תשובה

I was supposed to say, "You don't have to be strong with me."

Why didn't I own that?

I continue to walk her writing. The returning to the same place each new day. As if every morning someone said, "Return to the beginning. Live all the horrors again." It's not the idea of teshuva (תשובה, returning), but something far different.

In our conversations she would say, "I need to learn to forgive and I just can't."

What does it mean to hold as a primary, "I just can't"?

I was supposed to know better, do better, be better . . . "I expect you to know better..." And when it counted most, that "I expect you to know better..." was a lesson I had not learnt. To know the unstated need and to do.

I told myself, "I can't."

...stubborn rationalizations. so absolutely right...and so so ridiculously stupid.

I was supposed to say, "I'm strong enough for both of us. Me, you and your favorite kitty are taking a one way road trip to California."

That's all she wanted.

. . . I am left with the concept of teshuva. And it's the mirror that I am seeking forgiveness from.