...silly games in daylight...and some peace late evenings.
i have traveled home with someone who has allowed me a quiet peace.
my murmurings now and again
my endless questions of why, what value, how is this a win
she listens...quietly
hands me tissues
jokes, "look up zane, look up"
and we laugh...there is always laughter.
...
and steve in his assessment of all things not so nice
is generally right
has been for years
and I still struggle to find resolve with the facts
...
we walked to the park
the swings...
and the height, the throwing your head back
to see the world upside down, the stars in the sky
the swings...
and steve
as he flew off
paused in mid air for a second, scared for a second
landing surprised...laughing.
that laughter, that joy, that "doing it again"
this...is all that matters
....
I look back two years and six days ago
I am reminded of a training room at SF Center
And a conference call
and the tears that would not stop running down my face
I think through all of this
and the actions i would take within less than a month
actions on principle
because to stay was to sanction an injustice
and i wonder
was i really so wrong
was it a masquerade
are you not what i thought you were...ever?
i wonder.
the image that stays, beyond all the mayhem
beyond all the pain
beyond that which this has all become
this image of how i will always carry you with me...
this memory...let me take you back
i would leave shortly after (that injustice)
and upon my departure...the get together on the patio
you addressed the group
the group quiet...you standing...white shirt, navy slacks, hair pulled back
your husband standing an arms length away
you spoke of me...of my work
and you raised your hand to your heart
looked down holding back tears
and said,
"i don't know if you know this, but zane has a phrase she lives by"
your voice trembling, a pause, "...joy is one's fuel...."
you looked at the team...all of us...
then continued to explain what is meant by "...joy is one's fuel"
the words said simply...eloquently in a manner that all understood
we listened
we were still
some in tears
there was not a person who did not resonate
with the benevolence you spoke of
who did not see in these words the very essence
of having met others who have been the joy...
who have been the fuel in their lives.
...
funny how things change
...
i want you to know
that beyond everything in this here and now
beyond every action that has made little sense to me
this is the image, the memory, the person i carry with me:
the one who put their hand to their heart
the one who spoke quietly...about "joy is one's fuel."