's Web of Deceit
• cu
• PeanutButter
• metropolis
• OnWaterFront
• iceoasis
• bradybunch
• BIGHEAD
• nicetry
• prometheus
• toula
• Dilip
• ITCAGE
• Tvishi
• Buccinet
• Canada
• igmojo
• Roma1
• SMC
• jaimes
• famdobbs
• timothy
• Red Apple
• cardinal01
• Free Public WiFi
• Ceasar
Bart from Hayward to Fremont:
• LocoPoison
• JesusIsLord
• Jwrenn-G
• Lovely Network
• familia hernandez adame
• D Ball
• Hayward Office
• injexp1
• wifi_rail
• milkyway
• Canuto Resident Biatch
• diwakar
• kikoman
• Coco
• hugoboss
• mark
• colibri
• Leviathan
• actiontec
• Rachel
• Alvarez
• 7141 3110
• jenkins
• keepout
• FIREFLY
• lola
• WILLIAM
• ThePad
• UCEMAR
• Jesus.Online
• eightarmyaircorps
• bleumoney
• BALENTINE
• celia
• nani23
• Al-Shaikh
• spike
AC-Transit, toward Union City:
• Dubya's Web of Deceit
• cu
• PeanutButter
• metropolis
• OnWaterFront
• iceoasis
• bradybunch
• BIGHEAD
• nicetry
• prometheus
• toula
• Dilip
• ITCAGE
• Tvishi
• Buccinet
• Canada
• igmojo
• Roma1
• SMC
• jaimes
• famdobbs
• timothy
• Red Apple
• cardinal01
• Free Public WiFi
• Ceasar
Bart from Hayward to Fremont:
• LocoPoison
• JesusIsLord
• Jwrenn-G
• Lovely Network
• familia hernandez adame
• D Ball
• Hayward Office
• injexp1
• wifi_rail
• milkyway
• Canuto Resident Biatch
• diwakar
• kikoman
• Coco
• hugoboss
• mark
• colibri
• Leviathan
• actiontec
• Rachel
• Alvarez
• 7141 3110
• jenkins
• keepout
• FIREFLY
• lola
• WILLIAM
• ThePad
• UCEMAR
• Jesus.Online
• eightarmyaircorps
• bleumoney
• BALENTINE
• celia
• nani23
• Al-Shaikh
• spike
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Charterisms
snarcastic: snarky + sarcastic
I have absolutely no idea what it means to be "snarcastic".
I asked, "Am I snarcastic?"
Charters and Steve laugh loudly, "Definition of snarcastic--Not Zane"
Urban dictionary says, "Adjective - Any language that contains quips or comments containing sarcastic or satirical witticisms intended as blunt irony. Usually delivered in a manner that is somewhat abrupt and out of context and intended to stun and amuse."
~~~~~~
Story:
Location Blacksburg, Virginia (Virginia Tech Student Health)
Charters and her also short haired friend approach the counter at student health. The conversation went as follows,
Nurse says, "Y'all look so much alike, are y'all twins?"
Charters, "No" with a flat look.
Nurse, "Well are you sisters?"
Charters, "No."
Nurse, "Well...Y'all are at least from the same hometown, aren't ya?"
~~~~~~~
I have absolutely no idea what it means to be "snarcastic".
I asked, "Am I snarcastic?"
Charters and Steve laugh loudly, "Definition of snarcastic--Not Zane"
Urban dictionary says, "Adjective - Any language that contains quips or comments containing sarcastic or satirical witticisms intended as blunt irony. Usually delivered in a manner that is somewhat abrupt and out of context and intended to stun and amuse."
~~~~~~
Story:
Location Blacksburg, Virginia (Virginia Tech Student Health)
Charters and her also short haired friend approach the counter at student health. The conversation went as follows,
Nurse says, "Y'all look so much alike, are y'all twins?"
Charters, "No" with a flat look.
Nurse, "Well are you sisters?"
Charters, "No."
Nurse, "Well...Y'all are at least from the same hometown, aren't ya?"
~~~~~~~
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
get the shovel
"Hell is not punishment it is training."
"...with no future, be true to yourself...."
"...says to light up one corner--not the whole world. Just make it clear where you are."
"When I said it, it was true. Whe you said, it was false."
"Here I sit near the end of this...energized and thinking there is a lot of power in this place. He responded, 'Don't use it.'"
"If you're alert, you can hear the tide turn."
"I don't know anything about consciousness. I just try to teach my students how to hear the birds sing."
"...when they got to the top, they discovered that they had forgotten the shovel, and they began a discussion on who should return to get it. After the discussion ended, they realized he wasn't there. He was already halfway down the mountain trail, on his way to pick up the shovel."
"...with no future, be true to yourself...."
"...says to light up one corner--not the whole world. Just make it clear where you are."
"When I said it, it was true. Whe you said, it was false."
"Here I sit near the end of this...energized and thinking there is a lot of power in this place. He responded, 'Don't use it.'"
"If you're alert, you can hear the tide turn."
"I don't know anything about consciousness. I just try to teach my students how to hear the birds sing."
"...when they got to the top, they discovered that they had forgotten the shovel, and they began a discussion on who should return to get it. After the discussion ended, they realized he wasn't there. He was already halfway down the mountain trail, on his way to pick up the shovel."
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
interest vs. understanding
That is the error. Confusing genuine interest with genuine understanding. It logically follows [for me] that given an interest one is driven to full understanding. Perhaps the standard is an interest that extends only to a concept of a thing, or an interest to a sense of something and that fulfills the need. Very different outcomes...driven to know or driven to "feel" one knows.
That is the error. And the pieces come together. Premised on this...it all means something very much different than it did five minutes ago.
....
I watched Freddie play basketball via the internet. A live broadcast from the tourney. Felt like a huge ray of sunlight.
That is the error. And the pieces come together. Premised on this...it all means something very much different than it did five minutes ago.
....
I watched Freddie play basketball via the internet. A live broadcast from the tourney. Felt like a huge ray of sunlight.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
addition
"Do you wish to subtract what you have been given? Well, you can't. But there is something you can do. You can add."
Subtraction and addition. A whole new light. A newer "new math".
[And I like it]
"The rational man uses humor to ridicule evil and irrationality. Humor is an expression of one's conviction that evil is metaphysically impotent, that "we never had to take any of it seriously".
Subtraction and addition. A whole new light. A newer "new math".
[And I like it]
"The rational man uses humor to ridicule evil and irrationality. Humor is an expression of one's conviction that evil is metaphysically impotent, that "we never had to take any of it seriously".
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Einstein's Dreams
Great book about time...
"Question: Some have stopped reading altogether. They have abandoned the past. They have decided that it matters not if yesterday they were rich or poor, educated or ignorant, proud or humble, in love or empty hearted - no more than it matters how a soft wind gets into their hair. Such people look at you directly in the eye and grip your hand firmly. Such people walk with the limber stride of their youth. Such people have learned how to live in a world without memory.
