...wiser…less stubborn…a better listener.

My mind wanders…books to read…finding images to understand. Some things shout out loudly—“yes, that is how I feel”. Other things pass by without a second thought as if they are alien and not in the realm of my emotions. Mental monsters looking…this is what one calls suffering I think—it is like being a teenager again with a mass of questions that one is sure will never be answered and thus convinced that there are no answers. Frustration, rage, anger, sorrow, sadness, grief, suffering and guilt. And just beyond that, when I breathe deeply are the happy images. The memories of letters I received at summer camp, of the acknowledgement that wanting to be an astronaut was never lost on my mother—nor was it ridiculous (I still want to be an astronaut), of dance recitals and matching outfits, of sailing and long road trips. It’s the little things…the nuances…a merging of sorts between parent and child. Much like finishing another’s sentence or seeing something in the same way that causes prolonged and deep laughter. It is these things…that bring me back to the balance. That all of this—predictable and unexpected—this is the journey and it continues. My mother used to tell me and I think it was her mantra for many years, “All of this is preparation.” In moments when things were terribly down, she would change it to, “This is my punishment and I must learn to endure.” And when things were good, “I am learning. I am learning.” The golden mean…that middle ground, that balance being “preparation”. A life of attuning oneself to the possibilities and probabilities—of never being too serious to lock out hope and never too reckless to stamp out life sustaining actions.

My mind wanders…I wish I had been wiser…less stubborn…a better listener.

A book to read: Upheavals of Thought: What is it to grieve for the death of a parent? More literary and experiential than other philosopical works on emotion, Upheavals of Thought will engage the reader who has ever stopped to ask that question. Emotions such as grief, fear, anger and love seem to be alien forces that disturb our thoughts and plans. Yet they also embody some of our deepest thoughts--about the importance of the people we love, about the vulnerability of our bodies and our plans to events beyond our control.


And a prayer to live by (?): Talmud: Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.

"the luxury of doing nothing"

I have slept more in the last couple of days than I have all summer. Much needed rest. Downtime. "Vegging" and learning to breathe. I'm completely stressing myself out...but also "getting it".

My preference for being alone, few attachments and little engagement in others lives is totally not commensurate to dealing with everything going on. It is amazing the number of things you need to do--how social one has to be--constant vigilance and responding to correspondence of all types...and just then all the legal stuff. Looking back on this past week, it's clear why I lack focus, direction and have slept little.

Steve recommended going to Ashland, OR for a long weekend. Take in a few plays, go hiking, camp out under the stars and chill-out. Nothing but just being without any distractions...except some laughter, theatre and some good food. It's not resonating--but I should go and that was my response--and we both laughed. Seeing through you're own particular mayhem realizing that you should take action in spite of your mood. Far healthier to live than to stew.

Images

Life time of images . . . found some great ones. My mother is the child in the first picture with her half sister. In the second picture she is the one on the left with the hat on--wonderful! I was on a bit of a mission last evening looking for pics of Okiremute, a young man who was a ray of sunshine for my mother. I spent a couple of hours going through a large box . . . the second to last set I found her "boys" and hopefully these are the pics I was searching for.

I found some great shots along the way. The best pics are from when she is about nine nd then the next set is sometime in her 30s. The grin in some, the subdued smile in others...we differe here...most of my pics are pensive looking and non-smiling or a that deer in the headlights thing going on. My mother knew how to pose--how to turn on a smile--to not give away the questions marks residing in her head.

The DVD project is beginning to excite me...now just to learn how to do a digital photo collection in a manner in which she we would more than approve.

Onward...slowly.

What you don't know

Dinner last night. Total trip. Good and bad. Wondering how what I have learnt merges with her writing….

I read the words over and over again…the loneliness, the lack of people being able to really see through the exterior. To die from loneliness, to having never really felt loved, to never feeling secure that someone in the world—anyone really understood you. This is all of us at one time or another in our life, no? But to feel it everyday, to wonder and struggle through a second skin that questions the value of your existence—what is it to live there and to see nothing other than that?

How much do we allow ourselves to see into another’s life? How far do we permit ourselves to look, to know, to empathize and be there? How much of our expectations impacts our vision of others yet protects us into inaction?

And what if it was never the way you assumed it to be? …chilling to the core.

Reservations else chicken nuggets

"It's all in how you react. This determines the quality of your life."

I find this to be more than true. If the critical eye is on constant alert, then surely it will be a life of frustration. If the eyes are attuned to being openned just a bit wider,
the opportunity differs...the emotions perhaps similar but the processing of and the actions one take very much different.

