Pseudo schedule

SFO to London to Shannon to Galway...hang out for a few days, catch a wedding, check out the pubs, take in the sights, walk along the bay and then head to County Clare, Limerick, County Kerry, if we are super motivated take in Dublin for a day...back to Shannon to London to Stockholm to Malmo to Copenhagen to Oslo to Bergen...seee the fjords, drink some serious coffee, take amazing photos, learn a little of the local vernacular...to Haugesund to London...catch a play, pick-up silly knick-knacks, sleep and next day head back to SFO.

Between Stockholm and Bergen the concrete plan is non-existent, but the beginning and end...solid. It's a start.

this

"this is not a story
this is not a dream
this is your life"

Freddie is ranked in Northern California...pretty cool. He found it inspiring and was impressed with his counterparts. He knows most of the other kids from tournaments and feels it is a sound competitive bunch. Hopefully this is the year of ball handling skills. He begins working out one-on-one with two different people next week. He seems very dedicated to taking his game to the next level telling his coach that he wants to be a nationally ranked player.

I have changed my plans a bit for the second week. Fly from London into Oslo and then take the train toward Bergen, stopover in Flam and take the rail there. Go onto Bergen and then take day trips through the Fjords for a couple of days and then head down toward Denmark to Copenhagen and then fly back to London. Not certain of anything yet, but looks like Norway is definitely one stop. Scotland will have to wait....

Basics

Received the first e-mail from Jefferson. He sounds good and focussed. Independence does the mind good.

Work is at a standstill. Haven't picked up an old project as I am off for two weeks. Whoa! But think I will be very well rested upon my return and hopefully will have a fresh perspective on how things can be improved.

Steve wandered in at half three this morning...another build...few more weeks and his work should settle a bit. I think the week away for him is more than needed.

"Come out from behind the clouds,
And shine!"

Gratitude For When Things Do Work Well

"Things don’t always work as we would want them to. Machines break down. People don’t remember to do what they said they would. Stores run out of things, and sometimes they are closed when they were scheduled to be open. Letters we were supposed to receive aren’t always delivered on time. Messages are not always given to us. The amount of things that don’t work out the way they usually do is enormous.

How will your emotional reaction be towards these types of occurrences? It’s up to you.

Some people choose to be frustrated and disappointed. They feel stress and distress. They lack a feeling of well-being.

A master of gratitude will use all occurrences to gain greater mastery over gratitude. Each time something doesn’t work out the way they would want it to, they remember to feel grateful for all the times that things do work out well. This pattern of thinking gives them feelings of happiness and joy.

When a machine breaks down, they are happy for all the times when this and other machines do work. If someone doesn’t remember to do what he said he would, they are grateful for all the times this person did remember. And they are grateful for other people remembering to do what they said they would. When stores run out of things, it’s a reminder to be grateful for all the times this store and other stores had the things that you needed and wanted. A message not given is a reminder to be more careful to give over messages yourself, and to be grateful for all the messages that you did receive. A letter not received on time is a reminder to be grateful for all the letters you did receive on time. All the many things that don’t work out the way they usually do, are reminders to be grateful for all multitude of things that do work out.

A person who integrates this pattern will live a life of gratitude and happiness." Rabbi Zelig Pliskin

Tired

Jefferson is settled in at college...misses his room at home, but knows that he will adjust. Hopefully his classes are challenging and enjoyable--hopefully he finds his niche quickly and learns to explore things that may on the surface not seem his cup of tea. Will be interesting to see if there is any change come October.

Freddie's tournament this weekend was interesting from the mental persepective. There is an intensity developing in him...a want of a dream and a willingness to put in the effort to achieve it. He is feeling a gap between himself and others--very self-aware of what he needs to be doing, of how he needs to commit, of how difficult this choice of wanting to play D1 ball is. I am glad to see this in him, but wonder if it is too much at 13...integrate lots of fun inbetween workouts, make sure we workout with him, make sure he feels supported 100% and that he feels he can kvetch when he needs to.

This week back on an old project, looking forward to the monotony of research. Next week off to Ireland. A few days in Galway, Dublin, London, and then me onward to Scotland and then it appears Bergen, Norway and the Fjords. Seems manageable in the short time I will have. Then back to concentrated effort and finishing up my second Six Sigma project.

Last passages

Every beginning is difficult. I imagine tomorrow morning to be a welcome mayhem. Confusion and chaos, excitement and a bit of drama. What emotions will Jefferson show, where will the lines be drawn, will he distance himself immediately or will he cling...unknown. The typical Jefferson will cling, but the excitement of all of this will be overwhelming. To begin...to get started...to be in this phase of one's life.

I welcome the drive tonight, the dark, the stars. I welcome the trip home a bit more. Time to think. Solitude.

A sense of things

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." Rilke

I imagine the next few weeks will be filled with the unaswered questions...a sense of things only.