Answers:
'Einstein's Dreams' by Alan Lightman is technically a novel, but more like a collection of poetry than anything else. In his poetic writing Lightman uses simple and literal details to tell us where we are. In reality we are in Berne, Switzerland in the spring of 1905. Einstein is working as a patent clerk, and in snatched moments of spare time he is working on his theory of relativity. Einstein often daydreams, or dozes during this time.
The real essence of the novel, however, resides in Einstein's dreams - 30 short stories, which take place in various places, times, speeds, etc. In one dream time may bend back upon itself, and in another dream someone is taken from the present into the past and left there. In the one in question there is no past, no memory of yesterday or of history going back centuries.
The dreams all tell of people who eventually adapt to their situation, be it time travel, or change of perception of time, or the concept of age relating to height from sea level.
This quote relates to acceptance of the present. It puts past victories, or riches, or attributes into the same category as a soft wind momentarily ruffling hair ... there, and then not there. It is about people whose acceptance of this moment have a confidence, or an inner strength, gained from not caring about what has gone before."
"Question: Some have stopped reading altogether. They have abandoned the past. They have decided that it matters not if yesterday they were rich or poor, educated or ignorant, proud or humble, in love or empty hearted - no more than it matters how a soft wind gets into their hair. Such people look at you directly in the eye and grip your hand firmly. Such people walk with the limber stride of their youth. Such people have learned how to live in a world without memory.
Answers:
'Einstein's Dreams' by Alan Lightman is technically a novel, but more like a collection of poetry than anything else. In his poetic writing Lightman uses simple and literal details to tell us where we are. In reality we are in Berne, Switzerland in the spring of 1905. Einstein is working as a patent clerk, and in snatched moments of spare time he is working on his theory of relativity. Einstein often daydreams, or dozes during this time.
The real essence of the novel, however, resides in Einstein's dreams - 30 short stories, which take place in various places, times, speeds, etc. In one dream time may bend back upon itself, and in another dream someone is taken from the present into the past and left there. In the one in question there is no past, no memory of yesterday or of history going back centuries.
The dreams all tell of people who eventually adapt to their situation, be it time travel, or change of perception of time, or the concept of age relating to height from sea level.
This quote relates to acceptance of the present. It puts past victories, or riches, or attributes into the same category as a soft wind momentarily ruffling hair ... there, and then not there. It is about people whose acceptance of this moment have a confidence, or an inner strength, gained from not caring about what has gone before."
Thursday, July 10, 2008
"hey..."
"...twilight zone day--deja vu day."
"...where the wildflowers grow."
smiles
perfect
that's the corner of the twilight zone i love
"...where the wildflowers grow."
smiles
perfect
that's the corner of the twilight zone i love
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
convos
"you sound like you're wearing a laura ashely dress--"
laughter
more laughter
...
"everytime my mother saw you in one of those damn dresses she thought i could pull it off too. remember me, all big hair and make-up 80s style, with a f*$%ing laura ashley dress on. rip roaring fights with mums and you freakin standing there like something perfect out of peter rabbit. we shudda nicknamed you beatrice."
and i do remember
and i'm laughing
and i can't stop
laughter
more laughter
...
"everytime my mother saw you in one of those damn dresses she thought i could pull it off too. remember me, all big hair and make-up 80s style, with a f*$%ing laura ashley dress on. rip roaring fights with mums and you freakin standing there like something perfect out of peter rabbit. we shudda nicknamed you beatrice."
and i do remember
and i'm laughing
and i can't stop
Monday, July 07, 2008
Friday, July 04, 2008
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
transparency
"I was walking in the park, along the creek.The light was silver. A goldfinch hovered above my path a few yards ahead. The pages of a broken book drifted along the surface of the water.I was pierced--by what, I cannot say. I would like to say, but I cannot say. And I do not mind that I am lacking in the words. The unsayable is precious to me. I do not wish to be a creature only of language, one of those "articulate" people to whom the world is always transparent, who can always tell you what's really going on. Sometimes I do not know what is really going on, and the clumsiness of my expression must vouch for the exertion of my mind. Anyway, I cannot conceive of the transparency of the world."
Monday, June 30, 2008
visiting
a guide for the perplexed, by moses maimonides
"When man comes to the trial, he is first asked, 'Hast thou fixed certain seasons for the study of the law? Hast thou been engaged in the acquisition of wisdom? Hast thou derived one thing from another?"
the error in interpretation is in thinking the "trial" is someday down the line...but it's today. it's everyday.
"When man comes to the trial, he is first asked, 'Hast thou fixed certain seasons for the study of the law? Hast thou been engaged in the acquisition of wisdom? Hast thou derived one thing from another?"
the error in interpretation is in thinking the "trial" is someday down the line...but it's today. it's everyday.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
limits
"An acquaintance with your limits is not an acquaintance with your end. You know your end only once. For this reason, your limits are more stimulating than your end. They mark your span. They taunt your soul every day of your life."
Saturday, June 28, 2008
stars
"Look at the night sky. You are not seeing only the light of the stars. You are also seeing the journey of the light of the stars towards you."
Friday, June 27, 2008
study
"Back and forth from my desk to my shelves, ten, twenty, thirty times a day. The sources swirl around me. I am drugged by books. The sweet savor rises from the pages. A delerium of study."
Thursday, June 26, 2008
survival skills
the contest is not this moment. it's a lifetime.
the adversary is not some other. it's oneself.
the difference is in the definition of "winning"...and what exactly one has won.
the adversary is not some other. it's oneself.
the difference is in the definition of "winning"...and what exactly one has won.
wagers
"Pascal's wager is uninteresting. Like all bets, it lives in the future. It is just another presentiment, just another theology of postponement, in which the present is disowned."
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
ec recruiting
letter from Yale for Freddie...we laugh, "hmm, let's hold out for the Princeton letter."
...
and i imagine freddie in a sweatshirt with yale plastered across his chest. carrying books to and from games--ever studying. this would be the experience. this is what it would be mean to go to a yale...coaches competing not with the normal distractions of the college experience but with academics, with standards and values that roar just as loudly as sport.
is this who he is? unknown. does the intellectual side of him rage more passionately?
~~~
jefferson and i had spoken earlier in the day to catch-up on his unattended to mishaps that were now in the stage of mails to the house. we laughed. "what did you do?", "no, it's like nothing.", "what did you do--what is this?", "like, like. .... ok. like it's like if you and steve were under 21 (laughing)--like that's not even possible, but, like if that were possible and you ran a red light and they breathalized me even tho i was the passenger." (uhm, ja. ok.) i said, "you're not my son". "how do you figure that zane?", "this was after totalling your car or before?" (nervous laughter), "after...uuuh!!!!". "not my son..." and the banter forth and back. i love this child but gahd...fashooey. someday he'll acknowledge the rules apply. at least on this, the conversation ended with he had fixed the issue with school and was good on fun tickets (fun tickets=money...which is generally what our conversations are about). he asked about the usual stuff...freddie and college. he's excited for his brother--very. we chatted about steve, about me..."still looking in ny?", "...after bellarmine, it wouldnt be fair to freddie, to steve" and so on.
