We have an ongoing debate in our house around the definition of
"independence", "respect" and the usual terms that parents
and children disagree on.
I can't remember
what I was like at 18. I remained at college for the summer taking three
classes. One in maths, history, a survey lit class where we read Gulliver's
Travels in three days...I think I am the only one who actually read the book
and supporting critiques and the other class was history. The summer itself was
uneventful beyond work and school. I lived cheaply...roamed through the few
used bookstores in Lexington and often would read into the deep hours of the
night. Few friends if any...almost certain there was just one person I hung out
with.
What independence
meant to me, although still dependent on my parents for rent...working and
going to school--being productive. It meant eliminate my 'wants' from their
life and not to impact them. That is what it meant. I continued to impact them
with the need for money...but I don't think I made demands for anything beyond
what they offered to provide. I think this is the turning point to
adulthood--when you realize you need to find a way to stand on your own feet.
And I think this
is the debate we have within our house. That "independence" today is,
"my parents should totally support me because I am school, plus I should
get clothing, a car, spending money to hang out with friends and have a
girlfriend." This is all predicated on a certain somebody, "being in
school and doing what I am supposed to do". Very different reference
points – goals -- reasoning.
Steve reminded me
that he did landscaping at Davis his first summer--it's incredibly hot in the
valley--a physically demanding job. He also did janitorial work and when he had
the opportunity helped some field researchers on the Delta when the opportunity
was available. Much more so than my office filing job--this showed initiative
and drive to be independent...to be able to stand alone no matter what it took
to do so.
And although I am
genuinely happy to see the boys wander around our house...my fears and worries
plague my mind. What if he doesn't reach the turning point? What if he chooses
to continue to not "hear" people? When will he realize his
"niceness" doesn't fool everybody? When will the chip on the shoulder
begin to be a weight that he recognizes as a main roadblock to getting along in
the world? When will he realize security and happiness are from within and not
external...? This is the process of being a parent...of waiting...and hoping.
That this child you have been so invested in begins to see the greatness in
their being.
I look forward to
a few years from now...when the embrace of just being who you are becomes
fluid.