other voices

"Prometheus is action. Hamlet is hesitation. In Prometheus the obstacle is exterior; in Hamlet it is interior. In Prometheus the will is securely nailed down by nails of brass and cannot get loose; besides, it has by its side two watchers—Force and Power. In Hamlet the will is more tied down yet; it is bound by previous meditation—the endless chain of the undecided. Try to get out of yourself if you can! What a Gordian knot is our reverie. Slavery from within, that is slavery indeed. Scale this enclosure, “to dream!” escape, if you can, from this prison, “to love!” The only dungeon is that which walls conscience in. Prometheus, in order to be free, has but a bronze collar to break and a god to conquer; Hamlet must break and conquer himself. Prometheus can raise himself upright, if he only lifts a mountain; to raise himself up, Hamlet must lift his own thoughts. If Prometheus plucks the vulture from his breast, all is said; Hamlet must tear Hamlet from his breast. Prometheus and Hamlet are two naked livers; from one runs blood, from the other doubt."

"Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong."

"He broke fresh ground-because, and only because, he had the courage to go ahead without asking whether others were following or even understood. He had no need for the divided responsibility in which others seek to be safe from ridicule, because he had been granted a faith which required no confirmation-a contact with reality, light and intense like the touch of a loved hand: a union in self-surrender without self- destruction, where his heart was lucid and his mind was loving."

"He speaketh not; and yet there lies
A conversation in his eyes."

water memories

Riding over the San Mateo bridge....

26 years back I would be at sailing practice. Etchells in the spring and early summer on Manhasset Bay after a long (cold) winter of Penguin class racing. I remember the 45min bus ride home from Cathedral and thinking of the water, wishing for wind and hoping I wouldn't make the same mistakes.

Dropped home...blazer hung (demerits and lint involved), jumper jumped out of, peter pan collar tossed, penny loafers replaced with docksiders. And off to the water. 15 minute drive/lecture all about focus, strength, discipline..."learn to see through the sun", "there is no separation", "point", "quick--quick--quick", "did you work on your hand exercises?" (I would never get stronger or much faster. This would continue to haunt me in summer camp, 50' Catalina Morgan,...,ask me to swim from Tortola to Jost Van Dyke--no problem. Be on winch? err....) If practice went well and sun/conditions permitted, 505s. I would never master the skills required. Something didn't click--the sync-up...or just being too light, too weak, too something on the side of absence rather than presence. But I loved it. Intensely serious kid who relished/fought/tried conquering (?) the facts of reality. It just was. And somehow through all of the recognition of how poorly I executed there was a path somewhere into the future that was bright and filled with...some day. Some day would be many days of learning--persistence--silent emotionless frustration (yes, that's valid. perfect wasp behavior)...eventually, some day resolved itself and the fun of it all won out.

Fun...a common language.

Fun enough that I would take my mother sailing in Captiva, Hilton Head, etc. on winter breaks. She would comment, "This suits you." I don't know exactly what it is she meant, only I can't say I was puzzled either. "You could sail about the world, yes?" And for a moment...however brief, I remember my thinking, "But you do understand." (Mother=brilliant, beautiful, charming, extreme presence, extrovert. Child=serious, pensive, polite introvert.) Perhaps ocean everywhere changes the dynamics, essentializes the expectation and requirements, allows each to be as they are? Regardless, we had fun. Afterward, she made lots of new friends as usual. I watched quietly at attention...as usual.

Later heaps of fun and laughter with friends in Nantucket, Hamptons, Pelham, Newport, Provincetown. Lazy or torrid or perfect...fun.

Ten thousand waterless days later, after moving west, my 36th birthday. A serenely solitary sail on which I would experience sea sickness for the first time. It took me 11 months to admit it. I would never have admitted it but was concerned that it would be the same birthday present. Finally fessed up that I should never like to go through the same 7hrs again. Steve just stared at me...dumbfounded. And then we laughed and laughed until we cried because it was so ridiculous and silly. Every now again he'll look at me, shake his head, "You're ridiculous. I can't believe you suffered through 7hrs of hell. I thought you were finally relaxing."

smiley convos

"What's goin' on wit that?"
"What?"
"The Eddie Munster thingy."
Hard laughter of the very good spirited kind.
"I miss NY."
"No one gives you a hard time out there?"
"Not like this."
"Fix it already."
"I'll make a fashion call to the neuro."
More laughter.
"Look, they fixed the internal wiring but screwed with the esthetically pleasing part. Wrong."

and on and on it went.