~~~
i called him back to let him know about yale..."get outta here...wow...wow." and then, "ny may just work out for you.", "may work out for all of us--you wouldn't have to live with 8 guys in a two bedroom apartment for a year. steve could run to CT and visit freddie. i can wander aimlessly in the rush". {laughter}
~~~
very very lucky. amazingly so.
...
and i imagine freddie in a sweatshirt with yale plastered across his chest. carrying books to and from games--ever studying. this would be the experience. this is what it would be mean to go to a yale...coaches competing not with the normal distractions of the college experience but with academics, with standards and values that roar just as loudly as sport.
is this who he is? unknown. does the intellectual side of him rage more passionately?
~~~
jefferson and i had spoken earlier in the day to catch-up on his unattended to mishaps that were now in the stage of mails to the house. we laughed. "what did you do?", "no, it's like nothing.", "what did you do--what is this?", "like, like. .... ok. like it's like if you and steve were under 21 (laughing)--like that's not even possible, but, like if that were possible and you ran a red light and they breathalized me even tho i was the passenger." (uhm, ja. ok.) i said, "you're not my son". "how do you figure that zane?", "this was after totalling your car or before?" (nervous laughter), "after...uuuh!!!!". "not my son..." and the banter forth and back. i love this child but gahd...fashooey. someday he'll acknowledge the rules apply. at least on this, the conversation ended with he had fixed the issue with school and was good on fun tickets (fun tickets=money...which is generally what our conversations are about). he asked about the usual stuff...freddie and college. he's excited for his brother--very. we chatted about steve, about me..."still looking in ny?", "...after bellarmine, it wouldnt be fair to freddie, to steve" and so on.
~~~
i called him back to let him know about yale..."get outta here...wow...wow." and then, "ny may just work out for you.", "may work out for all of us--you wouldn't have to live with 8 guys in a two bedroom apartment for a year. steve could run to CT and visit freddie. i can wander aimlessly in the rush". {laughter}
~~~
very very lucky. amazingly so.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
fireflies
"When I left shul this evening, I walked over to the park. The heavy summer air was filled with fireflies, hundreds of them, burning and vanishing, burning and vanishing. The park was a field of floating, passing intensities. I sat for a while and watched the little eruptions of brilliance. Wherever I looked, there was the beginning and the ending of light. No light lasted long, but there was not a moment of total darkness. This, I thought, is another ideal of illumination."
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
recruiting
calls from college coaches.
we all just sort of look at one another.
parents, "just be happy."
freddie, deliberate shrug...slow...thoughtful...
and in an instant--off to the movies.
we all just sort of look at one another.
parents, "just be happy."
freddie, deliberate shrug...slow...thoughtful...
and in an instant--off to the movies.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
losing
12:03 call from Jefferson:
"Zane--you get my msg?" irritated, upset.
"No Jefferson, what's up?"
"All my stuff is gone--all of it."
"What?"
"All my stuff...like I have boxers left. Laptop, DVD, CDs, clothes--it's all gone."
"Where are you?"
"I'm like off early from work to move out of the frat right now and my stuff is gone."
...
"Police are here. Love you Zane. Call you after."
"Hang in there...love you too Jefferson."
12:14 call from Freddie:
another two down...and the sense of loss is is incredible...
"Zane--you know what happened?"
"Yeah, no. What happend?"
"... are in jail."
"What!?"
"Zane...they're in jail."
silence
...
"Love you Freddie."
"Love you too Zane."
silence
and you linger in silence on the phone with your 16 year old son...who is thriving...who is beating the odds--who is winning. that silence...as a parent you want to fly through the phone and reassure him...it'll be ok--he will be ok. and you want to say the words to make it better only they don't exist.
"Freddie, find out where they are."
"Ok." pause, "Zane." and silence.
""Love you Freddie."
"Love you too Zane."
"Zane--you get my msg?" irritated, upset.
"No Jefferson, what's up?"
"All my stuff is gone--all of it."
"What?"
"All my stuff...like I have boxers left. Laptop, DVD, CDs, clothes--it's all gone."
"Where are you?"
"I'm like off early from work to move out of the frat right now and my stuff is gone."
...
"Police are here. Love you Zane. Call you after."
"Hang in there...love you too Jefferson."
12:14 call from Freddie:
another two down...and the sense of loss is is incredible...
"Zane--you know what happened?"
"Yeah, no. What happend?"
"... are in jail."
"What!?"
"Zane...they're in jail."
silence
...
"Love you Freddie."
"Love you too Zane."
silence
and you linger in silence on the phone with your 16 year old son...who is thriving...who is beating the odds--who is winning. that silence...as a parent you want to fly through the phone and reassure him...it'll be ok--he will be ok. and you want to say the words to make it better only they don't exist.
"Freddie, find out where they are."
"Ok." pause, "Zane." and silence.
""Love you Freddie."
"Love you too Zane."
sense and independence
"...He who takes nature for his guide, is not easily beaten out of his argument, and on that ground, I answer generally--That independence being a single simple line, contained within ourselves; and reconciliation, a matter exceedingly perplexed and complicated, and in which a treacherous capricious court is to interferre, gives the answer without doubt...."
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
1833
the pages thicker.
the leather...leather.
the leather smooth.
a note to someone long ago.
and wondering...how many minds have read the note.
have paused and wondered.
the language delicious. engaging. demanding.
active minded expecting the active minded.
the language required before tv.
a conveyance sadly lost.
the leather...leather.
the leather smooth.
a note to someone long ago.
and wondering...how many minds have read the note.
have paused and wondered.
the language delicious. engaging. demanding.
active minded expecting the active minded.
the language required before tv.
a conveyance sadly lost.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
loafing
"...sounds good."
"It does."
"This is sort of loafing."
"Rather poor form of it."
"Serious loafer."
laughter.
"...where?"
"Marble steps warn down from years and years of traffic. Cold. Smooth. Top of the stairs--upper dorms that were no longer used. Best place to read in quiet."
"Get caught?"
Smiling, "Yes."
laughter.
"And?"
"Headmaster sat down. Recognized every book. Asked questions, challenged, demanded more."
"Serious loafer."
pause.
"No, just serious."
"...consequences?"
"Cleaned test tubes in the chem lab."
laughter.
"How many times did you clean test tubes?"
pensive knowing laughter.
"It does."
"This is sort of loafing."
"Rather poor form of it."
"Serious loafer."
laughter.
"...where?"
"Marble steps warn down from years and years of traffic. Cold. Smooth. Top of the stairs--upper dorms that were no longer used. Best place to read in quiet."
"Get caught?"
Smiling, "Yes."
laughter.
"And?"
"Headmaster sat down. Recognized every book. Asked questions, challenged, demanded more."
"Serious loafer."
pause.
"No, just serious."
"...consequences?"
"Cleaned test tubes in the chem lab."
laughter.
"How many times did you clean test tubes?"
pensive knowing laughter.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
5 mins
5 minutes of galt's speech a day.
about a paragraph or two.
some notes. some questions.
cross-references triggered, needed.
