Charters was kind enough to make me copies of some CDs she had that contained songs from college. One CD in particular is on repeat in my head. One song in particular resonates…a Kate Bush song that when parsed, rings loudly:
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things we should've said,
That were never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should've given,
But I didn't.
The words that linger in my head bring tears to my eyes. A sort of allowance in beginning to feel the depth of my sadness…a doorway walked through that for a few a minutes doesn’t bring torrent of tears, but a pensive stream.
In a letter my mother had written, years prior and left for me, she stated that things would be difficult in the next few months, but will return to normal in a year.
...the lives we carry with us along our individual journeys...the impacts they have had...and my hope is that I will honor her along the way.