heaps of laughter.
~~~~~

Eddie Munster and hairlines...hmm...laughing. I was going to post a side-by-side photo but he's cuter than me...so. giggling.

Ridiculous

the word rises and falls

rises and falls

again and again.

"ridiculous", "ridiculous", "ridiculous"...

and a haunting, a voice within
somewhere far deeper than "ridiculous".
echoing,

"live this life...", "live this life...", "live this life..."

because "ridiculous" doesn't matter.

it will never matter.

the bus

guy rolls-up on his skateboard. arms carved with words. african american. air force ones on his feet. bright green nike stripe. his knees a little shakey. but his face...the look on his face says, "nothing better than sunshine and this ride."

a guy in his early 30s is swinging about a long rope. curious stuff. martial arts thingy? new type of stretching...what is it? i don't need to know--but i want to know. he rides the same bus and happens to stand next to me as it pulls up.

"what is that?"
"fire dart."
"what is that?"
eyes bright, "have you ever seen performance art with fire?"
"yes.... is that what you do for a living?"
"no," he smiles. and then says, "I'm an actuary--I wish I could do this for a living."
i laugh light laughter. beaming, "that's awesome...that is awesome."
{the lives of data jockeys, ;-)}

everyday, the good citizens from divergent paths, bail someone out. bus driver barks, "$3.50". barks, "not my problem your translink card doesn't work". barks. and everyday we make sure our fellow rider gets to their destinatiion. we don't know one another...but we're not leaving anyone behind.

lunch reads

Integrity:
"In failures of integrity, then, what passes for weakness of will is, many times, actually weakness of vision. The person's "will" is weak because he does not fully appreciate the stakes. The person who lacks integrity often suffers from a self-imposed nearsightedness as he puts on blinders that shut out the larger context that would make clear to him why a certain course is wrong--how it would be bad for him. Integrity requires that a person focus on the big picture, actively calling to mind the full context and identifying the relationship between his immediate alternatives and his broader values as clearly and completely as he can. Integrity demands that a person invoke his principles and remind himself that they are his means of living; it is only by adherence to rational principles that a person can achieve happiness. Understanding the mechanism of integrity as largely a matter of vision reflects the view that values (and correlative virtues) reflect the factual relationships in which particular things stand to a person's life. Consequently, the more clearly a person grasps these relationships, the easier it will be to as a morality of rational self-interest requires. Indeed, for a person committed to his rational self-interest, seeing the facts is all the motivation he needs."

support

From: Charters Harrison
To: joyisonesfuel
Sent: Saturday, May 10, 2008 10:13:39 AM
Subject: Re: hey

Hi there! Just had to comment on the most recent blog! Yes, my response would have been along the lines of option c), something more akin to "Holy lord almighty. I'm screwed." Hey, I'd be happy to drive the beer cart, I mean, the water and nutritional supplement cart, and follow you guys!!

....

l,
c

Five

baseline run this morning to figure out where i am...no goal...just go. 5 miles in just over an hour. slow, but a start.

the magic has begun.

or maybe all those redbulls have really given me some wings.

26.2

From: "steve.ansell@comcast.net"
To: joyisonesfuel@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, May 9, 2008 9:18:32 AM
Subject: Disneython

We're in baby! Start getting ready for the happiest 26.2 miles on earth! By the way, if you decide you want to do the Disneyland 1/2 Marathon (LA), it is at the end of August. It is a week after my 100-miler so it would be a good "recovery run" for me :-)

Here's a good textual description of the Disney World course on someone's blog:

http://www.arunnersblog.com/the-2008-walt-disney-world-marathon/

-S


From: "steve.ansell@comcast.net"
To: joyisonesfuel@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, May 9, 2008 3:59:39 PM
Subject: Your marathon plan

If you want a peek at what I am thinking about in terms of a training plan for you, this is the site:

http://www.halhigdon.com/marathon/Mar00novice.htm

It's an 18-week program and I am thinking of a sort of modified version of it. To the letter, this plan would have you starting in September. However, you also should be able to run 5-6 miles easily before starting this and I have no doubt that you will get there LONG before September. Also, I want to integrate in the Disneyland 1/2 marathon in August if you think you want to do that.

The first step is to get you back into running routine. The plan is to target 4-days a week to start with probably only running on 3 of them at the very beginning (i.e. NOW). This would be Tue,Thu,Sat,Sun with the flexibility to switch Tue or Thu to Wed if needed. I'd like to keep Mon and Fri as rest days since that will be necessary later. I think you can get up to 5-6 mile runs in a month or so given your past fitness. After that we can use the first part of the marathon plan for the 1/2. Then take a short break and follow the rest of the plan through the end of the year allowing some "slop" to handle contingencies.


OK, so now the big question, what's your reaction?

a)  "Sounds great!"
b) "Uh...err..whatever."
c)  "Oh, good lord, I've unleashed a monster!"
d) Some combination of the above


:-) :-) XX OO XX (-: (-:

-S

zane says, option e) brilliant. option c) sounds like Charters! And looking at the time stamp differences between mails, I am really hoping you aren't obsessing over this...giggling.

not belonging

"It's a luxury to look like that."
"Sir?"
"It's a luxury."
"Pardon--"
"To look like you do. Your smile. It's a luxury."

I'm certain my face changed from curiousity to a sad puzzlement.

Atlanta could not be home.

Tony Bennett - Smile

yes....

yesterday

i stopped and smelled the roses....

do it.

lean in.

close your eyes.

inhale....

when you open your eyes

you might just see

it raining petals.

all the days to come

you looked at me.

my green-eyed boy.

with that pensive closed mouth bright eyed smile.

"zane, we're going to be really cute old people."

a statement.

a precious one.