5 minutes of sanity
5 minutes of grounding
2 minutes of potok. loving-kindness.
a means to an end different from rand.
but i imagine she would honor him,
"an honorable adversary."
from potok,
"All of us grow up in particular realities - a home, family, a clan, a small town, a neighborhood. Depending upon how we're brought up, we are either deeply aware of the particular reading of reality into which we are born, or we are peripherally aware of it."
"Well, one hopes that if you're really related to the core of your particular culture, you have profound commitments to it, and that you are aware of how much you can strain it before you do violence to its essential nature."
"Every man who has shown the world the way to beauty, to true culture, has been a rebel, a 'universal' without patriotism, without home, who has found his people everywhere."
"Come, let us have some tea and continue to talk about happy things."
about a paragraph or two.
some notes. some questions.
cross-references triggered, needed.
5 minutes of sanity
5 minutes of grounding
2 minutes of potok. loving-kindness.
a means to an end different from rand.
but i imagine she would honor him,
"an honorable adversary."
from potok,
"All of us grow up in particular realities - a home, family, a clan, a small town, a neighborhood. Depending upon how we're brought up, we are either deeply aware of the particular reading of reality into which we are born, or we are peripherally aware of it."
"Well, one hopes that if you're really related to the core of your particular culture, you have profound commitments to it, and that you are aware of how much you can strain it before you do violence to its essential nature."
"Every man who has shown the world the way to beauty, to true culture, has been a rebel, a 'universal' without patriotism, without home, who has found his people everywhere."
"Come, let us have some tea and continue to talk about happy things."
Monday, June 09, 2008
old stuff
IK. Marvel, "Dream Life".
Rereading.
Thinking much the same thoughts.
Reminding myself to find, "Reveries"
Rereading.
Thinking much the same thoughts.
Reminding myself to find, "Reveries"
Thursday, June 05, 2008
running the sahara
"What was the toughest moment in the whole 111 days?
Day 45 was supposed to be the halfway point of the expedition and we were 500 miles from the midpoint. I woke up at 4 a.m., same as every day, but it was the first time I lay in my sleeping bad for five minutes saying, Oh, my God. Is this realistic. Am I going to be able to do this?
The answers were,
No it's not realistic,
and yes,
I'm going to do it."
Day 45 was supposed to be the halfway point of the expedition and we were 500 miles from the midpoint. I woke up at 4 a.m., same as every day, but it was the first time I lay in my sleeping bad for five minutes saying, Oh, my God. Is this realistic. Am I going to be able to do this?
The answers were,
No it's not realistic,
and yes,
I'm going to do it."
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
quiet lessons
"Someday this war is gonna end."
a monumental day...
freddie's grades.
barak.
a very rational, "I'm done."
a monumental day...
freddie's grades.
barak.
a very rational, "I'm done."
Saturday, May 31, 2008
other voices
"Prometheus is action. Hamlet is hesitation. In Prometheus the obstacle is exterior; in Hamlet it is interior. In Prometheus the will is securely nailed down by nails of brass and cannot get loose; besides, it has by its side two watchers—Force and Power. In Hamlet the will is more tied down yet; it is bound by previous meditation—the endless chain of the undecided. Try to get out of yourself if you can! What a Gordian knot is our reverie. Slavery from within, that is slavery indeed. Scale this enclosure, “to dream!” escape, if you can, from this prison, “to love!” The only dungeon is that which walls conscience in. Prometheus, in order to be free, has but a bronze collar to break and a god to conquer; Hamlet must break and conquer himself. Prometheus can raise himself upright, if he only lifts a mountain; to raise himself up, Hamlet must lift his own thoughts. If Prometheus plucks the vulture from his breast, all is said; Hamlet must tear Hamlet from his breast. Prometheus and Hamlet are two naked livers; from one runs blood, from the other doubt."
"Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong."
"He broke fresh ground-because, and only because, he had the courage to go ahead without asking whether others were following or even understood. He had no need for the divided responsibility in which others seek to be safe from ridicule, because he had been granted a faith which required no confirmation-a contact with reality, light and intense like the touch of a loved hand: a union in self-surrender without self- destruction, where his heart was lucid and his mind was loving."
"He speaketh not; and yet there lies
A conversation in his eyes."
"Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong."
"He broke fresh ground-because, and only because, he had the courage to go ahead without asking whether others were following or even understood. He had no need for the divided responsibility in which others seek to be safe from ridicule, because he had been granted a faith which required no confirmation-a contact with reality, light and intense like the touch of a loved hand: a union in self-surrender without self- destruction, where his heart was lucid and his mind was loving."
"He speaketh not; and yet there lies
A conversation in his eyes."
Thursday, May 29, 2008
water memories
Riding over the San Mateo bridge....
26 years back I would be at sailing practice. Etchells in the spring and early summer on Manhasset Bay after a long (cold) winter of Penguin class racing. I remember the 45min bus ride home from Cathedral and thinking of the water, wishing for wind and hoping I wouldn't make the same mistakes.
Dropped home...blazer hung (demerits and lint involved), jumper jumped out of, peter pan collar tossed, penny loafers replaced with docksiders. And off to the water. 15 minute drive/lecture all about focus, strength, discipline..."learn to see through the sun", "there is no separation", "point", "quick--quick--quick", "did you work on your hand exercises?" (I would never get stronger or much faster. This would continue to haunt me in summer camp, 50' Catalina Morgan,...,ask me to swim from Tortola to Jost Van Dyke--no problem. Be on winch? err....) If practice went well and sun/conditions permitted, 505s. I would never master the skills required. Something didn't click--the sync-up...or just being too light, too weak, too something on the side of absence rather than presence. But I loved it. Intensely serious kid who relished/fought/tried conquering (?) the facts of reality. It just was. And somehow through all of the recognition of how poorly I executed there was a path somewhere into the future that was bright and filled with...some day. Some day would be many days of learning--persistence--silent emotionless frustration (yes, that's valid. perfect wasp behavior)...eventually, some day resolved itself and the fun of it all won out.
Fun...a common language.
Fun enough that I would take my mother sailing in Captiva, Hilton Head, etc. on winter breaks. She would comment, "This suits you." I don't know exactly what it is she meant, only I can't say I was puzzled either. "You could sail about the world, yes?" And for a moment...however brief, I remember my thinking, "But you do understand." (Mother=brilliant, beautiful, charming, extreme presence, extrovert. Child=serious, pensive, polite introvert.) Perhaps ocean everywhere changes the dynamics, essentializes the expectation and requirements, allows each to be as they are? Regardless, we had fun. Afterward, she made lots of new friends as usual. I watched quietly at attention...as usual.
Later heaps of fun and laughter with friends in Nantucket, Hamptons, Pelham, Newport, Provincetown. Lazy or torrid or perfect...fun.
Ten thousand waterless days later, after moving west, my 36th birthday. A serenely solitary sail on which I would experience sea sickness for the first time. It took me 11 months to admit it. I would never have admitted it but was concerned that it would be the same birthday present. Finally fessed up that I should never like to go through the same 7hrs again. Steve just stared at me...dumbfounded. And then we laughed and laughed until we cried because it was so ridiculous and silly. Every now again he'll look at me, shake his head, "You're ridiculous. I can't believe you suffered through 7hrs of hell. I thought you were finally relaxing."
