I remember the eyes, and look of, "It is a holiday Zane." And it was lost on me at the time.
I have thought back over the last week. Averaging three hours sleep a night...the deterioration in thinking, the voids in time filled with 'nothing'. And the reality is I have seen Jefferson for 20 minutes, Frederick for 40 minutes, a conscious husband for an hour and have generally not been "here" and even when I am "here" I am not fully present. It's something I have to learn...the ability to step back and not be so self-consumed.
The holidays....I am not ready. I am not focused on the spirit of things. I came home one evening and the tree was done. Steve did it on his own and I recoiled. I almost could not deal with it out of a sense of guilt. It looked beautiful and all I felt was absence--and that this too is terribly unfair.
Err...
You have this life. One time. In each moment it is passing. How do you fill it? How do you ensure when you look back that you made the best effort in living? How do you let go of the failures such that they do not take your attention away from the opportunities? How do you...just breathe comfortably. "It is a holiday....", how do you learn to listen in every moment without the presumption of your own direction?
What is it to live a life slightly in fast forward...looking in the future and missing the present?