A friend at work told me about "reservations and chicken nuggets". If you plan, the opportunity is reservations at a great restaurant, else it's chicken nuggets. I love this for the workplace, where there are innumerable moving parts and communication really is in timing and dealing with the unforeseen obstacles in relation to coordination. In the sphere of our personal lives I am not so sure this is always the best mode of being.

Steve and I on a whim attended our community theatre production of Totally Modern Millie. It was performed by high school and college students. We enjoyed it immensely. It was a chicken nuggets situation--and it rocked.

After everything, there a couple of changes I see emerging. There are things I have put off that I threw into a schedule. There are people I haven't spoken to in years that I'd like to have an understanding of how their lives are going. There is an odd attunement to things I have probably seen for years but never really looked at or allowed my mind to wander through the connected memories.

The key: don't let it fade, learn from it, integrate it...it's the gentle gift of being that much more in this life rather than comfortably insulating oneself from the experience.

Pics of the boys...giggle

All in a months time--

Fly from San Fran to Pitt…backpacking nixed…
drive from Pitt to upstate NY…talk to strangers…
drive to Long Island…see relatives…
drive back upstate…wander through a lifetime of stuff…
drive to Louisville…hang-out…catch-up on 13 years absence…
drive to Wyoming…pull over—amazing stars…sleep for a few hours…
onward to Fremont…home for a couple of days….
get on a plane to Orlando…watch basketball games…
drive to Captiva…swim, collect shells, remember…
drive back to Orlando…
get on a plane to Seattle…work for a few days…
back to Fremont.

I was supposed to be driving Jefferson to Tuscon tomorrow and then from Tuscon was supposed to meet friends in Vegas.

To quote, “Who does this?”

Aura color

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

Flower type

You Are a Blue Flower

A blue flower tends to represent peace, openness, and balance. At times, you are very delicate like a cornflower. And at other times, you are wise like an iris. And more than you wish, you're a little cold, like a blue hydrangea.

What Color Flower Are You?

Looking forward

...to returning home, to familiar things and to attending to some of the more basic things one should.

"Steady-state" and I wonder if such a thing exists. It is a highly adopted phrase here and yet I am not certain it has been achieved in even a minor way. Directionally it does seem like within a few weeks, the pace and focus will differ.

All things in time.

Seattle

Tired.

Game 3 & 4

Game 3...32 turnovers...lost.
Game 4...pretty much like Game 3...mentally not there...lost.

They are playing Game 5 right now and hopefully the outcome will be better. If not, the consequences aren't too bad...2 days at Disney instead of one....But I know they would prefer to win.

After the game yesterday Steve and I drove to Captiva. Was incredible to revisit South Seas...to sort of soak up and revisit a place I spent very happy memories with my mother. I walked the beach and picked up shells...my mother always searched for the "perfect shell" and never found it. I think I found one yesterday...but I imagine it was perfect because something was still very much alive inside. I tossed it into the water and continued to wander. It was a great day.





In Seattle now...exhausted...but looking forward to wandering through the galleries.

Game 2

Second win...this one by 30. The game this afternoon is the last of pool play and should prove to be most difficult. We play a team in the Bay Area that has a similar style to this St. Louis team and we should be able to prevail with a bit of offensive discipline and very strong defense. It's a toss-up...not sure of what the outcome will be.

Game 1

Freddie's team won their first game and they all seemed very proud of their effort. Some of the teams are huge, kids who are 14 and 6'8". Other teams are small but have a lot of fight to them. I wish I was in the state of mind that could retain a focus on the finer qualities of being 14...sort of transport myself back to that time and know hierarchically what is most important. I often feeling like I am missing some of the little things that may have great importance. They play a team today that may give them some trouble, but I think with diligence they will come out on top.

The resort is great...seven swimming pools and near the parks. I have no desire to go to Disney anything or Sea World or Universal. The lines, the masses of people, maybe the memories from childhood...unknown. Just no energy to deal with it. I still want to head to Captiva...and hopefully can do so on Friday or Saturday although I wonder if it's too soon.

I'm short on patience. Cocooning for a lack of a better term. Angry, distant, needy and laughing at my self analysis...but I guess it's somewhat normal...and maybe not. It's difficult to just "be", to just sit here with this mix of emotions...and yet it is what it is. "Move through it, move through it." Err...months of this??? And I don't think there is a way to reduce the cycle time in this kind of thing.