26 years back I would be at sailing practice. Etchells in the spring and early summer on Manhasset Bay after a long (cold) winter of Penguin class racing. I remember the 45min bus ride home from Cathedral and thinking of the water, wishing for wind and hoping I wouldn't make the same mistakes.
Dropped home...blazer hung (demerits and lint involved), jumper jumped out of, peter pan collar tossed, penny loafers replaced with docksiders. And off to the water. 15 minute drive/lecture all about focus, strength, discipline..."learn to see through the sun", "there is no separation", "point", "quick--quick--quick", "did you work on your hand exercises?" (I would never get stronger or much faster. This would continue to haunt me in summer camp, 50' Catalina Morgan,...,ask me to swim from Tortola to Jost Van Dyke--no problem. Be on winch? err....) If practice went well and sun/conditions permitted, 505s. I would never master the skills required. Something didn't click--the sync-up...or just being too light, too weak, too something on the side of absence rather than presence. But I loved it. Intensely serious kid who relished/fought/tried conquering (?) the facts of reality. It just was. And somehow through all of the recognition of how poorly I executed there was a path somewhere into the future that was bright and filled with...some day. Some day would be many days of learning--persistence--silent emotionless frustration (yes, that's valid. perfect wasp behavior)...eventually, some day resolved itself and the fun of it all won out.
Fun...a common language.
Fun enough that I would take my mother sailing in Captiva, Hilton Head, etc. on winter breaks. She would comment, "This suits you." I don't know exactly what it is she meant, only I can't say I was puzzled either. "You could sail about the world, yes?" And for a moment...however brief, I remember my thinking, "But you do understand." (Mother=brilliant, beautiful, charming, extreme presence, extrovert. Child=serious, pensive, polite introvert.) Perhaps ocean everywhere changes the dynamics, essentializes the expectation and requirements, allows each to be as they are? Regardless, we had fun. Afterward, she made lots of new friends as usual. I watched quietly at attention...as usual.
Later heaps of fun and laughter with friends in Nantucket, Hamptons, Pelham, Newport, Provincetown. Lazy or torrid or perfect...fun.
Ten thousand waterless days later, after moving west, my 36th birthday. A serenely solitary sail on which I would experience sea sickness for the first time. It took me 11 months to admit it. I would never have admitted it but was concerned that it would be the same birthday present. Finally fessed up that I should never like to go through the same 7hrs again. Steve just stared at me...dumbfounded. And then we laughed and laughed until we cried because it was so ridiculous and silly. Every now again he'll look at me, shake his head, "You're ridiculous. I can't believe you suffered through 7hrs of hell. I thought you were finally relaxing."
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
smiley convos
"What's goin' on wit that?"
"What?"
"The Eddie Munster thingy."
Hard laughter of the very good spirited kind.
"I miss NY."
"No one gives you a hard time out there?"
"Not like this."
"Fix it already."
"I'll make a fashion call to the neuro."
More laughter.
"Look, they fixed the internal wiring but screwed with the esthetically pleasing part. Wrong."
and on and on it went.
heaps of laughter.
~~~~~
Eddie Munster and hairlines...hmm...laughing. I was going to post a side-by-side photo but he's cuter than me...so. giggling.
"What?"
"The Eddie Munster thingy."
Hard laughter of the very good spirited kind.
"I miss NY."
"No one gives you a hard time out there?"
"Not like this."
"Fix it already."
"I'll make a fashion call to the neuro."
More laughter.
"Look, they fixed the internal wiring but screwed with the esthetically pleasing part. Wrong."
and on and on it went.
heaps of laughter.
~~~~~
Eddie Munster and hairlines...hmm...laughing. I was going to post a side-by-side photo but he's cuter than me...so. giggling.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Ridiculous
the word rises and falls
rises and falls
again and again.
"ridiculous", "ridiculous", "ridiculous"...
and a haunting, a voice within
somewhere far deeper than "ridiculous".
echoing,
"live this life...", "live this life...", "live this life..."
because "ridiculous" doesn't matter.
it will never matter.
rises and falls
again and again.
"ridiculous", "ridiculous", "ridiculous"...
and a haunting, a voice within
somewhere far deeper than "ridiculous".
echoing,
"live this life...", "live this life...", "live this life..."
because "ridiculous" doesn't matter.
it will never matter.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
the bus
guy rolls-up on his skateboard. arms carved with words. african american. air force ones on his feet. bright green nike stripe. his knees a little shakey. but his face...the look on his face says, "nothing better than sunshine and this ride."
a guy in his early 30s is swinging about a long rope. curious stuff. martial arts thingy? new type of stretching...what is it? i don't need to know--but i want to know. he rides the same bus and happens to stand next to me as it pulls up.
"what is that?"
"fire dart."
"what is that?"
eyes bright, "have you ever seen performance art with fire?"
"yes.... is that what you do for a living?"
"no," he smiles. and then says, "I'm an actuary--I wish I could do this for a living."
i laugh light laughter. beaming, "that's awesome...that is awesome."
{the lives of data jockeys, ;-)}
everyday, the good citizens from divergent paths, bail someone out. bus driver barks, "$3.50". barks, "not my problem your translink card doesn't work". barks. and everyday we make sure our fellow rider gets to their destinatiion. we don't know one another...but we're not leaving anyone behind.
a guy in his early 30s is swinging about a long rope. curious stuff. martial arts thingy? new type of stretching...what is it? i don't need to know--but i want to know. he rides the same bus and happens to stand next to me as it pulls up.
"what is that?"
"fire dart."
"what is that?"
eyes bright, "have you ever seen performance art with fire?"
"yes.... is that what you do for a living?"
"no," he smiles. and then says, "I'm an actuary--I wish I could do this for a living."
i laugh light laughter. beaming, "that's awesome...that is awesome."
{the lives of data jockeys, ;-)}
everyday, the good citizens from divergent paths, bail someone out. bus driver barks, "$3.50". barks, "not my problem your translink card doesn't work". barks. and everyday we make sure our fellow rider gets to their destinatiion. we don't know one another...but we're not leaving anyone behind.
Monday, May 12, 2008
lunch reads
Integrity:
"In failures of integrity, then, what passes for weakness of will is, many times, actually weakness of vision. The person's "will" is weak because he does not fully appreciate the stakes. The person who lacks integrity often suffers from a self-imposed nearsightedness as he puts on blinders that shut out the larger context that would make clear to him why a certain course is wrong--how it would be bad for him. Integrity requires that a person focus on the big picture, actively calling to mind the full context and identifying the relationship between his immediate alternatives and his broader values as clearly and completely as he can. Integrity demands that a person invoke his principles and remind himself that they are his means of living; it is only by adherence to rational principles that a person can achieve happiness. Understanding the mechanism of integrity as largely a matter of vision reflects the view that values (and correlative virtues) reflect the factual relationships in which particular things stand to a person's life. Consequently, the more clearly a person grasps these relationships, the easier it will be to as a morality of rational self-interest requires. Indeed, for a person committed to his rational self-interest, seeing the facts is all the motivation he needs."