Rest

leisure time
rest
no worries

I head to Tuscon on Wednesday evening with Jefferson. I think I have faced a number of the emotions that a parent feels already. A sense of worry, a sense of accomplishment, a wondering how he will be in six months--if the change in him will be visible. I worry about the regular external influences...will he remain true to his core, will he recognize both his strengths and weaknesses--and the best course of action in relation to each...will he embrace his fears and learn from it--work through it--be the person he is capable of being. And I think how I will miss him, of the choices Steve and I made in changing the direction of our lives in order to make the four of us a family. A different kind of adventure than I ever imagined...and one I will miss terribly.

We go to Ireland at month end...spend a week there, and Steve will head home. I am staying on an additional week, planning (altho this may change on the fly) to ferry to Scotland, see Edinburgh, take another ferry to Amsterdam or perhaps Oslo or Stockholm. Something about remaining afloat--perhaps six week indoors has me craving a cold grey misty wind on my face...or perhaps that image represents the sadness I feel in relation to Jefferson--a form of tears that one does not cry...a happy sadness of sorts if that makes any sense.

Begin running again this week and hiking. Welcome the Arizona heat and some of the trails. Back on schedule...more personal time...finish the new Harry Potter book...see some friends that have wondered if I really exist anymore and respond to e-mails over a month old. Do others understand the drive, the passion, the want in terms of one's work...when I look back it is not the detail of the project, but the quality of doing the thing that others said could not be done...not to prove them wrong, but to prove concretely that things exist and can be illustrated quantitatively; that dependence on whim, assertion is not required nor desired--

Errr back on work...circular....Jefferson...work...Jefferson...work...lol...

It will be good get away...to be far removed from the familiar and intensity of work and home. To feel and be in the moment, independent physically and very in tune with preparing myself for the next few months and looking at other opportunities that are appearing before me.

Tomorrow...car service...Tiffanys (o, the blue box and barbie dolls...how I remember them both so clearly from a young age)...and a long walk in the sun!!! A very long walk outside, very very very long walk.

All nighter

It has been a long time since the last all nighter related to work. One day in May, another last fall and then prior to that I can't remember. The final product of six intense weeks...seems like a year...six weeks and many things uncovered yet unresolved. There is an emptiness--an 'if only' we had more time...but we don't. This is what we were given and we have busted our butts to make it the best possible with the resources available. Aimee and I have worked everyday for six weeks at a minimum of 12hrs per day...upward of 18 on most. But it has been an incredible experience--leaving my eyes just a bit brighter than been before.

Jaime, a good friend at work has the following quote hanging in his cube. I think it is fitting because it describes a person at rest, a person who made faced the thing they thought they could not do and met it head on...

Litany of Fear

Fear is the mind-killer

Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

ANd when it has gone past me, I will turn to see Fear's path.

Where the Fear as gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

Jefferson heads to college in a week. Bridget gets married in a week. Ruaidhri and Aine get married in three weeks. New beginnings. l'chaim!

Choice & Action

"Our ability to change the world
lies in our hands, minds, hearts, bodies, and spirits ~ committed in action.
It's not only that we can make a difference,
it's that we do make the difference.
The kind of change we make is up to us.
Each and every one of us has the power to heal or to hurt,
to be the hero or the destroyer ~
with every moment, with every breath of every day. "

Wine and roses...patience and life

Interesting conversation on the way to work, "...your life is wine and roses Zane....what do you have to have patience about...." A serious query. Internally, my head shaking, wondering if it is really possible for someone to pretend so much--to be so self-consumed that the events around them are not apparent.

It's funny that Stephen Covey's subway story struck me lastnight, only to have this morning be a reminder of the exact behavior he was speaking to. It took the greatest amount of patience to not pile on the questions, to dig, to make evident specific fallacies. Foremost in my mind was, "To what end?" and then secondarily, "How does one arrive here--at this level, and stay there? How do they allow themselves to not look beyond?"

. . .

Niles Canyon. And it is getting lighter later. I think I have spent 90% of my summer indoors, at work. Long days with little sunlight, recycled air and lots of Yuban. Looking forward to the long drive to AZ. Looking forward to Ireland, Scotland and where ever my days away lead me. Looking forward, outward, beyond this here and now.

What if it isn't the way you think it is?

Stephen Covey tells the story of something he experienced while riding the subway one morning in New York. People were sitting quietly---some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene.

Suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed. The father sat down next to Covey and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to Covey did nothing.

Covey was irritated. He couldn’t believe that the man could be so insensitive, letting his children run wild like that. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what Covey considered great patience and self-restraint, he turned to the man and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”

The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time. He said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”

Can you imagine how Covey felt at that moment? Suddenly he saw the whole scene differently. Irritation vanished; compassion welled up. “Your wife just died? Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” In an instant, everything had changed.



Where do your unstated presumptions lead you and what judgments do you pass. Think. Then think again. If your life depended on the accuracy of your assumptions…how long would you remain alive?

Control files and some such things

"must be nice..."
little things that grant peace...that bring that smile...where you find yourself looking out and up and there is nothing but the suns strength striking you at the core and the wind blowing by your ears and the sight of summer flowers that are more vibrant than you have ever remembered before...

long days....

couple more weeks...

off to driving Jefferson to college....