"In failures of integrity, then, what passes for weakness of will is, many times, actually weakness of vision. The person's "will" is weak because he does not fully appreciate the stakes. The person who lacks integrity often suffers from a self-imposed nearsightedness as he puts on blinders that shut out the larger context that would make clear to him why a certain course is wrong--how it would be bad for him. Integrity requires that a person focus on the big picture, actively calling to mind the full context and identifying the relationship between his immediate alternatives and his broader values as clearly and completely as he can. Integrity demands that a person invoke his principles and remind himself that they are his means of living; it is only by adherence to rational principles that a person can achieve happiness. Understanding the mechanism of integrity as largely a matter of vision reflects the view that values (and correlative virtues) reflect the factual relationships in which particular things stand to a person's life. Consequently, the more clearly a person grasps these relationships, the easier it will be to as a morality of rational self-interest requires. Indeed, for a person committed to his rational self-interest, seeing the facts is all the motivation he needs."
Sunday, May 11, 2008
support
From: Charters Harrison
To: joyisonesfuel
Sent: Saturday, May 10, 2008 10:13:39 AM
Subject: Re: hey
Hi there! Just had to comment on the most recent blog! Yes, my response would have been along the lines of option c), something more akin to "Holy lord almighty. I'm screwed." Hey, I'd be happy to drive the beer cart, I mean, the water and nutritional supplement cart, and follow you guys!!
....
l,
c
To: joyisonesfuel
Sent: Saturday, May 10, 2008 10:13:39 AM
Subject: Re: hey
Hi there! Just had to comment on the most recent blog! Yes, my response would have been along the lines of option c), something more akin to "Holy lord almighty. I'm screwed." Hey, I'd be happy to drive the beer cart, I mean, the water and nutritional supplement cart, and follow you guys!!
....
l,
c
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Five
baseline run this morning to figure out where i am...no goal...just go. 5 miles in just over an hour. slow, but a start.
the magic has begun.
or maybe all those redbulls have really given me some wings.
the magic has begun.
or maybe all those redbulls have really given me some wings.
Friday, May 09, 2008
26.2
From: "steve.ansell@comcast.net"
To: joyisonesfuel@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, May 9, 2008 9:18:32 AM
Subject: Disneython
We're in baby! Start getting ready for the happiest 26.2 miles on earth! By the way, if you decide you want to do the Disneyland 1/2 Marathon (LA), it is at the end of August. It is a week after my 100-miler so it would be a good "recovery run" for me :-)
Here's a good textual description of the Disney World course on someone's blog:
http://www.arunnersblog.com/the-2008-walt-disney-world-marathon/
-S
From: "steve.ansell@comcast.net"
To: joyisonesfuel@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, May 9, 2008 3:59:39 PM
Subject: Your marathon plan
If you want a peek at what I am thinking about in terms of a training plan for you, this is the site:
http://www.halhigdon.com/marathon/Mar00novice.htm
It's an 18-week program and I am thinking of a sort of modified version of it. To the letter, this plan would have you starting in September. However, you also should be able to run 5-6 miles easily before starting this and I have no doubt that you will get there LONG before September. Also, I want to integrate in the Disneyland 1/2 marathon in August if you think you want to do that.
The first step is to get you back into running routine. The plan is to target 4-days a week to start with probably only running on 3 of them at the very beginning (i.e. NOW). This would be Tue,Thu,Sat,Sun with the flexibility to switch Tue or Thu to Wed if needed. I'd like to keep Mon and Fri as rest days since that will be necessary later. I think you can get up to 5-6 mile runs in a month or so given your past fitness. After that we can use the first part of the marathon plan for the 1/2. Then take a short break and follow the rest of the plan through the end of the year allowing some "slop" to handle contingencies.
OK, so now the big question, what's your reaction?
a) "Sounds great!"
b) "Uh...err..whatever."
c) "Oh, good lord, I've unleashed a monster!"
d) Some combination of the above
:-) :-) XX OO XX (-: (-:
-S
zane says, option e) brilliant. option c) sounds like Charters! And looking at the time stamp differences between mails, I am really hoping you aren't obsessing over this...giggling.
To: joyisonesfuel@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, May 9, 2008 9:18:32 AM
Subject: Disneython
We're in baby! Start getting ready for the happiest 26.2 miles on earth! By the way, if you decide you want to do the Disneyland 1/2 Marathon (LA), it is at the end of August. It is a week after my 100-miler so it would be a good "recovery run" for me :-)
Here's a good textual description of the Disney World course on someone's blog:
http://www.arunnersblog.com/the-2008-walt-disney-world-marathon/
-S
From: "steve.ansell@comcast.net"
To: joyisonesfuel@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, May 9, 2008 3:59:39 PM
Subject: Your marathon plan
If you want a peek at what I am thinking about in terms of a training plan for you, this is the site:
http://www.halhigdon.com/marathon/Mar00novice.htm
It's an 18-week program and I am thinking of a sort of modified version of it. To the letter, this plan would have you starting in September. However, you also should be able to run 5-6 miles easily before starting this and I have no doubt that you will get there LONG before September. Also, I want to integrate in the Disneyland 1/2 marathon in August if you think you want to do that.
The first step is to get you back into running routine. The plan is to target 4-days a week to start with probably only running on 3 of them at the very beginning (i.e. NOW). This would be Tue,Thu,Sat,Sun with the flexibility to switch Tue or Thu to Wed if needed. I'd like to keep Mon and Fri as rest days since that will be necessary later. I think you can get up to 5-6 mile runs in a month or so given your past fitness. After that we can use the first part of the marathon plan for the 1/2. Then take a short break and follow the rest of the plan through the end of the year allowing some "slop" to handle contingencies.
OK, so now the big question, what's your reaction?
a) "Sounds great!"
b) "Uh...err..whatever."
c) "Oh, good lord, I've unleashed a monster!"
d) Some combination of the above
:-) :-) XX OO XX (-: (-:
-S
zane says, option e) brilliant. option c) sounds like Charters! And looking at the time stamp differences between mails, I am really hoping you aren't obsessing over this...giggling.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
not belonging
"It's a luxury to look like that."
"Sir?"
"It's a luxury."
"Pardon--"
"To look like you do. Your smile. It's a luxury."
I'm certain my face changed from curiousity to a sad puzzlement.
Atlanta could not be home.
"Sir?"
"It's a luxury."
"Pardon--"
"To look like you do. Your smile. It's a luxury."
I'm certain my face changed from curiousity to a sad puzzlement.
Atlanta could not be home.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Saturday, May 03, 2008
yesterday
i stopped and smelled the roses....
do it.
lean in.
close your eyes.
inhale....
when you open your eyes
you might just see
it raining petals.
do it.
lean in.
close your eyes.
inhale....
when you open your eyes
you might just see
it raining petals.
Friday, May 02, 2008
all the days to come
you looked at me.
my green-eyed boy.
with that pensive closed mouth bright eyed smile.
"zane, we're going to be really cute old people."
a statement.
a precious one.
my green-eyed boy.
with that pensive closed mouth bright eyed smile.
"zane, we're going to be really cute old people."
a statement.
a precious one.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
"and so it is...
...just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time...."
you think
you convince yourself
you're not feeling well
and you go home
and you rest
and your cats surround you
and on the tube,
"The Pianist"
and you think...
and thereafter,
"Life is Beautiful"
and you know...
you're not even close
to not feeling well.
you're just wimping out.
good coincidences and snapping out of it--
life goes easy on me
most of the time...."
you think
you convince yourself
you're not feeling well
and you go home
and you rest
and your cats surround you
and on the tube,
"The Pianist"
and you think...
and thereafter,
"Life is Beautiful"
and you know...
you're not even close
to not feeling well.
you're just wimping out.
good coincidences and snapping out of it--
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
stepping back
steve informed me a few weeks back that the US Postal service is obsolete--privatize. i said, "here we go". and we laughed. his explanation...it hasn't changed..."some young guy wants to take over the market and...",. i can't help myself, "no one is stopping him". the conversation turns to the postage stamp. and we laugh--and laugh--and laugh. "tyranny" leaks into the conversation, "didn't we start this country by overthrowing the postage stamp?" not quite. but the story sticks, doesn't it?
steve informed me last evening that there are five steps in making a cup of hot chocolate. i think i just looked at him dumbfounded. "are you kidding me?" and he rolled right into his explanation. not much different from the appropriate way to make a cup of tea...but not so american really. (postage stamp theme...the legacy of things that we carry forward).
a few months back while i was on my way out to the bus. steve woke and said,"i was having a weird dream. you were getting ready for work and robin mead was skinny dipping". it's difficult to laugh that hard when you are waking up, but he did (we did). "i think you need to go back and finish that dream." and with a kiss good-bye i was off.
freddie walked in while i was reading and steve was watching his favorite show, "the big bang theory". i don't remember the characters names, but there is a tall guy who is extremely pedantic and all that goes with that type of mind. he ordered a sandwich, but was upset because the order of the meat, cheese, lettuce, etc was incorrect. freddie happened to walk in at the same time i was losing it pointing at steve. "rewind, rewind, rewind". freddie laughs at us. he finds this stuff incredibly fun and i believe uses it as material to amuse his friends. steve finally rewinds after informing us again and again, "there's a really good reason he was that order". we watch the scene again. freddie laughs and laughs and laughs. he says, "you would do that." more laughter. steve as steve says, "wait, let's hear the explanation." and so this character goes on to explain that the order of the ingredients is important because the cheese acts as a barrier between the bread and the lettuce so the bread does not get soggy." steve is victorious. only in the realm of normal--where this order of things isn't even a consideration, there is a flaw. the mustard and mayo are not solids...they are put on the bread and therefore it's just an issue of how much moisture--not the moisture itself.
i think...i know these are the most incredible small things in the world. i wish i had their laughter on tape, the poking, the prodding, the upmanship, the joy. i try to keep it fresh in my mind--this peace and rightness in my world. all the details. the interaction of their neurons firing in every direction at once. to be a part of it--how lucky is that?
very lucky.
incredibly lucky.
steve informed me last evening that there are five steps in making a cup of hot chocolate. i think i just looked at him dumbfounded. "are you kidding me?" and he rolled right into his explanation. not much different from the appropriate way to make a cup of tea...but not so american really. (postage stamp theme...the legacy of things that we carry forward).
a few months back while i was on my way out to the bus. steve woke and said,"i was having a weird dream. you were getting ready for work and robin mead was skinny dipping". it's difficult to laugh that hard when you are waking up, but he did (we did). "i think you need to go back and finish that dream." and with a kiss good-bye i was off.
freddie walked in while i was reading and steve was watching his favorite show, "the big bang theory". i don't remember the characters names, but there is a tall guy who is extremely pedantic and all that goes with that type of mind. he ordered a sandwich, but was upset because the order of the meat, cheese, lettuce, etc was incorrect. freddie happened to walk in at the same time i was losing it pointing at steve. "rewind, rewind, rewind". freddie laughs at us. he finds this stuff incredibly fun and i believe uses it as material to amuse his friends. steve finally rewinds after informing us again and again, "there's a really good reason he was that order". we watch the scene again. freddie laughs and laughs and laughs. he says, "you would do that." more laughter. steve as steve says, "wait, let's hear the explanation." and so this character goes on to explain that the order of the ingredients is important because the cheese acts as a barrier between the bread and the lettuce so the bread does not get soggy." steve is victorious. only in the realm of normal--where this order of things isn't even a consideration, there is a flaw. the mustard and mayo are not solids...they are put on the bread and therefore it's just an issue of how much moisture--not the moisture itself.
i think...i know these are the most incredible small things in the world. i wish i had their laughter on tape, the poking, the prodding, the upmanship, the joy. i try to keep it fresh in my mind--this peace and rightness in my world. all the details. the interaction of their neurons firing in every direction at once. to be a part of it--how lucky is that?
very lucky.
incredibly lucky.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
made it to the finals
game 2 - hoosiers
game 3 - hoosiers
game 4 - hoosiers
game 5 - hoosiers
game 6 - the final - martin brothers select
good showing for their second tourney
game 3 - hoosiers
game 4 - hoosiers
game 5 - hoosiers
game 6 - the final - martin brothers select
good showing for their second tourney
Saturday, April 26, 2008
intensity level
watching.
the intensity.
flying through the key.
hand above the rim.
the one handed take down.
constant motion.
full use of the court.
defensive anticipation.
passes that take difficult paths
arriving to fulfill the goal.
all good.
the best.
this intensity.
game 1 - hoosiers
the intensity.
flying through the key.
hand above the rim.
the one handed take down.
constant motion.
full use of the court.
defensive anticipation.
passes that take difficult paths
arriving to fulfill the goal.
all good.
the best.
this intensity.
game 1 - hoosiers
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Far away lunches
There are people you can walk for hours with and never say a word. Pauses. Eye contact and a sense of being completely understood. I rarely wish for lunch to be spent with anyone other than myself. The one time of day when there is nothing but time...to chill...to be...stare at the blue sky or the passersby...wonder about the homeless guy outside.
But what if. What if you had someone who demanded the right stuff? Who wasn't satisfied with what's on the surface...because they say, "There are enough hollow souls--don't you think?"
An edgy sort of intelligence.
The kind that lingers.
A fierceness that plays all the right games...and suffers all the associated pains.
And the solace they find is in their opposite.
We joke about conversion. Glory and rising. There is a seriousness that leaks out. A message. It's not lost, but it's not acknowledged. No sanction granted. I wonder if such slips are a seek and destroy sort of maneuver. An undertone, a challenge, a "everyone has a weak spot".
Am I amused?
Saddened?
Curious?
"Would you stop that!"
Simultaneous laughter.
"When you lunch with someone--you speak. That's what people do."
True. And unfair. This thinking silence.
But it's not hollow. It's ever present.
But what if. What if you had someone who demanded the right stuff? Who wasn't satisfied with what's on the surface...because they say, "There are enough hollow souls--don't you think?"
An edgy sort of intelligence.
The kind that lingers.
A fierceness that plays all the right games...and suffers all the associated pains.
And the solace they find is in their opposite.
We joke about conversion. Glory and rising. There is a seriousness that leaks out. A message. It's not lost, but it's not acknowledged. No sanction granted. I wonder if such slips are a seek and destroy sort of maneuver. An undertone, a challenge, a "everyone has a weak spot".
Am I amused?
Saddened?
Curious?
"Would you stop that!"
Simultaneous laughter.
"When you lunch with someone--you speak. That's what people do."
True. And unfair. This thinking silence.
But it's not hollow. It's ever present.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Friends of friends
I try not to go there. People say, "You would really like my friend...." And I listen. I wonder. But I don't want to be part of something broader, a web of sorts made of weak linkages.
They can be invaluable. But these associations don't attract me. Smile at all those you meet. Be kind. Yes. But allow time to be demanded of you by others for things outside of your values. No. Time spent on alliances rather than ideas? I'm convinced that I am incapable of such a thing.
And with friends of friends--that's often it. There is this quality about the people you love--your friends--that is absolutely sacred. You pass through each others minds, you walk for hours in silence, you look at some *thing* and simultaneously laugh wildly, or in wide-eyed wonder, or drop tears. You reflect one another. But friends of friends don't necessarily reflect the same particular essence.
Perhaps it's some other part of your friends personality that builds the bridge to the 3rd party. In my experience, this this often the case. When I hear those words, "you should really meet...". I smile the smile. I am curious. I am certain that the connection will not be there. And I respond, "Sure."
But sometimes I am absolutely incorrect.
Today, not certain why, I read through a friend of friend's myspace. His intro, in response to the question, "Who I'd like to meet?", he wrote, "sleeves with hearts on them. wills who throw caution to the wind. vulnerable egos. fearless flyers. long distance runners. hearts split wide open. available emotions. accountable actions. inward gazers. muscles flexible enough to twist into pretzels. fondly thought of ex-es. "
And I continued to read. Followed some links. And read some more.
And I will keep reading tonight.
Perhaps in the future, when someone says the words, "You should meet...", I will query for a web address and walk their lives for a bit. Is that fair? My gut says, "No." But as this person wrote, "fuck. why do i have to be a spitter instead of a swallower? haha! i've been thinking of using that analogy for a while. why can't i just be happy sucking it up and making a good living? why does there have to be the idea that there is more?"
Because there is more.
There will always be more.
They can be invaluable. But these associations don't attract me. Smile at all those you meet. Be kind. Yes. But allow time to be demanded of you by others for things outside of your values. No. Time spent on alliances rather than ideas? I'm convinced that I am incapable of such a thing.
And with friends of friends--that's often it. There is this quality about the people you love--your friends--that is absolutely sacred. You pass through each others minds, you walk for hours in silence, you look at some *thing* and simultaneously laugh wildly, or in wide-eyed wonder, or drop tears. You reflect one another. But friends of friends don't necessarily reflect the same particular essence.
Perhaps it's some other part of your friends personality that builds the bridge to the 3rd party. In my experience, this this often the case. When I hear those words, "you should really meet...". I smile the smile. I am curious. I am certain that the connection will not be there. And I respond, "Sure."
But sometimes I am absolutely incorrect.
Today, not certain why, I read through a friend of friend's myspace. His intro, in response to the question, "Who I'd like to meet?", he wrote, "sleeves with hearts on them. wills who throw caution to the wind. vulnerable egos. fearless flyers. long distance runners. hearts split wide open. available emotions. accountable actions. inward gazers. muscles flexible enough to twist into pretzels. fondly thought of ex-es. "
And I continued to read. Followed some links. And read some more.
And I will keep reading tonight.
Perhaps in the future, when someone says the words, "You should meet...", I will query for a web address and walk their lives for a bit. Is that fair? My gut says, "No." But as this person wrote, "fuck. why do i have to be a spitter instead of a swallower? haha! i've been thinking of using that analogy for a while. why can't i just be happy sucking it up and making a good living? why does there have to be the idea that there is more?"
Because there is more.
There will always be more.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
no hero in the sky
On the playground, there is always a child who loves to do that thing she can't. But it doesn't matter--she does it anway. Whether skipping or monkey bars or playing tag knowing she will always be "it"--she does it anyway. She is...enamoured by the sensation of being in that moment. She loves it. Unconciously craves its existence--its rightness.
In the sandbox
Once...maybe twice...
Maybe every now and again
She still tries to dig to China
In the sandbox
Once...maybe twice...
Maybe every now and again
She still tries to dig to China
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
learning
i watched a man
he must have been in his 40s
learning to skip rope
for the first time
and it was awesome
he laughed like he was four
he jumped too soon
then too late
and he laughed
and laughed
and laughed
he must have been in his 40s
learning to skip rope
for the first time
and it was awesome
he laughed like he was four
he jumped too soon
then too late
and he laughed
and laughed
and laughed
Thursday, April 10, 2008
affirm human potential
"an actively sustained process of identifying one's impressions in conceptual terms, of integrating every event, and every observation into a conceptual context, of grasping relationships, differences, similarities in one's perceptual material and abstracting them into new concepts, of drawing new inferences, of making deductions, of reaching conclusions, of asking new questions and discovering new answers and expanding one's knowledge into an ever growing sum."
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
intersections
you rang, "lunch with me"
pause, "not today"
"did i say today?"
laughing, "no". and i am reminded of nik and his ever present nikness-quickness.
"so, ja, lunch then--when?"
"plans are never good--i am compelled to flake. human interaction and all that."
"give you 24hrs to prepare."
these intersection points.
the force of personalities.
and wants, wishes--you might say needs.
but this type of lunch
this is the invisible embrace
with long silences
where genuine smiles rule.
pause, "not today"
"did i say today?"
laughing, "no". and i am reminded of nik and his ever present nikness-quickness.
"so, ja, lunch then--when?"
"plans are never good--i am compelled to flake. human interaction and all that."
"give you 24hrs to prepare."
these intersection points.
the force of personalities.
and wants, wishes--you might say needs.
but this type of lunch
this is the invisible embrace
with long silences
where genuine smiles rule.
"Live the questions"
"If we are to survive in the environment we have made ourselves, may we have to be monstrous enough to greet our predicament?"
"It is the everything making sense that is so unbearable?"
--mosley
or are those statments rather than questions....
"It is the everything making sense that is so unbearable?"
--mosley
or are those statments rather than questions....
"Live the questions"
"If we are to survive in the environment we have made ourselves, may we have to be monstrous enough to greet our predicament?"
"It is the everything making sense that is so unbearable."
--mosley
"It is the everything making sense that is so unbearable."
--mosley
Monday, April 07, 2008
Thursday, April 03, 2008
ja rule - where i'm from
thinking of mosely, "what are hopeful monsters?"
and the idea of "mutations...."
i can't help but laugh
there are some things we can't become
it is what we already are
and the idea of "mutations...."
i can't help but laugh
there are some things we can't become
it is what we already are
